Warning: Long text post.
Notes: I've read some of the threads on cheating and you guys are very quick with the "Leave him" and "He's definitely sleeping around" That's not constructive.
I've been dating my current boyfriend for just about 3 years now, and from the start I knew that he liked to sext/cyber. I caught him doing it one day the first year we were going out and blew up about it and he said he wouldn't do it again blah blah blah. He stops with this girl and I don't really think about it.
Then a year later or so he starts it up again over Skype with this girl Emily who lives in Australia (we live in the US). We sit down and actually have a discussion about it because obviously this is something that is a recurring theme.
He says that it's just a fantasy, he has no real romantic interest in this woman, that she likes "teasing" him online and he uses it as an alternative to porn since it's so custom tailored to his wants and desires. He says that even if he could date her he wouldn't because she's got baggage etc and that it's purely out of his fetish of being dominant and having that feeling that someone wants him when I'm not around.
We talk about it for a while and I finally come around to the fact that yes, they are never going to meet, no he would never do something so rash as to break up with me and move across the world for some girl who he sexts with. They never talk to each other unless its sexting.
We kind of discuss a set of boundaries. No pictures of yourself being sent to her, no money exchange etc. I keep tabs on his activities to make sure that nothing super shady is going on.
During the next months he starts adding more random girls on Skype to sext with... but almost all of them don't add him back or do what he wants. They're mostly cam girls and he tells them repeatedly that he's not going to spend money on anything. I don't say anything to him because this is acceptable from the boundaries we've talked about.
Fast forward to February of this year. He starts talking to this girl Bonnie who we met at a party a few years ago. We have only met her once and we have never talked to her since that night. For some reason he wants to get back in touch with her. She's recently just broken up with her long-time boyfriend and has moved back into his hometown about 20mins away.
Now I am a little wary about this from the start because when we were leaving the party those years ago he tells me that he has a confession to make. That he thought that she was sexy and that she turned him on (but obviously he was coming home with me). I was a little upset but nothing happened between them so whatever... people can be turned on by other people, let's not be hypocritical here.
Now that she's back in our life I start off on the defensive. I see their texts to each other... really casual. Hey how are you? You broke up with your boyfriend? That sucks. Yeah I just moved into a new place. We should hang out sometime.
Now during this time, we get into an argument about me being sneaky and snooping at his Skype messages and texts. It's a pretty big deal. He argues that if he had something to hide he would delete the messages. I agree to stop looking at his stuff.
It goes pretty well for a while. Until last week.
He starts being really secretive with his phone. Won't let it out of his sight, doesn't leave it in common areas. Doesn't ask me to go get it for him anymore (usually if he's in the bath he'll read comics on his phone, and if he forgets it he'll ask me to get it, but now he just gets out of the bath all wet and comes back into the living room to get it himself). Etc.
So yesterday I finally caved and looked at it while he was asleep.
He has been sexting with Bonnie. I read the entire chat history between them and realise that everything has been leading up to this moment. Things like "you're cute" and "something about you makes me think you're kinky" etc etc.
She has reservations because she knows about me and has met me. He says its cool because he sexts Emily all the time and I'm ok with that. They talk about bondage and anal sex and how me and him have tried it, but that I'm not very good at it and don't really like it and that she would be way better at it. They talk about squirting and how he would like to make her squirt.
Then they make arrangements to meet up cause he's coming into town on Wednesday anyways. She says straight up that even though she finds him attractive that she's not going to let him have sex with her, because that's too low, to help someone cheat. He's fine with that, they're just going to play video games and smoke weed. But then she starts to maybe change her mind... she says things like "now you're making me question myself" and he's like "i don't have to **** you to make you cum"
He goes to her house without letting me know and I don't suspect a thing because we're currently in the process of helping renovate his parents house so that we can move back in with them (Bonnie happens to live a few streets over) and he's gone over there to talk to his parents about things. His mom wanted to talk to him alone (this I know is true) so I let him go without fuss and he says that he might meet up with a few of his high-school friends while he's there.
So I get really upset. We've talked about this issue before and we've even talked specifically about Bonnie and how I don't like her because of the previous party. It's worse because I know he finds her attractive and that she lives so close.
I send her a Facebook message "Did Jay go over to your house Wed?" I want her to respond to me before she talks to him or anything like that because I want to see if she'll tell me the truth. Cause if she says yes then I know nothing happened. And if she lies then it gives me free reign to call her a shady ***** and a **** etc.
