This may be long, but I want to get good opinions and think that it is relavant. We have been married for 6 years, one child. I knew that things were not great, but did not know they were this bad. Here is the story.
The last weekend in January this year we went to a party and had what I thought was a great time. We had had drinks and were feeling good. Had a great conversation about our future. We got home and were getting ready for bed, I walked into the bathroom and she was on her phone. She looked as if she were sending a text. I asked her who she was texting,(innocently). She told me that it was none of my business. This set off an alarm. She proceeded to crawl in bed and refuse my advances. She was fairly drunk and I left the room to make sure that the house was locked down and the lights were off. My gut did not feel good about the text. I checked her phone and there was no text on it. I had heard the sound it makes when one is sent.
What I did find were emails to another man. And there were phone calls. I knew of this person, he lives out of state and they used to work together. He is married with a wife and children. She had mentioned him because his company had just opened a retail store in our town.
We have had our fights and share of problems, one thing that she says when she is mad and had a few drinks is that she does not love me and wants a divorce. When confronted the next day these are dismissed as just ways to hurt me. I have not put much stock into it until now.
I did not know what to do, I forwarded the emails to myself and got the call logs for our cell phones downloaded. I would look at them later. From the records it had been going on for 3 months, they had talked about once a month before that for about a year.
I was in shock, to say the least. I held it together that night and did not say anything. The next morning while cuddling in bed I asked her if she thought that we could get to a better place in our marriage. She said no in a dead pan sort of matter. I left it alone. Before lunch that day I saw a message form him asking if everything was alright and that the message had said "miss you". I called a friend and told him what was going on he said let him think about it. The next day I was with this friend and his advice was good. He said to work on the things that I thought were wrong in the marriage and pray about it. Before confronting her. So I did and kept a tab on the phone and email.
That week went great, she had a stressful week, and by that Friday had noticed the changes. She asked what brought on the changes, and I told her that we needed to make changes or our relationship would not make it. We had some wine, talked and then she asked me if I had a girlfriend. That night we made love. After making love she sat up at the end of the bed and asked again if I had a girlfriend, I said no. I then asked her if she had a boyfriend, she was silent. I asked if there was anyone else. Then she told me about him. That they used to work together and that he asked her advice on work topics. I asked her if she had slept with him, she said no but that she had thought about it. I told her that it had to end. If we were to make it she had to stop it. We did not talk about it the next day, I was waiting on her to bring it up, and she was probably waiting on me to do the same. I failed.
I talked to one of her coworkers and also her best friend, both friends of mine and are very confidential. Both of them are shocked to hear about this. If I did not trust them I would not have called and to date they have not said anything. There advice was to see what happens and work on us.
I monitored the calls and she made a few that week. On Thursday, I made appointments for counselling and confronted her. She did not want to do the counselling and was mad that it went that far. She said that we could do this ourselves. I told her again that if we were to be married that this had to stop.
I kept tabs of the phone and emails, and saw an email from him wanting to know what was wrong, I did not see a reply. We were getting along great. There were no phone records for about a month. And I did not keep checking the email. I found that all the checking up eats you up.
A month passes and she went to San Diego with our son to visit one of her friends. We had been getting along great. While there they have wine one night and I see a drunk dial to him at midnight. He did not answer because it was so late.
I will say that the call hurt. But I know that this is like her breaking up with him. While it is not alright, I expected to see another phone call. I had not seen anything up to this point to make me think that if had not ended. You can say that I was too lenient. This call hurt, because she was drunk dial and it was not to me.
I will stat this here, I love my wife and our family. But I have enough self respect that I will not play second fiddle to anyone. That is what this had made me feel like. I do not want to be a part time Dad. One of the reasons that I let this call go on is that from what I have researched, these things tend to play out after a couple of months.
