I am starting this thread to talk about my health - physical and mental - and how it affects my life and therefore my marraige.
I am a few months shy of 30, which I posted before for some reason is weighing heavily on me. I've been married 5 years and with my H a total of around 9 years. We have two young kids, ages 5 and 4. We both work FT in moderate to high stress jobs. We are middle class.
I've battled anxiety my entire life. Mental illness runs long and deep in my family (if that makes a difference). I tried to deal with my anxiety and depression naturally for years (combination of yoga/meditation, exercise, diet and rugsweeping) and about 3 years ago I had a mental breakdown and couldn't do it anymore. I had a few panic attacks that landed me in the ER and frequent thoughts of suicide. It was when we were "newlyweds" with two very young children and honestly if it were not for my children and the obligation I felt to them, I probably would have attempted to act on the suicidal thoughts. The anxiety and depression has been a lifelong condition but I do think having my kids unexpectedly and in such short succession (11 months apart) triggered full blown PPD in me. I found a doctor and broke down to her in my first visit, and was put on SSRI's. I spent the first year of treatment experimenting with different meds (some of them are just plain evil with the sid e effects) and dosage until I got to the one I take now. I take a max dosage of my particular med and have been on that med for 2 years. I feel better, but still have break through episodes where I have to rely on additional meds such as xanax to get through (panic attacks). I have come a long way and don't feel ready to taper my meds anytime soon.
However, there are side effects. Sexual side effects are the biggest. My sex drive is in the tank and if not approached, I would probably only desire sex once every 4-6 weeks. It also affects my sensitivity and ability to O...I feel like this is what the female version of ED might feel like. I never had great luck with O's in my lifetime anyway but the meds have definitely taken their toll. I also have less emotion in general from the meds. I would say that's a GOOD thing considering where I've come from, but it can make me appear disinterested and aloof or at worst, disapproving and judgmental. Its hard to describe this to outsiders but I will have to force myself to laugh at times when appropriate, remind myself to engage others with smiles and nods when they are talking to me, etc. It also means on the positive that I am not a crying basketcase like I used to be. I can feel my brain working now and most of the time I have the clarity now to be able to look and reason and act with objective thought. My old brain raced and churned and obsessed. It's hard to describe this.
My husband is glad to see me on the meds I think...he went through that super scary time with me when I was in the ER in full mental break down and it visibly scared him to see me so unstable. I know he cares about me and wants what's best for me, but feels powerless when he cannot do anything to help. The further we get from that time period and the longer I've been on the meds, the more it feels like he forgets just how bad things were back then. You can imagine how the side effects would impact him. I know it takes its toll on him. I know he'd like to see me making an effort to come off the meds and doesn't understand why I think I still need them.
Another thing worth noting about me: I am absolutely terrified of doctors, medical tests, hospitals, etc. I would truly call it the level of a phobia. I have been like this as long as I can remember and I know it's ridiculous and I know I need to get over it. The meds do help in this regard a bit. But I felt it's important to know about me because I am more hesitant than most people to seek treatment for my problems. In my pre-medication days I would run out of waiting rooms once I checked into an appt because I was so terrified. My husband knows this about me, but thinks it is ridiculous and his opinion is "get over it". I tried having him accompany me to appts in the past for support but once he saw me actively freaking out, he would get angry with me and say things like "what is wrong with you, just stop being scared". I felt judged and embarassed so I decided I would leave him out of it because clearly he doesn't understand. He truly is a good guy but when it come s to my mental illness and it's various facets, he just doesn't get it.
When I found out I was pregnant both the first and second time (unplanned - which is a story on its own) my overwhelming and all encompassing thought was pure terror for all of the medical treatment I would then need to undergo. It was incredibly difficult but I forced myself through it all for my two babies. The knowledge that my body was the sole vessel for these two innocent souls is what propelled me forward in those days through my terror. I couldn't forgive myself if I was the reason that they were unhealthy if I made a decision to forgo medical care. As soon as the babies came out it was like I was back to square one. And when under my worst anxiety and depression...There's a lot of thinking that I don't WANT to seek treatment because I don't deserve to feel better, I want to die, etc. I don't feel like that right now but just as an example of how difficult it is for me to seek treatment.
