I will break this up into four parts:
Overview of her affair
Description of people involved
Things I have learned and would change
Some questions
Overview:
About three months ago my wife confessed to me that she was seeing someone (an affair but she would not admit to it). When she told me she apologised to me for the pain it will cause, that was the only time she has said sorry. At that point it was an emotional, and a little physical and nearing sexual. With some reluctance she opened up her facebook conversations and emails. I found out that this was a collage friend that she never dated and barely knew during collage that she wanted to get with after she got back from her mission(mormons) but he was married by the time she got back. *Important to note- in his first facebook message back to her he pointed out he wanted an affair with her.* I asked her to cut all contact but she was unwilling because she needed him to help with a friends collage project, which as it turned out was against the class rules. I allowed it because "I loved her." If helping a friend with his project was a benign gesture it turned into a safety net to continue the affair. Which it did. It got much worse due to the continued contact. It was at this point I finally showed her that what she was doing was having an affair.
I wanted her to stop but she was entirely unwilling. I told her I was going to tell her parents if she didn't. She did and had a discussion with her. Her parents related to me that she was lost in emotions and barely reconsigned their daughter in her. I tried to contact the OM's wife through facebook but she never responded (the OM said to my wife it was because his wife didn't want to hear from me.) Nothing changed no matter what I did. I was able to convince her to give me two months of just me and no contact with him. I used that time to try to win her back but it was for nothing. I was too hurt to be charming or the man she thought the OM was. I kicked her out at that point. I gave up after she told me she was planning on having sex with him after my time was up.
I told her I would keep her actions a secret until she gave me no hope of us working things out. I then told my family which spread to her family due to my siblings are friends with her siblings. I then talked with the OM Bishop(mormons). He was sad to hear of this and wanted the facebook conversations and emails as proof I was telling the truth, which is something my wife did not want me to do because she wanted to protect the OM.
After the exposing of her betrayal she told me she choose me over him. I wanted her to write the OM telling him that but she would not. I was too badly damaged to feel anything for her and told her we needed to go to marriage counselling if she wanted to work this out. She was very against it. (She has had bad experiences in the past with them.) She finally agreed to counselling and that same week meet with the OM for the last time were they told each other they love each other and always will, will cherish the moments they spent together and committed to marrying each other "if anything bad were to happen to me."
At this point we would spend the week ends with each other to date and talk. We have gone on two vacations and plan on a third. We have been to some counselling sessions but are making slow progress. During the aftermath I had discovered I had an EA at the beginning of our marriage. It consisted of a woman I meet at work before getting married. We would small talk and flirt over texts before I was married. I continued the same behaviour after being married. She and I texted for 2-3 months after I was married. The text sessions where on the week ends or after a fight with my wife. She invited me out on three occasions to bars and once to an apartment complex. I never meet her in person outside of work or told her of anything personal. I don't remember my thought procees but I decided to stop responding to her texts one day.
I never realised I had an EA until I was reflecting on my past. I was wrong and completely selfish to have had an EA and have apologized repeatedly for it. My actions have hurt her. At the time though she used it to manipulate me.
During the past two months I have had a hard time not being angry at my wife and this has made things hard for the reconciliation.
The affair consisted of 15 or so meetings, 8 of them were dates which near the end involved heavy kissing, petting and grinding. I know this because the OM made mention of it in their conversations the following days. The meetings where usually in the evening after he got off of work, a few where on his lunch break others were driving him to work.
Description of people involved
Me and my wife: Been married for a little over 5 years and are around 30 years old. No kids. We were mormons.
Me: Work as truck driver. Home on weekends. My father had and affair when I was a child that lasted for two years complete with the neglect and insults and ended with my dad leaving. Her affair bought back all that pain I thought I was over.
Wife: Doesn't work, was trying to pursue and acting career. The affair started after my wife sent an inappropriate message to OM expressing regret about not being able to have a chance dating him after getting back from her mission. (While at collage they never dated and only only "hang out" with him on rare occasions while at collage.) It was a EA then on the second meeting turned to a PA.
OM: Same age. Has been married for 7 years has four kids ranging from 0-5 years old. Is a "faithful" temple going mormon. Has been trying to keep contact with my wife ever since he was married. Confessed to wanting to have and affair with my wife ever since he got married 7 years ago but didn't have a chance until she contacted him.
He made a list of what kind of qualities he wanted in a wife when he was in high school and my wife apparently had all of them. He said she was the perfect woman for him. *Important to note- he never made any effort before he got married to get with my wife. He said in his conversations that he loved the fact that my wife would accept "his dark side" which my wife told me was that he has always wanted to have an affair. She was the lucky one.*
Things I have learned and would change
What I wish I did when I first found out:
That I immediately outed my wife and the OM.
That I kicked my wife out that day.
Sought marriage counselling ASAP.
And when talking to my wife did so only with the understanding I am dealing with an addict.
Things I regret not doing in the past:
We have always had problems in our marriage and I wanted counselling in our first year but she was against it. I wish I went by myself.
I wish we knew what EA were and set up rules to affair proof our marriage.
I wish I never looked at porn in my teen years. I stopped for religious reasons(mormon). After getting married and being able to express those emotions again caused some strife.
