The condensed version:
I'm 44, the wife is 49. We've been together 11 years; married for 4. This is my first marriage, her third. She has 2 kids from her 2nd marriage, teenage boys (she has joint custody). I moved into her home
We started fighting badly back in March. I left for a week but came back after we talked about our issues and both promised to try better. It lasted until May then we both said we didn't love each other anymore. I told her how I wanted to break-up (really wanted to hear her say no but she didn't) and waited for her to come home from work. She did...with the police claiming she was scared. There was NEVER any physical violence or threat of it.
I moved out, took all my stuff, etc.. We didn't talk for a week. Then I sent her an email asking her to call me about getting a divorce. When we finally talked she said she didn't want one. We met-up and made up, but the next day she went numb when communicating via email about her going for individual counseling as well as marriage counseling.
We had plans to exchange stuff when I learned one of her boys had a mental health issue. We talked for about a week before she exploded at me again and said we are through.
We exchanged dear john emails, etc. I had the lawyer send the letter asking what her intent was. She replied to the lawyer, but not me. Then she left a voicemail. On advice of a friend, I initiated communications again. In retrospect, I should have left then!
At this point, I knew my mistakes (which I'll get to soon) but I also knew she had issues and needed to put in work.
We tried a reconciliation. First we started with church. We tried hers but I didn't like it, so we went to a new one and we both liked it. Then we started seeing a Counselor. We started seeing each other and a pattern and routine developed, but I never felt she tried to change her behaviors. I know I've changed mine and I have improved.
Our arguments at first were about our blended family and our roles, boundaries, and poor communications. I had the wrong expectations about how her children would accept me and since have learned that it doesn't matter as long as our marriage is strong. Which its not.
I apologized for my share of the hurt and pain, and so did she. We both learned how to talk to each other better, and at church she got saved and I reaffirmed my salvation. we went to bible study class. Every once in a while she'd ask me to move back. Pretty good, right?
Well around Thanksgiving she walked into therapy with a laundry list of complaints about me; totally out of the blue and mostly old issues. Even the counselor was dumbfounded. The wife said she felt unequal and was upset that I could buy myself things while she struggled on her own. BTW, she makes more money than me. I told her throwing me out had consequences.
We talked more after that session in parking lot. She said she sometimes thinks she would be better off without me. I asked her if she really loved me or was she just trying to spare my feelings. She said she did love me.
BTW-one of her gripes in therapy was that she felt whenever she vented to me about her issues that I tried to solve her problems. I agreed to try to talk with her better, but a pattern developed where I became her doormat, and if I tried to give my opinion on something (without saying what she said or did was wrong) she would get either angry, withdrawn, or threaten to end the relationship.
On a Thursday we went to her company Christmas party. After dinner, she asked me if I wanted to play one of the games with her. I said no thanks and she said she was going to play a few with her female coworkers. No problem. But 45 minutes later she was still playing and would have kept playing all night had she not seen me putting my jacket on to leave.
In the car as she was driving out she asked what was wrong. I said I felt abandoned, sitting alone at a table and I know nobody. She slammed on breaks, swore, and screamed I told her to play. No conversation on the way home. No apology. She feels she did nothing wrong. She feels this is the right way to talk to people.
When we got to her place we argued more and old issues came up. I told her leaving me to play games with your coworkers is not the issues, but yelling at me when I tell you how I feel is wrong. We sort of resolved things, but I knew we didn't.
Friday morning at 7 am we talked on phones. she was remote and acting like nothing happened. We had plans for that night. She told me she loved me. I wasn't feeling the love. I texted her asking her to call me during her lunch break so we could talk about the night before. She texted back she couldn't, she was too busy. I texted ok, call me when you get home. She texted back saying I thought we had plans. I said I don't want to see you until we talk. She said forget about going out. I said ok think about how what you did hurt me.
At 5 PM she called and said my behavior last night shows her that I can't change. She said she is better off without me and that she didn't want to exchange Christmas gifts. She said that talking to me makes her angry. I noticed an hour later she deleted all references to me, our marriage, and blocked me on Facebook. I've been erased.
On Saturday morning she texted me saying she changed her mind and that she wanted to give me her Christmas gift. I met her and before she could start talking gave her back her key. She gave me the gift. then I said lets go across the street to the bank to close the joint checking account. We did. As we left she said she was sorry. I said this is what you wanted.
I know she has told one person that WE, not HER, have decided to break-up.
This has been going on forever. Too many details to list.
Another of her episodes, or is she done? Should I even care and want her back? Any thoughts?