Because I take meds regularly now, I am forced to see the doc every 6 months for routine maintenance check ups. She won't refill my meds if I don't go and keep up with my bloodwork and stuff, which is good because it's slowly helping me to get over this phobia through continued exposure. And if she didn't force me to do it, I wouldn't see her.
So I have other health problems in addition to the mental health issues. At one time I thought my anxiety and depression was the root cause of every symptom I had, even the physical ones. Now that I am getting the mental stuff under control and the physical is all still here and progressively getting worse, I don't think that anymore.
My other health symptoms are vague but are messing up my life to the point that I am having difficulty at work and collapse into a heap most days at home. My symptoms are: extreme fatigue; bone and joint pain (severe); flu-like symptoms of feverish/chills with body aches; ulcers in my mouth and nose; abdominal pain and cramping; diarrhea; nausea, sometimes to the point of vomiting; migraines. To date all of this was explained away by "you have stress and anxiety", "you have IBS", "you have GERD". I take probiotics and max strength antacid pills for the digestive issues. I watch what I eat for known triggers (caffiene, chocolate, greasy food, alcohol) but I am feeling worse and I can't take that this is REALLY all that I have wrong with me.
Because of my intense fear of doctors, I have brought these issues up with my primary care doc but downplayed them a lot because I was afraid to hear what she might say. Afraid to be diagnosed with something really terrible and afraid of the testing she might order. Stupid, I know. Fear makes you do (or not do) things.
These health problems also affect every part of my life including H. As you can imagine I am not a whole lot of fun to be around when I am sick...I spend a lot of time crashing on the couch after work and letting him pick up the slack with the chores. I can't play with my kids the way that I would like to. I use a lot of sick time from work when I have these episodes (particularly the bathroom issues). I don't talk about my illness with most people because it's personal and I find it embarassing. I think people (including H) may perceive me to be lazy or selfish. Particularly when it comes to the lack of equal partnership with housework. H has NEVER said anything to me about my illness except occasionally "oh, you're sick again?" but I can feel the resentment.
I am young. I feel old. I feel like I relate more to my 96 year old grandfather some days than I do to my peers.
I finally broke down, again, to my doctor at my latest appt a few days ago and really told her what is wrong. I laid it all out for her and told her exactly what my daily life is like and how much work I am missing, how my home life is, and so on. She was very concerned and took me seriously, and mentioned my symptoms were troubling for someone of my age from a quality of life standpoint. So she is ordering tests. She overwhelmed me a bit by throwing out a lot of potential diseases with these symptoms...some more benign than others. I heard words like Lupus, Rhuematoid arthritis, Leukemia, Crohns disease, Celiacs disease, to bacterial infection and so on. I got a lot of blood work to start and now I am in the waiting game to hear about my results to determine who I should see and what other tests should be done next. She did ask me to see a GI for a endoscopy and colonoscopy and I took a big gulp and said OK. Now I need to keep my nerve up to follow through. Which is the hardest part for me.
I know my H is frustrated with me at times...he has a lot to put up with. Lack of sexual desire from me, lack of motivation to follow through with doing things we plan if it turns out I feel sick, little help with housework on most days, knowing I feel like crap most of the time.
I am making this thread because I do not speak about these issues with anyone really, and I need an outside source to vent and to keep me accountable so I follow through with the doctors orders whatever they may be. Turning 30 scares me because logically I know I have a lot of life left to live and I don't want to spend it feeling like this. I know a lot of other people have it much worse than me, and I actually spend a lot of time following stories of people who are truly battling life threatening illness to remind myself that it could be worse, I should be thankful for what I do have, and to find inspiration from them for the fighting that they do to try to regain what they can and make the most of their life.
It feels very "first world" when I complain or share my story and that is part of why I hesitate to do it.
