Hello,
I would really appreciate some help framing a boundary with my boyfriend.
The story: Yesterday he felt tired and like he was fighting off a cold virus or something, so he left work early. From the time I got out of work through the evening I doted on him (stopped on the way home and picked up his favorite ice cream per his request, made him tea, brought him blankets and tucked him into the couch, brought him various food items throughout the evening and cleared them, hung out with him and watched movies he wanted. He got to be the disgruntled sickie and loved the care and attention. He craves attention like this and picks fights if he does not get it).
I let him know early on I needed to get to bed early as I was exhausted (he has untreated snoring and knows it has been a bad couple of nights for me). At 9:30 I started thinking about bed, but he wanted me to cut his hair. I chose to stay up and do that for him, I cut his hair and cleaned up after it.
Finally I was going off to bed (after 10 at this point). He said he wasn't coming with me, as he wasn't tired enough for bed yet. I brushed my teeth and then went to sit next to him to say goodnight and talk for a minute before heading off to bed.
He wouldn't look up from the game he was playing on his phone to engage with me. I asked him what was going on? since he suddenly refused to even look at me or talk to me. He threw down his phone and with a mean look on his face said "Okay Livvie, what do you want to talk about?? and just stared at me. I was taken aback and replied, 'What the heck? I'm trying to talk to you for a minute before I go to bed and you won't even look up from your phone, what's going on...?"
He exploded....said "I don't want to talk right now, I need my space...I'm thinking about something and it does not have to do with you." I told him it's fine to need space, but please let me know that with words rather than out of the blue ignoring me. Huge awfulness ensured, blah blah if he needs space I should just give it. Wouldn't address that I only asked he communicate with me rather than suddenly ignore me.
This is not an isolated event. He is often Jekyll and Hyde, with no thought to how it makes me feel. He sometimes treats me more thoughtlessly than he would a friend.
I want to make sure I do my part and give out clear boundaries about what I feel is the way I need to be treated, and see what he does with it. I know my boundary is that is hurtful to have my partner out of the blue ignore me, especially after enjoying receiving care and attention from me, without fair warning about this sudden need, and that I don't want to be treated this way. I know also know that without a consequence, a boundary is often useless. Please help with an appropriate finishing touch to my boundary!
Thanks if you have read this long post!!!
I would really appreciate some help framing a boundary with my boyfriend.
The story: Yesterday he felt tired and like he was fighting off a cold virus or something, so he left work early. From the time I got out of work through the evening I doted on him (stopped on the way home and picked up his favorite ice cream per his request, made him tea, brought him blankets and tucked him into the couch, brought him various food items throughout the evening and cleared them, hung out with him and watched movies he wanted. He got to be the disgruntled sickie and loved the care and attention. He craves attention like this and picks fights if he does not get it).
I let him know early on I needed to get to bed early as I was exhausted (he has untreated snoring and knows it has been a bad couple of nights for me). At 9:30 I started thinking about bed, but he wanted me to cut his hair. I chose to stay up and do that for him, I cut his hair and cleaned up after it.
Finally I was going off to bed (after 10 at this point). He said he wasn't coming with me, as he wasn't tired enough for bed yet. I brushed my teeth and then went to sit next to him to say goodnight and talk for a minute before heading off to bed.
He wouldn't look up from the game he was playing on his phone to engage with me. I asked him what was going on? since he suddenly refused to even look at me or talk to me. He threw down his phone and with a mean look on his face said "Okay Livvie, what do you want to talk about?? and just stared at me. I was taken aback and replied, 'What the heck? I'm trying to talk to you for a minute before I go to bed and you won't even look up from your phone, what's going on...?"
He exploded....said "I don't want to talk right now, I need my space...I'm thinking about something and it does not have to do with you." I told him it's fine to need space, but please let me know that with words rather than out of the blue ignoring me. Huge awfulness ensured, blah blah if he needs space I should just give it. Wouldn't address that I only asked he communicate with me rather than suddenly ignore me.
This is not an isolated event. He is often Jekyll and Hyde, with no thought to how it makes me feel. He sometimes treats me more thoughtlessly than he would a friend.
I want to make sure I do my part and give out clear boundaries about what I feel is the way I need to be treated, and see what he does with it. I know my boundary is that is hurtful to have my partner out of the blue ignore me, especially after enjoying receiving care and attention from me, without fair warning about this sudden need, and that I don't want to be treated this way. I know also know that without a consequence, a boundary is often useless. Please help with an appropriate finishing touch to my boundary!
Thanks if you have read this long post!!!
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