I'm 44, the wife is 49. We've been together 11 years; married for 4. This is my first marriage, her third. She has 2 kids from her 2nd marriage, teenage boys (she has joint custody). I moved into her home
We started fighting badly back in March. I left for a week but came back after we talked about our issues and both promised to try better. It lasted until May then we both said we didn't love each other anymore. I told her how I wanted to break-up (really wanted to hear her say no but she didn't) and waited for her to come home from work. She did...with the police claiming she was scared. There was NEVER any physical violence or threat of it.
I moved out, took all my stuff, etc.. We didn't talk for a week. Then I sent her an email asking her to call me about getting a divorce. When we finally talked she said she didn't want one. We met-up and made up, but the next day she went numb when communicating via email about her going for individual counseling as well as marriage counseling.
We had plans to exchange stuff when I learned one of her boys had a mental health issue. We talked for about a week before she exploded at me again and said we are through.
We exchanged dear john emails, etc. I had the lawyer send the letter asking what her intent was. She replied to the lawyer, but not me. Then she left a voicemail. On advice of a friend, I initiated communications again. In retrospect, I should have left then!
At this point, I knew my mistakes (which I'll get to soon) but I also knew she had issues and needed to put in work.
We tried a reconciliation. First we started with church. We tried hers but I didn't like it, so we went to a new one and we both liked it. Then we started seeing a Counselor. We started seeing each other and a pattern and routine developed, but I never felt she tried to change her behaviors. I know I've changed mine and I have improved.
Our arguments at first were about our blended family and our roles, boundaries, and poor communications. I had the wrong expectations about how her children would accept me and since have learned that it doesn't matter as long as our marriage is strong. Which its not.
I apologized for my share of the hurt and pain, and so did she. We both learned how to talk to each other better, and at church she got saved and I reaffirmed my salvation. we went to bible study class. Every once in a while she'd ask me to move back. Pretty good, right?
Well around Thanksgiving she walked into therapy with a laundry list of complaints about me; totally out of the blue and mostly old issues. Even the counselor was dumbfounded. The wife said she felt unequal and was upset that I could buy myself things while she struggled on her own. BTW, she makes more money than me. I told her throwing me out had consequences.
We talked more after that session in parking lot. She said she sometimes thinks she would be better off without me. I asked her if she really loved me or was she just trying to spare my feelings. She said she did love me.
BTW-one of her gripes in therapy was that she felt whenever she vented to me about her issues that I tried to solve her problems. I agreed to try to talk with her better, but a pattern developed where I became her doormat, and if I tried to give my opinion on something (without saying what she said or did was wrong) she would get either angry, withdrawn, or threaten to end the relationship.
On a Thursday we went to her company Christmas party. After dinner, she asked me if I wanted to play one of the games with her. I said no thanks and she said she was going to play a few with her female coworkers. No problem. But 45 minutes later she was still playing and would have kept playing all night had she not seen me putting my jacket on to leave.
In the car as she was driving out she asked what was wrong. I said I felt abandoned, sitting alone at a table and I know nobody. She slammed on breaks, swore, and screamed I told her to play. No conversation on the way home. No apology. She feels she did nothing wrong. She feels this is the right way to talk to people.
When we got to her place we argued more and old issues came up. I told her leaving me to play games with your coworkers is not the issues, but yelling at me when I tell you how I feel is wrong. We sort of resolved things, but I knew we didn't.
Friday morning at 7 am we talked on phones. she was remote and acting like nothing happened. We had plans for that night. She told me she loved me. I wasn't feeling the love. I texted her asking her to call me during her lunch break so we could talk about the night before. She texted back she couldn't, she was too busy. I texted ok, call me when you get home. She texted back saying I thought we had plans. I said I don't want to see you until we talk. She said forget about going out. I said ok think about how what you did hurt me.
At 5 PM she called and said my behavior last night shows her that I can't change. She said she is better off without me and that she didn't want to exchange Christmas gifts. She said that talking to me makes her angry. I noticed an hour later she deleted all references to me, our marriage, and blocked me on Facebook. I've been erased.
On Saturday morning she texted me saying she changed her mind and that she wanted to give me her Christmas gift. I met her and before she could start talking gave her back her key. She gave me the gift. then I said lets go across the street to the bank to close the joint checking account. We did. As we left she said she was sorry. I said this is what you wanted.
I know she has told one person that WE, not HER, have decided to break-up.
This has been going on forever. Too many details to list.
Another of her episodes, or is she done? Should I even care and want her back? Any thoughts?
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