My first post even though I've been a lurker for several months. I must say I have been deeply impressed by the quality of advice and support from everyone on this site. Figured it was about time to introduce myself and tell my story..
Married for 4 years technically from wedding to final d day (2009-2013), been divorced for 1.5 yr now. I filed, primarily due to his severe depression, pill popping (due to chronic pain from hip displaysia), drinking and unemployment for over a year by the time I pulled the plug. Our son was 11 months old, I was working full time and barely holding it together when I decided I HAD to lose the dead weight before my son and I went down with the sinking ship.
To say it has been tough would be a masterpiece of understatement. As soon as I filed, X fled to his home state to live with mom (still does) and I was left to raise our son alone. Single Mom with 100% custody was obviously not something I expected, but I am truly thankful it has turned out this way rather than dealing with him here, even though I still struggle with guilt of my son not having his father around. His choice ultimately, I know..
The hardest part for me is that my X and I were very much in love and he is now doing wonderfully as far as I can tell. He visits about twice per year so far and has the twinkle in his eye that I remember. It is very difficult to see it, even if he is not doing as well as he seems. I would not say I have lingering attraction as much as I just feel like he is a sense of "home" to me if that makes any sense. I have been dating someone wonderful now for about 9 months and some days I just sort of feel lukewarm about everything. I am really proud of myself for not making classic rebound mistakes or rushing into anything after my divorce, but it seems like I am only NOW starting to struggle with these feelings about my X, which I can't even seem to define. It's really tripping me up and I just don't know what to make of them.
Anyway, that's where I am now. Still one day at a time. Some days I am great and have so much clarity, and other days are like today :(
Married for 4 years technically from wedding to final d day (2009-2013), been divorced for 1.5 yr now. I filed, primarily due to his severe depression, pill popping (due to chronic pain from hip displaysia), drinking and unemployment for over a year by the time I pulled the plug. Our son was 11 months old, I was working full time and barely holding it together when I decided I HAD to lose the dead weight before my son and I went down with the sinking ship.
To say it has been tough would be a masterpiece of understatement. As soon as I filed, X fled to his home state to live with mom (still does) and I was left to raise our son alone. Single Mom with 100% custody was obviously not something I expected, but I am truly thankful it has turned out this way rather than dealing with him here, even though I still struggle with guilt of my son not having his father around. His choice ultimately, I know..
The hardest part for me is that my X and I were very much in love and he is now doing wonderfully as far as I can tell. He visits about twice per year so far and has the twinkle in his eye that I remember. It is very difficult to see it, even if he is not doing as well as he seems. I would not say I have lingering attraction as much as I just feel like he is a sense of "home" to me if that makes any sense. I have been dating someone wonderful now for about 9 months and some days I just sort of feel lukewarm about everything. I am really proud of myself for not making classic rebound mistakes or rushing into anything after my divorce, but it seems like I am only NOW starting to struggle with these feelings about my X, which I can't even seem to define. It's really tripping me up and I just don't know what to make of them.
Anyway, that's where I am now. Still one day at a time. Some days I am great and have so much clarity, and other days are like today :(
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