I am a few months shy of 30, which I posted before for some reason is weighing heavily on me. I've been married 5 years and with my H a total of around 9 years. We have two young kids, ages 5 and 4. We both work FT in moderate to high stress jobs. We are middle class.
I've battled anxiety my entire life. Mental illness runs long and deep in my family (if that makes a difference). I tried to deal with my anxiety and depression naturally for years (combination of yoga/meditation, exercise, diet and rugsweeping) and about 3 years ago I had a mental breakdown and couldn't do it anymore. I had a few panic attacks that landed me in the ER and frequent thoughts of suicide. It was when we were "newlyweds" with two very young children and honestly if it were not for my children and the obligation I felt to them, I probably would have attempted to act on the suicidal thoughts. The anxiety and depression has been a lifelong condition but I do think having my kids unexpectedly and in such short succession (11 months apart) triggered full blown PPD in me. I found a doctor and broke down to her in my first visit, and was put on SSRI's. I spent the first year of treatment experimenting with different meds (some of them are just plain evil with the sid e effects) and dosage until I got to the one I take now. I take a max dosage of my particular med and have been on that med for 2 years. I feel better, but still have break through episodes where I have to rely on additional meds such as xanax to get through (panic attacks). I have come a long way and don't feel ready to taper my meds anytime soon.
However, there are side effects. Sexual side effects are the biggest. My sex drive is in the tank and if not approached, I would probably only desire sex once every 4-6 weeks. It also affects my sensitivity and ability to O...I feel like this is what the female version of ED might feel like. I never had great luck with O's in my lifetime anyway but the meds have definitely taken their toll. I also have less emotion in general from the meds. I would say that's a GOOD thing considering where I've come from, but it can make me appear disinterested and aloof or at worst, disapproving and judgmental. Its hard to describe this to outsiders but I will have to force myself to laugh at times when appropriate, remind myself to engage others with smiles and nods when they are talking to me, etc. It also means on the positive that I am not a crying basketcase like I used to be. I can feel my brain working now and most of the time I have the clarity now to be able to look and reason and act with objective thought. My old brain raced and churned and obsessed. It's hard to describe this.
My husband is glad to see me on the meds I think...he went through that super scary time with me when I was in the ER in full mental break down and it visibly scared him to see me so unstable. I know he cares about me and wants what's best for me, but feels powerless when he cannot do anything to help. The further we get from that time period and the longer I've been on the meds, the more it feels like he forgets just how bad things were back then. You can imagine how the side effects would impact him. I know it takes its toll on him. I know he'd like to see me making an effort to come off the meds and doesn't understand why I think I still need them.
Another thing worth noting about me: I am absolutely terrified of doctors, medical tests, hospitals, etc. I would truly call it the level of a phobia. I have been like this as long as I can remember and I know it's ridiculous and I know I need to get over it. The meds do help in this regard a bit. But I felt it's important to know about me because I am more hesitant than most people to seek treatment for my problems. In my pre-medication days I would run out of waiting rooms once I checked into an appt because I was so terrified. My husband knows this about me, but thinks it is ridiculous and his opinion is "get over it". I tried having him accompany me to appts in the past for support but once he saw me actively freaking out, he would get angry with me and say things like "what is wrong with you, just stop being scared". I felt judged and embarassed so I decided I would leave him out of it because clearly he doesn't understand. He truly is a good guy but when it come s to my mental illness and it's various facets, he just doesn't get it.
When I found out I was pregnant both the first and second time (unplanned - which is a story on its own) my overwhelming and all encompassing thought was pure terror for all of the medical treatment I would then need to undergo. It was incredibly difficult but I forced myself through it all for my two babies. The knowledge that my body was the sole vessel for these two innocent souls is what propelled me forward in those days through my terror. I couldn't forgive myself if I was the reason that they were unhealthy if I made a decision to forgo medical care. As soon as the babies came out it was like I was back to square one. And when under my worst anxiety and depression...There's a lot of thinking that I don't WANT to seek treatment because I don't deserve to feel better, I want to die, etc. I don't feel like that right now but just as an example of how difficult it is for me to seek treatment.
