Hi, I am really really hoping someone can help me make some sense of my misery....he is the basic outline
my husband and I have been married since 2000
I started telling im in 2008 he was gonna lose his family if he didn't stop drinking and didn't start paying attention to me and meeting my emotional needs
he was a severe alcoholic and traveled for his job after ten years of what I felt was physical and emotional abuse from the alcohol, I ended up having an affair with a co worker it was basically an emotional affair and we never saw each other out of work 1 time..we never had sex but did kiss and make out and stuff, it was like a drug almost for me back then to do and say what I had to in order to get the love and attention I was so desperate for..
in December 2010 my husband found out about it all and called me at work and told me to come home so we could talk
I admitted it all told him I had given up and could not compete with his can of beer anymore
he choose right then and there to never drink again
and I choose to never return to that job, never speak to anybody from there ever again
we went to counseling and agreed that we really wanted to stay together and loved each other, through counseling and doctors we discovered that he was severe acute anxiety and was self medicating with the beer
our counselor asked both of us what our deal breaker was (what would cause us to be done and file divorce) his answer was any form of cheating what so ever emotional of physical
and mine was drinking again period
well after a year he started drinking again but only when he is traveling for his job and still almost 4 years later does not do it at home ever
I almost 4 years later have still never looked back, never taled to any of those people involved again, never cheated again, never nothing I promised I wouldn't do
now here is the problem:
basically his lack of love, physical, emotional etc was what pushed me away to begin with and when we decided to stay together it had all these rules,
there was no saying I love you till he was ready someday, I can never call him honey again period no matter what, and he couldn't do anything physical with me because he couldn't stop thinking that would be comparing him to the other guy\
I agreed to all of this and figured maybe I deserve the punishment for what I did, the affair was about 6 months
we had fights about the sexual stuff and he finally told me that just kissing someone to him is the same thing and having intercourse so the fact that we did not do much sexually did not matter to him at all cause as far as he was concerned we did "its all the same in his book"
I accepted that and still continued to do everything I promised I would
one huge problem I always had was I felt like he would only "want me" or be sexual with me if he intoxicated so I have always had low self esteem and felt like I was not good enough for him
now fast forward to 3 and 1/2 years later we still have not made love and have made NOOOOOOOO progress sexually at all we are basically roomates
EVERYTIME I try to talk to him about it he says it takes time...some people take 5 years to get over an affair etc....he says im trying, im scared youll hurt me again, im afaird ill be compared (which again im like OMG I have nothing to compare you to) then ultimately he ends up getting mad and says if im giving him an ultimatum to have sex with me of were done then I wont like his answer
I have explaned over and over and over and over again that it isn't the actual intercourse its the fact that we have made no sexual progress at all, hell tell me to get out a toy and use it
hell say well "it just doesn't work anymore im so hurt from what you did"
hell say I need a sex therapist I guess but never goes
basically never makes any effort to fix this at all
I feel like this is basically spouseal abuse and neglect
and if I say that...... he says im looking for a reason to cheat again
and then says "well if I was paralyzed and could not ever have sex again would you divorce me?"
I just don't know what to do cause now our lives are fantastic except for this area, we are like best friends, communicate better then ever about all other aspects of life, co parent very well , etc
but I don't know what to do .....cause the emotional, sexual side is making me so so so so miserable and sad I hate life...
