I am sure that I will sound pathetic, whiny, and ungrateful, all of which I probably am.
But I am sick to death of having low self-esteem/constantly worrying about stuff and being paranoid. This is how my life has been more or less forever.
The bullying I received still affects me very badly. I know so many people have been through bullying, and have managed to become stronger from it, but I just wish I could get over it. I was bullied from as early as I can remember, the age of 7 or 8, until I was 20 (I'm 23 now). Both in work and school. I was bullied by tons of different people, even some who were supposed to be my friends. I'm so grateful it doesn't happen now, but I just keep wondering why me.
My weight gets to me every day. I live my life counting calories. I am by no means overweight, I was classed as underweight until very recently when I gained a couple of pounds. But my body is out of proportion, my thighs are bigger than the rest of me so it makes me look quite a bit larger than what I actually weigh. I am sick of all the pressure in the media and all the pressure for a woman to have the 'perfect body' because I constantly scrutinize myself for it.
I am an absolute joke in relationships. I'm surprised my boyfriend is still with me and I find it so hard to conduct a relationship successfully. I constantly think that I am not good enough and that the person will surely meet someone better. Even if they have been with me for long-term, I just tell myself that they haven't met this person yet. Whenever they start to become good friends with a girl, I fear that they're gonna start to fall in love. ( I don't say this stuff, but it eats me up inside) If I carry on like this, I will never have a successful relationship. Tons of girls have been interested in my boyfriend and tell him he's good looking, but since guys rarely do that with me, I conclude that he's too good for me. He's also very talented in many areas, whereas I am talented at f**k all.
I often think I'm a b***ch. Before my current boyfriend, I was dating someone else, but I ended it because I felt that we were better as friends, and I had feelings for my current boyfriend. Something happened quite soon after I broke up with my ex with my current boyfriend (we hadn't started a relationship but we went on a date and were intimate) and I confessed to my ex right away and told him how sorry I was. The abuse I received from most of those who knew made me want to kill myself, and sometimes I think of that mistake and it makes me think even more that I am a b**ch. The regret is that it made my ex upset at the time.
I have moved to a new place, and for some reason, people are friendly in person to me and suggest hanging out, but when I take their contact details, they don't reply to my messages. Since this has happened maybe 4 times, I am just sick of wondering why they've suddenly changed their mind.
I often think about the girl my boyfriend liked for years (just before we got together) and who seemed to like him too/acted weird with him, and wonder whether he misses her.
I cry at least every week. I want to save my relationship, and be a confident, strong person. I feel like I'm not the person my boyfriend fell in love with. I want it to be like it used to be, I want to feel like a new person. I am sorry for the length of this post and would be very grateful if anyone could offer me any advice. Thanks a lot.
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