New here and would like to get input. Thank you in advance.
30 year/female, married to my college best friend for 3 years now. Just this past summer we realized our "big blow out fighting" we've been having for years was actually my husband verbally abusing me. He took full responsibility, apologized, and got help. Despite therapists encouraging us to separate temporarily while he addresses his issue (and I can heal from the abuse, we decided to stay living together. It back-fired. The stress from the newly found abusive behavior created more abusive behavior tendencies in him. Few months later, an incident was so severe I called the police for the 1st time in my life. He's on probation & I am living with my folks a couple hours away. He knows what he is doing is wrong and is seeking even more treatment and help for his problem.
The weird thing about all of this is I WANT to save the marriage. I know he wants to stop his behavior & I will do whatever it takes to have a healthy marriage. We both agreed separation was much needed. The catch is, he doesn't want ANY communication whatsoever. He says he learned from therapy that his abusive behavior is coming from his severe unhappiness with himself and within the marriage. He feels he has zero boundaries around me and therefore, ends up becoming a person he doesn't want to become. I would still like to communicate and get a jump on repairing things, but he doesn't want to communicate until he has had more therapy and figures himself out. The separation is open-ended and when he contacts me again to discuss our marriage is up to him. He does NOT know if he wants to stay married to me. He thinks his unhappiness in our marriage could mean we are incompatible. I have done the usual WRONG things: begging him back, telling him I didn't mean to ever make him un happy, begging him to tell me what he needs from me so he CAN be happy, etc. It only pushed him further away.
It's been 1 month exactly since the incident with police and the separation, but it's only been ONE week since we cut off all contact.
How can an abusive man who wants to change NOT know if he wants to fix things for his marriage? Do men like to cut things off completely, is this how some men operate? Can no communication and distance really help a marriage? He says he will call me as soon as he is ready to start discussing our marriage. I will respect his wishes, but the no contact kills me. Who knows if it does for him.
Any experience with this? Thank you!
30 year/female, married to my college best friend for 3 years now. Just this past summer we realized our "big blow out fighting" we've been having for years was actually my husband verbally abusing me. He took full responsibility, apologized, and got help. Despite therapists encouraging us to separate temporarily while he addresses his issue (and I can heal from the abuse, we decided to stay living together. It back-fired. The stress from the newly found abusive behavior created more abusive behavior tendencies in him. Few months later, an incident was so severe I called the police for the 1st time in my life. He's on probation & I am living with my folks a couple hours away. He knows what he is doing is wrong and is seeking even more treatment and help for his problem.
The weird thing about all of this is I WANT to save the marriage. I know he wants to stop his behavior & I will do whatever it takes to have a healthy marriage. We both agreed separation was much needed. The catch is, he doesn't want ANY communication whatsoever. He says he learned from therapy that his abusive behavior is coming from his severe unhappiness with himself and within the marriage. He feels he has zero boundaries around me and therefore, ends up becoming a person he doesn't want to become. I would still like to communicate and get a jump on repairing things, but he doesn't want to communicate until he has had more therapy and figures himself out. The separation is open-ended and when he contacts me again to discuss our marriage is up to him. He does NOT know if he wants to stay married to me. He thinks his unhappiness in our marriage could mean we are incompatible. I have done the usual WRONG things: begging him back, telling him I didn't mean to ever make him un happy, begging him to tell me what he needs from me so he CAN be happy, etc. It only pushed him further away.
It's been 1 month exactly since the incident with police and the separation, but it's only been ONE week since we cut off all contact.
How can an abusive man who wants to change NOT know if he wants to fix things for his marriage? Do men like to cut things off completely, is this how some men operate? Can no communication and distance really help a marriage? He says he will call me as soon as he is ready to start discussing our marriage. I will respect his wishes, but the no contact kills me. Who knows if it does for him.
Any experience with this? Thank you!
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