Then 3 weeks ago, a friend of hers ask her to go to a concert at the last minute. So she asks if I would go have a drink with them before the show. (my parents are in town for a school thing with our son and love to watch him.) So I go we have a great time meet up with some other couples and have a drink. It is time for them to go to the show, they walk off and I go home. I offer to pick them up after the show. After an hour and a half she sends me a text asking me to come meet them. I was glad, because the crazy half of me thought he might be in town. He was not. A friend was working the door and let me in. She was surprised and excited to see me. We went for drinks afterward and had a great time. I felt silly and stupid for letting my insecurity get the best of me.
I had not checked her phone or the call records in a while. She changed the password because she said that she wanted to see when we could get an upgrade. I believed her, her phone had been acting up (also naive on my part). I have not changed it to one that I know yet. His contact information was deleted from her phone. I felt that there was no reason, things had been going good. We were talking, not fighting, getting along. The only time that we had talked about it was after we were intimate on night she asked if I had called Scott, my response was Scott who? She said you know who. I said no, why would I. She said because I am your wife. I told her that I had no reason to call him.
Then the other day just to reassure myself that everything was okay, i checked her phone. Here is what I see in her trash email.
Sent on : 04/10 10:17:58 PM EDT
Subject : Thinking of you
At a Susan something concert. Derek Trucks I think. She sounds like Nora Jones.
Damn you
and the reply
Date: April 11, 2014 at 7:44:29 AM EDT
Subject: RE: Thinking of you
It's funny. I had never even heard that Lady Antebellum song before and now
I feel like it chases me around! It shows up in the strangest places.
Be strong. ;)
I am in the process of getting the password changes so that I can see the phone log, scared to death what I may see. This one hurt because she had just sent me a text wanting me to come be with her and here she is sending him an email thinking about him.
What I am wanting advice on is what do you gleam from this email, are they still talking and she got careless about this one.
I know she still must have feelings for him.
Do I wait on the phone records and then confront her? If there are more calls?
She is going out for a girls night with one of her friends this Saturday, do i wait and see if she calls him when she is drunk and not with me? Using this as the proverbial third strike?
Like I said earlier, I will not be second choice, she is not my second choice.
Thanks for reading and I look forward to you thoughts.
The last weekend in January this year we went to a party and had what I thought was a great time. We had had drinks and were feeling good. Had a great conversation about our future. We got home and were getting ready for bed, I walked into the bathroom and she was on her phone. She looked as if she were sending a text. I asked her who she was texting,(innocently). She told me that it was none of my business. This set off an alarm. She proceeded to crawl in bed and refuse my advances. She was fairly drunk and I left the room to make sure that the house was locked down and the lights were off. My gut did not feel good about the text. I checked her phone and there was no text on it. I had heard the sound it makes when one is sent.
What I did find were emails to another man. And there were phone calls. I knew of this person, he lives out of state and they used to work together. He is married with a wife and children. She had mentioned him because his company had just opened a retail store in our town.
We have had our fights and share of problems, one thing that she says when she is mad and had a few drinks is that she does not love me and wants a divorce. When confronted the next day these are dismissed as just ways to hurt me. I have not put much stock into it until now.
I did not know what to do, I forwarded the emails to myself and got the call logs for our cell phones downloaded. I would look at them later. From the records it had been going on for 3 months, they had talked about once a month before that for about a year.
I was in shock, to say the least. I held it together that night and did not say anything. The next morning while cuddling in bed I asked her if she thought that we could get to a better place in our marriage. She said no in a dead pan sort of matter. I left it alone. Before lunch that day I saw a message form him asking if everything was alright and that the message had said "miss you". I called a friend and told him what was going on he said let him think about it. The next day I was with this friend and his advice was good. He said to work on the things that I thought were wrong in the marriage and pray about it. Before confronting her. So I did and kept a tab on the phone and email.
