I've been with my husband for almost ten years. But married for just over 2. We, if you have read my other post know, are not exactly the calm and never-fighting type of couple. Many years back, he used physical violence sometimes during arguments. Like probably on 4 or 5 occasions tops. Never hit me, but pushed me back while holding my arms, or grabbed my shoulders. Now, I am not innocent during our fights, and I know I can be provocative and I tend to not be able to drop things when we are fighting. So if he is walking away, I will follow him (though I am getting better). OK. it sounds awful, but I am trying to paint a realistic picture. BUT, one time, about 6 years ago, he pushed me when I had my back to him and I fell so fast that I wasn't able to stop my fall, and I landed directly on my chin. It was terribly swollen and bruised for weeks. I know some of you might think right away, why the heck did I stay with him after that, but I guess the only eas y answer I have is that it's complicated and I certainly know he didn't mean to have that happen. And when I say it's complicated, not only are him and I complicated, but I guess I have my own issues.
Anyway, the reason why I am writing now is because after that I told him that if he ever used physical violence again, it'd end. I couldn't stay with him. well, a lot happened since then, including us getting married, and there has been no physical stuff like that. but yesterday, we were driving on the highway (back home after the holidays), and I accused him of being too flirtatious with a girl. He told me to stop, and I didn't (as I mentioned, that is my problem). so he yelled at me to "shut up" (VERY loudly). I felt disrespected, and upset that he talks to me like that sometimes. So, after about 5 minutes, I said, you can't talk to me like that. After that, he pulled over on the side of the highway, and said that I had better be careful because "you know that you make me blow my top and get extremely angry and have broken things and hurt you." Being that I am training to be a counsellor I hate the "you 'make' me" stuff. So I said "I don't make you do anything!" Well, that was it, he started freaking out, yelling "shut the **** up" then got out of the car sat in the back and told me that I had to drive the rest of the way or apologize. Now, this was a big threat because I have been in a car accident and haven't been able to get over it, and basically lost a lot of my confidence in driving. I told him that I couldn't and he had better. And on this went. I started telling him that he was putting our lives at risk leaving us on the side of the highway. Now it's a little blurry at this point, but I know he started punching the back of my seat over and over. Basically, I was very non-confrontational at this point- but was crying. He kept telling me that I had to apologize if I wanted him to drive. Which at this point in the argument was so hard because it felt like emotional abuse to apologize after he is swearing, calling me names, yelling, and punching the seat. At one point he grabbed my arm and went to punch the seat again, but accidentally hi t my in the chin. it all happened so fast, but I know it was not on purpose, and yet, those kinds of accidents don't happen when no one is punching things, right?! And after that, he told me that I need to admit that I put our lives at risk and that was the only way he would drive. well, being that my chin hurt, and I was crying and we were sitting on the highway, I finally said, ok yes, it was me who was putting our lives at risk. I know that I play my part and certainly didn't let something small go yesterday.... but now he hit me. my chin hurts (especially because my chin still remembers that fall 6 years ago). and I haven't been able to talk to him much since, except to get things done or whatever. he apologized last night... but we didn't talk about anything else. I asked him to sleep in the guest room and that was it. I'm being quiet, because I don't know what to do. Like I said, we've been together for a long time, I love him, and despite our fights, we have a lot of other things going for us when we are getting along. We have the best conversations that I have ever had with anyone ever for one thing... and I have a fairly innate sense of commitment and loyalty. BUT, I said that I wouldn't be physically touched like that again. So I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. It's hard to just walk away from everything. But after what I said, how can I stay? But then again, after everything and our vows, etc, how can I just go?
I've thought about telling him to go to anger management classes or counselling or something ASAP and in the mean time to sleep in separate rooms and just to be a bit on hold. because I feel pretty sad about this, but I just... well, I don't know.
Anyway, the reason why I am writing now is because after that I told him that if he ever used physical violence again, it'd end. I couldn't stay with him. well, a lot happened since then, including us getting married, and there has been no physical stuff like that. but yesterday, we were driving on the highway (back home after the holidays), and I accused him of being too flirtatious with a girl. He told me to stop, and I didn't (as I mentioned, that is my problem). so he yelled at me to "shut up" (VERY loudly). I felt disrespected, and upset that he talks to me like that sometimes. So, after about 5 minutes, I said, you can't talk to me like that. After that, he pulled over on the side of the highway, and said that I had better be careful because "you know that you make me blow my top and get extremely angry and have broken things and hurt you." Being that I am training to be a counsellor I hate the "you 'make' me" stuff. So I said "I don't make you do anything!" Well, that was it, he started freaking out, yelling "shut the **** up" then got out of the car sat in the back and told me that I had to drive the rest of the way or apologize. Now, this was a big threat because I have been in a car accident and haven't been able to get over it, and basically lost a lot of my confidence in driving. I told him that I couldn't and he had better. And on this went. I started telling him that he was putting our lives at risk leaving us on the side of the highway. Now it's a little blurry at this point, but I know he started punching the back of my seat over and over. Basically, I was very non-confrontational at this point- but was crying. He kept telling me that I had to apologize if I wanted him to drive. Which at this point in the argument was so hard because it felt like emotional abuse to apologize after he is swearing, calling me names, yelling, and punching the seat. At one point he grabbed my arm and went to punch the seat again, but accidentally hi t my in the chin. it all happened so fast, but I know it was not on purpose, and yet, those kinds of accidents don't happen when no one is punching things, right?! And after that, he told me that I need to admit that I put our lives at risk and that was the only way he would drive. well, being that my chin hurt, and I was crying and we were sitting on the highway, I finally said, ok yes, it was me who was putting our lives at risk. I know that I play my part and certainly didn't let something small go yesterday.... but now he hit me. my chin hurts (especially because my chin still remembers that fall 6 years ago). and I haven't been able to talk to him much since, except to get things done or whatever. he apologized last night... but we didn't talk about anything else. I asked him to sleep in the guest room and that was it. I'm being quiet, because I don't know what to do. Like I said, we've been together for a long time, I love him, and despite our fights, we have a lot of other things going for us when we are getting along. We have the best conversations that I have ever had with anyone ever for one thing... and I have a fairly innate sense of commitment and loyalty. BUT, I said that I wouldn't be physically touched like that again. So I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. It's hard to just walk away from everything. But after what I said, how can I stay? But then again, after everything and our vows, etc, how can I just go?
I've thought about telling him to go to anger management classes or counselling or something ASAP and in the mean time to sleep in separate rooms and just to be a bit on hold. because I feel pretty sad about this, but I just... well, I don't know.
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