I confront him about it because I can't hide my emotions. He doesn't get mad at me for looking at the texts, he just says over and over and over again that he's sorry and he should have just told me and that nothing happened and that they only played video games.
She doesn't respond to me, she texts him all panicked. "Lisa messaged me on Facebook what do I do???" I want her to respond to me without outside help but that's not going to be an option anymore.
We discuss it for a while and he says that if he'd known how much I didn't want him to do it with Bonnie specifically he wouldn't have done it. He knew that I was going to be weirded out by going over to her house and that's why he didn't tell me and I point out that if he knew I was going to react to it in that way he knew it was wrong. He says he'll stay away from her from now on. He feels really bad because he thinks that we all could have been friends cause she's really cool. I say that I also think we could have been friends but now he's ruined it.
Jay tells Bonnie to tell me the truth on Facebook cause he's already talked about it with me. She replies with "yeah" and I make up some bull**** about how it sucks that I couldn't be there cause I really like Rock Band. And she says that next time I'm invited.
Jay and I don't really discuss it for the rest of the day. He keeps asking me how long I'm going to be mad for... or if I'm still mad. I am because you can't just go from 100 back to 0 in a day with something like this.
Now it's 4am and I can't sleep. I don't trust him anymore with the phone so now I'm looking at it freely. Todays texts with Bonnie are her freaking out about how my message scared her and she thought that I knew about the sexts until I said I wanted to play Rockband. She thought that he had invited me to her house and I had declined, but now knows that he didn't and she's mad at him for brining the drama to her.
His replies are apologetic but still flirty. He asks her about her night and wonders if she got laid. She says "I like sex but I'm not easy." and he replies "Well I feel lucky then" Which makes me think once again that they had sex and he was lying... but her reply is "why's that?" so I guess it's just a case of inflated ego. Then he asks her if she's got Skype. So much for staying away from her.
So my issue is... how can I trust him again?
Do I let him know I saw the comment about Skype and how that's not ****ing staying away from her?
Do I let her know that I know? If she actually is a good person let her stop sexting him?
Do I keep looking at his texts while he's asleep? For how long?
P.S. she said that she would never send pics of herself,but then a few weeks later she did no naked no face just lingerie. I sent them to my phone so I have a copy.
Notes: I've read some of the threads on cheating and you guys are very quick with the "Leave him" and "He's definitely sleeping around" That's not constructive.
I've been dating my current boyfriend for just about 3 years now, and from the start I knew that he liked to sext/cyber. I caught him doing it one day the first year we were going out and blew up about it and he said he wouldn't do it again blah blah blah. He stops with this girl and I don't really think about it.
Then a year later or so he starts it up again over Skype with this girl Emily who lives in Australia (we live in the US). We sit down and actually have a discussion about it because obviously this is something that is a recurring theme.
He says that it's just a fantasy, he has no real romantic interest in this woman, that she likes "teasing" him online and he uses it as an alternative to porn since it's so custom tailored to his wants and desires. He says that even if he could date her he wouldn't because she's got baggage etc and that it's purely out of his fetish of being dominant and having that feeling that someone wants him when I'm not around.
We talk about it for a while and I finally come around to the fact that yes, they are never going to meet, no he would never do something so rash as to break up with me and move across the world for some girl who he sexts with. They never talk to each other unless its sexting.
We kind of discuss a set of boundaries. No pictures of yourself being sent to her, no money exchange etc. I keep tabs on his activities to make sure that nothing super shady is going on.
During the next months he starts adding more random girls on Skype to sext with... but almost all of them don't add him back or do what he wants. They're mostly cam girls and he tells them repeatedly that he's not going to spend money on anything. I don't say anything to him because this is acceptable from the boundaries we've talked about.
Fast forward to February of this year. He starts talking to this girl Bonnie who we met at a party a few years ago. We have only met her once and we have never talked to her since that night. For some reason he wants to get back in touch with her. She's recently just broken up with her long-time boyfriend and has moved back into his hometown about 20mins away.
Now I am a little wary about this from the start because when we were leaving the party those years ago he tells me that he has a confession to make. That he thought that she was sexy and that she turned him on (but obviously he was coming home with me). I was a little upset but nothing happened between them so whatever... people can be turned on by other people, let's not be hypocritical here.
Now that she's back in our life I start off on the defensive. I see their texts to each other... really casual. Hey how are you? You broke up with your boyfriend? That sucks. Yeah I just moved into a new place. We should hang out sometime.