That week went great, she had a stressful week, and by that Friday had noticed the changes. She asked what brought on the changes, and I told her that we needed to make changes or our relationship would not make it. We had some wine, talked and then she asked me if I had a girlfriend. That night we made love. After making love she sat up at the end of the bed and asked again if I had a girlfriend, I said no. I then asked her if she had a boyfriend, she was silent. I asked if there was anyone else. Then she told me about him. That they used to work together and that he asked her advice on work topics. I asked her if she had slept with him, she said no but that she had thought about it. I told her that it had to end. If we were to make it she had to stop it. We did not talk about it the next day, I was waiting on her to bring it up, and she was probably waiting on me to do the same. I failed.
I talked to one of her coworkers and also her best friend, both friends of mine and are very confidential. Both of them are shocked to hear about this. If I did not trust them I would not have called and to date they have not said anything. There advice was to see what happens and work on us.
I monitored the calls and she made a few that week. On Thursday, I made appointments for counselling and confronted her. She did not want to do the counselling and was mad that it went that far. She said that we could do this ourselves. I told her again that if we were to be married that this had to stop.
I kept tabs of the phone and emails, and saw an email from him wanting to know what was wrong, I did not see a reply. We were getting along great. There were no phone records for about a month. And I did not keep checking the email. I found that all the checking up eats you up.
A month passes and she went to San Diego with our son to visit one of her friends. We had been getting along great. While there they have wine one night and I see a drunk dial to him at midnight. He did not answer because it was so late.
I will say that the call hurt. But I know that this is like her breaking up with him. While it is not alright, I expected to see another phone call. I had not seen anything up to this point to make me think that if had not ended. You can say that I was too lenient. This call hurt, because she was drunk dial and it was not to me.
I will stat this here, I love my wife and our family. But I have enough self respect that I will not play second fiddle to anyone. That is what this had made me feel like. I do not want to be a part time Dad. One of the reasons that I let this call go on is that from what I have researched, these things tend to play out after a couple of months.
Then 3 weeks ago, a friend of hers ask her to go to a concert at the last minute. So she asks if I would go have a drink with them before the show. (my parents are in town for a school thing with our son and love to watch him.) So I go we have a great time meet up with some other couples and have a drink. It is time for them to go to the show, they walk off and I go home. I offer to pick them up after the show. After an hour and a half she sends me a text asking me to come meet them. I was glad, because the crazy half of me thought he might be in town. He was not. A friend was working the door and let me in. She was surprised and excited to see me. We went for drinks afterward and had a great time. I felt silly and stupid for letting my insecurity get the best of me.
I had not checked her phone or the call records in a while. She changed the password because she said that she wanted to see when we could get an upgrade. I believed her, her phone had been acting up (also naive on my part). I have not changed it to one that I know yet. His contact information was deleted from her phone. I felt that there was no reason, things had been going good. We were talking, not fighting, getting along. The only time that we had talked about it was after we were intimate on night she asked if I had called Scott, my response was Scott who? She said you know who. I said no, why would I. She said because I am your wife. I told her that I had no reason to call him.
Then the other day just to reassure myself that everything was okay, i checked her phone. Here is what I see in her trash email.
Sent on : 04/10 10:17:58 PM EDT
Subject : Thinking of you
At a Susan something concert. Derek Trucks I think. She sounds like Nora Jones.
Damn you
and the reply
Date: April 11, 2014 at 7:44:29 AM EDT
Subject: RE: Thinking of you
It's funny. I had never even heard that Lady Antebellum song before and now
I feel like it chases me around! It shows up in the strangest places.
Be strong. ;)
I am in the process of getting the password changes so that I can see the phone log, scared to death what I may see. This one hurt because she had just sent me a text wanting me to come be with her and here she is sending him an email thinking about him.
What I am wanting advice on is what do you gleam from this email, are they still talking and she got careless about this one.
I know she still must have feelings for him.
Do I wait on the phone records and then confront her? If there are more calls?
She is going out for a girls night with one of her friends this Saturday, do i wait and see if she calls him when she is drunk and not with me? Using this as the proverbial third strike?
Like I said earlier, I will not be second choice, she is not my second choice.
Thanks for reading and I look forward to you thoughts.
Put the internet to work for you.
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