Because I take meds regularly now, I am forced to see the doc every 6 months for routine maintenance check ups. She won't refill my meds if I don't go and keep up with my bloodwork and stuff, which is good because it's slowly helping me to get over this phobia through continued exposure. And if she didn't force me to do it, I wouldn't see her.
So I have other health problems in addition to the mental health issues. At one time I thought my anxiety and depression was the root cause of every symptom I had, even the physical ones. Now that I am getting the mental stuff under control and the physical is all still here and progressively getting worse, I don't think that anymore.
My other health symptoms are vague but are messing up my life to the point that I am having difficulty at work and collapse into a heap most days at home. My symptoms are: extreme fatigue; bone and joint pain (severe); flu-like symptoms of feverish/chills with body aches; ulcers in my mouth and nose; abdominal pain and cramping; diarrhea; nausea, sometimes to the point of vomiting; migraines. To date all of this was explained away by "you have stress and anxiety", "you have IBS", "you have GERD". I take probiotics and max strength antacid pills for the digestive issues. I watch what I eat for known triggers (caffiene, chocolate, greasy food, alcohol) but I am feeling worse and I can't take that this is REALLY all that I have wrong with me.
Because of my intense fear of doctors, I have brought these issues up with my primary care doc but downplayed them a lot because I was afraid to hear what she might say. Afraid to be diagnosed with something really terrible and afraid of the testing she might order. Stupid, I know. Fear makes you do (or not do) things.
These health problems also affect every part of my life including H. As you can imagine I am not a whole lot of fun to be around when I am sick...I spend a lot of time crashing on the couch after work and letting him pick up the slack with the chores. I can't play with my kids the way that I would like to. I use a lot of sick time from work when I have these episodes (particularly the bathroom issues). I don't talk about my illness with most people because it's personal and I find it embarassing. I think people (including H) may perceive me to be lazy or selfish. Particularly when it comes to the lack of equal partnership with housework. H has NEVER said anything to me about my illness except occasionally "oh, you're sick again?" but I can feel the resentment.
I am young. I feel old. I feel like I relate more to my 96 year old grandfather some days than I do to my peers.
I finally broke down, again, to my doctor at my latest appt a few days ago and really told her what is wrong. I laid it all out for her and told her exactly what my daily life is like and how much work I am missing, how my home life is, and so on. She was very concerned and took me seriously, and mentioned my symptoms were troubling for someone of my age from a quality of life standpoint. So she is ordering tests. She overwhelmed me a bit by throwing out a lot of potential diseases with these symptoms...some more benign than others. I heard words like Lupus, Rhuematoid arthritis, Leukemia, Crohns disease, Celiacs disease, to bacterial infection and so on. I got a lot of blood work to start and now I am in the waiting game to hear about my results to determine who I should see and what other tests should be done next. She did ask me to see a GI for a endoscopy and colonoscopy and I took a big gulp and said OK. Now I need to keep my nerve up to follow through. Which is the hardest part for me.
I know my H is frustrated with me at times...he has a lot to put up with. Lack of sexual desire from me, lack of motivation to follow through with doing things we plan if it turns out I feel sick, little help with housework on most days, knowing I feel like crap most of the time.
I am making this thread because I do not speak about these issues with anyone really, and I need an outside source to vent and to keep me accountable so I follow through with the doctors orders whatever they may be. Turning 30 scares me because logically I know I have a lot of life left to live and I don't want to spend it feeling like this. I know a lot of other people have it much worse than me, and I actually spend a lot of time following stories of people who are truly battling life threatening illness to remind myself that it could be worse, I should be thankful for what I do have, and to find inspiration from them for the fighting that they do to try to regain what they can and make the most of their life.
It feels very "first world" when I complain or share my story and that is part of why I hesitate to do it.
Put the internet to work for you.
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