Now during this time, we get into an argument about me being sneaky and snooping at his Skype messages and texts. It's a pretty big deal. He argues that if he had something to hide he would delete the messages. I agree to stop looking at his stuff.
It goes pretty well for a while. Until last week.
He starts being really secretive with his phone. Won't let it out of his sight, doesn't leave it in common areas. Doesn't ask me to go get it for him anymore (usually if he's in the bath he'll read comics on his phone, and if he forgets it he'll ask me to get it, but now he just gets out of the bath all wet and comes back into the living room to get it himself). Etc.
So yesterday I finally caved and looked at it while he was asleep.
He has been sexting with Bonnie. I read the entire chat history between them and realise that everything has been leading up to this moment. Things like "you're cute" and "something about you makes me think you're kinky" etc etc.
She has reservations because she knows about me and has met me. He says its cool because he sexts Emily all the time and I'm ok with that. They talk about bondage and anal sex and how me and him have tried it, but that I'm not very good at it and don't really like it and that she would be way better at it. They talk about squirting and how he would like to make her squirt.
Then they make arrangements to meet up cause he's coming into town on Wednesday anyways. She says straight up that even though she finds him attractive that she's not going to let him have sex with her, because that's too low, to help someone cheat. He's fine with that, they're just going to play video games and smoke weed. But then she starts to maybe change her mind... she says things like "now you're making me question myself" and he's like "i don't have to **** you to make you cum"
He goes to her house without letting me know and I don't suspect a thing because we're currently in the process of helping renovate his parents house so that we can move back in with them (Bonnie happens to live a few streets over) and he's gone over there to talk to his parents about things. His mom wanted to talk to him alone (this I know is true) so I let him go without fuss and he says that he might meet up with a few of his high-school friends while he's there.
So I get really upset. We've talked about this issue before and we've even talked specifically about Bonnie and how I don't like her because of the previous party. It's worse because I know he finds her attractive and that she lives so close.
I send her a Facebook message "Did Jay go over to your house Wed?" I want her to respond to me before she talks to him or anything like that because I want to see if she'll tell me the truth. Cause if she says yes then I know nothing happened. And if she lies then it gives me free reign to call her a shady ***** and a **** etc.
I confront him about it because I can't hide my emotions. He doesn't get mad at me for looking at the texts, he just says over and over and over again that he's sorry and he should have just told me and that nothing happened and that they only played video games.
She doesn't respond to me, she texts him all panicked. "Lisa messaged me on Facebook what do I do???" I want her to respond to me without outside help but that's not going to be an option anymore.
We discuss it for a while and he says that if he'd known how much I didn't want him to do it with Bonnie specifically he wouldn't have done it. He knew that I was going to be weirded out by going over to her house and that's why he didn't tell me and I point out that if he knew I was going to react to it in that way he knew it was wrong. He says he'll stay away from her from now on. He feels really bad because he thinks that we all could have been friends cause she's really cool. I say that I also think we could have been friends but now he's ruined it.
Jay tells Bonnie to tell me the truth on Facebook cause he's already talked about it with me. She replies with "yeah" and I make up some bull**** about how it sucks that I couldn't be there cause I really like Rock Band. And she says that next time I'm invited.
Jay and I don't really discuss it for the rest of the day. He keeps asking me how long I'm going to be mad for... or if I'm still mad. I am because you can't just go from 100 back to 0 in a day with something like this.
Now it's 4am and I can't sleep. I don't trust him anymore with the phone so now I'm looking at it freely. Todays texts with Bonnie are her freaking out about how my message scared her and she thought that I knew about the sexts until I said I wanted to play Rockband. She thought that he had invited me to her house and I had declined, but now knows that he didn't and she's mad at him for brining the drama to her.
His replies are apologetic but still flirty. He asks her about her night and wonders if she got laid. She says "I like sex but I'm not easy." and he replies "Well I feel lucky then" Which makes me think once again that they had sex and he was lying... but her reply is "why's that?" so I guess it's just a case of inflated ego. Then he asks her if she's got Skype. So much for staying away from her.
So my issue is... how can I trust him again?
Do I let him know I saw the comment about Skype and how that's not ****ing staying away from her?
Do I let her know that I know? If she actually is a good person let her stop sexting him?
Do I keep looking at his texts while he's asleep? For how long?
P.S. she said that she would never send pics of herself,but then a few weeks later she did no naked no face just lingerie. I sent them to my phone so I have a copy.
Put the internet to work for you.
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