I am very touchy feely and needy and sexual and do not want to spend my life without that stuff,
I feel I have paid for my mistakes long enough
I feel like I am being punished
I am starting to resent him for neglecting me
starting to feel like if he is not going to satisfy me sexually then I should be allowed to get it elsewere
mind you I have never for one day pusished him in any way shape or form for all of his 10 years of alcohol abuse haven't taken anything away from him, or nothing
I am so frustrated I just don't know what to do anymore so I leave or should I keep waiting????????????
and using a vibrator and making love to myself forever is not an option for me that does not fill the love and closeness feeling you get from making love
my husband and I have been married since 2000
I started telling im in 2008 he was gonna lose his family if he didn't stop drinking and didn't start paying attention to me and meeting my emotional needs
he was a severe alcoholic and traveled for his job after ten years of what I felt was physical and emotional abuse from the alcohol, I ended up having an affair with a co worker it was basically an emotional affair and we never saw each other out of work 1 time..we never had sex but did kiss and make out and stuff, it was like a drug almost for me back then to do and say what I had to in order to get the love and attention I was so desperate for..
in December 2010 my husband found out about it all and called me at work and told me to come home so we could talk
I admitted it all told him I had given up and could not compete with his can of beer anymore
he choose right then and there to never drink again
and I choose to never return to that job, never speak to anybody from there ever again
we went to counseling and agreed that we really wanted to stay together and loved each other, through counseling and doctors we discovered that he was severe acute anxiety and was self medicating with the beer
our counselor asked both of us what our deal breaker was (what would cause us to be done and file divorce) his answer was any form of cheating what so ever emotional of physical
and mine was drinking again period
well after a year he started drinking again but only when he is traveling for his job and still almost 4 years later does not do it at home ever
I almost 4 years later have still never looked back, never taled to any of those people involved again, never cheated again, never nothing I promised I wouldn't do
now here is the problem:
basically his lack of love, physical, emotional etc was what pushed me away to begin with and when we decided to stay together it had all these rules,
there was no saying I love you till he was ready someday, I can never call him honey again period no matter what, and he couldn't do anything physical with me because he couldn't stop thinking that would be comparing him to the other guy\
I agreed to all of this and figured maybe I deserve the punishment for what I did, the affair was about 6 months
we had fights about the sexual stuff and he finally told me that just kissing someone to him is the same thing and having intercourse so the fact that we did not do much sexually did not matter to him at all cause as far as he was concerned we did "its all the same in his book"
I accepted that and still continued to do everything I promised I would
one huge problem I always had was I felt like he would only "want me" or be sexual with me if he intoxicated so I have always had low self esteem and felt like I was not good enough for him
now fast forward to 3 and 1/2 years later we still have not made love and have made NOOOOOOOO progress sexually at all we are basically roomates
EVERYTIME I try to talk to him about it he says it takes time...some people take 5 years to get over an affair etc....he says im trying, im scared youll hurt me again, im afaird ill be compared (which again im like OMG I have nothing to compare you to) then ultimately he ends up getting mad and says if im giving him an ultimatum to have sex with me of were done then I wont like his answer
I have explaned over and over and over and over again that it isn't the actual intercourse its the fact that we have made no sexual progress at all, hell tell me to get out a toy and use it
hell say well "it just doesn't work anymore im so hurt from what you did"
hell say I need a sex therapist I guess but never goes
basically never makes any effort to fix this at all
I feel like this is basically spouseal abuse and neglect
and if I say that...... he says im looking for a reason to cheat again
and then says "well if I was paralyzed and could not ever have sex again would you divorce me?"
I just don't know what to do cause now our lives are fantastic except for this area, we are like best friends, communicate better then ever about all other aspects of life, co parent very well , etc
but I don't know what to do .....cause the emotional, sexual side is making me so so so so miserable and sad I hate life...
I am very touchy feely and needy and sexual and do not want to spend my life without that stuff,
I feel I have paid for my mistakes long enough
I feel like I am being punished
I am starting to resent him for neglecting me
starting to feel like if he is not going to satisfy me sexually then I should be allowed to get it elsewere
mind you I have never for one day pusished him in any way shape or form for all of his 10 years of alcohol abuse haven't taken anything away from him, or nothing
I am so frustrated I just don't know what to do anymore so I leave or should I keep waiting????????????
and using a vibrator and making love to myself forever is not an option for me that does not fill the love and closeness feeling you get from making love
Put the internet to work for you.
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