This is what I mean: When I masturbated in the past I could do it whenever the sexual urge come up. My body was used to that type of rhythm. When I could express those feelings again in marriage I believe my body, mind or something wanted to return to that same rhythm. SinceI had a higher sex drive and couldn't, I got frustrated and became a jackass to my wife. You might think "why not just return to masterbating and porn again?" I promised myself I wouldn't. I consider it a form of an EA.
I wish I never sought an emotional escape from my marriage problems. My escapes were computer games, blogging websites, projects, spending time with friends and even books instead of talking to my wife about why I emotionally distance myself.
I wish I took more interest in my wife's hobbies. Mine and hers overlap but I have never taken the time to combined them.
Some Questions:
How to I move past the anger?
How to I get past the pain?
Overview of her affair
Description of people involved
Things I have learned and would change
Some questions
Overview:
About three months ago my wife confessed to me that she was seeing someone (an affair but she would not admit to it). When she told me she apologised to me for the pain it will cause, that was the only time she has said sorry. At that point it was an emotional, and a little physical and nearing sexual. With some reluctance she opened up her facebook conversations and emails. I found out that this was a collage friend that she never dated and barely knew during collage that she wanted to get with after she got back from her mission(mormons) but he was married by the time she got back. *Important to note- in his first facebook message back to her he pointed out he wanted an affair with her.* I asked her to cut all contact but she was unwilling because she needed him to help with a friends collage project, which as it turned out was against the class rules. I allowed it because "I loved her." If helping a friend with his project was a benign gesture it turned into a safety net to continue the affair. Which it did. It got much worse due to the continued contact. It was at this point I finally showed her that what she was doing was having an affair.
I wanted her to stop but she was entirely unwilling. I told her I was going to tell her parents if she didn't. She did and had a discussion with her. Her parents related to me that she was lost in emotions and barely reconsigned their daughter in her. I tried to contact the OM's wife through facebook but she never responded (the OM said to my wife it was because his wife didn't want to hear from me.) Nothing changed no matter what I did. I was able to convince her to give me two months of just me and no contact with him. I used that time to try to win her back but it was for nothing. I was too hurt to be charming or the man she thought the OM was. I kicked her out at that point. I gave up after she told me she was planning on having sex with him after my time was up.
I told her I would keep her actions a secret until she gave me no hope of us working things out. I then told my family which spread to her family due to my siblings are friends with her siblings. I then talked with the OM Bishop(mormons). He was sad to hear of this and wanted the facebook conversations and emails as proof I was telling the truth, which is something my wife did not want me to do because she wanted to protect the OM.
After the exposing of her betrayal she told me she choose me over him. I wanted her to write the OM telling him that but she would not. I was too badly damaged to feel anything for her and told her we needed to go to marriage counselling if she wanted to work this out. She was very against it. (She has had bad experiences in the past with them.) She finally agreed to counselling and that same week meet with the OM for the last time were they told each other they love each other and always will, will cherish the moments they spent together and committed to marrying each other "if anything bad were to happen to me."
At this point we would spend the week ends with each other to date and talk. We have gone on two vacations and plan on a third. We have been to some counselling sessions but are making slow progress. During the aftermath I had discovered I had an EA at the beginning of our marriage. It consisted of a woman I meet at work before getting married. We would small talk and flirt over texts before I was married. I continued the same behaviour after being married. She and I texted for 2-3 months after I was married. The text sessions where on the week ends or after a fight with my wife. She invited me out on three occasions to bars and once to an apartment complex. I never meet her in person outside of work or told her of anything personal. I don't remember my thought procees but I decided to stop responding to her texts one day.
I never realised I had an EA until I was reflecting on my past. I was wrong and completely selfish to have had an EA and have apologized repeatedly for it. My actions have hurt her. At the time though she used it to manipulate me.
During the past two months I have had a hard time not being angry at my wife and this has made things hard for the reconciliation.
The affair consisted of 15 or so meetings, 8 of them were dates which near the end involved heavy kissing, petting and grinding. I know this because the OM made mention of it in their conversations the following days. The meetings where usually in the evening after he got off of work, a few where on his lunch break others were driving him to work.
Description of people involved
Me and my wife: Been married for a little over 5 years and are around 30 years old. No kids. We were mormons.
Me: Work as truck driver. Home on weekends. My father had and affair when I was a child that lasted for two years complete with the neglect and insults and ended with my dad leaving. Her affair bought back all that pain I thought I was over.
Wife: Doesn't work, was trying to pursue and acting career. The affair started after my wife sent an inappropriate message to OM expressing regret about not being able to have a chance dating him after getting back from her mission. (While at collage they never dated and only only "hang out" with him on rare occasions while at collage.) It was a EA then on the second meeting turned to a PA.
OM: Same age. Has been married for 7 years has four kids ranging from 0-5 years old. Is a "faithful" temple going mormon. Has been trying to keep contact with my wife ever since he was married. Confessed to wanting to have and affair with my wife ever since he got married 7 years ago but didn't have a chance until she contacted him.
He made a list of what kind of qualities he wanted in a wife when he was in high school and my wife apparently had all of them. He said she was the perfect woman for him. *Important to note- he never made any effort before he got married to get with my wife. He said in his conversations that he loved the fact that my wife would accept "his dark side" which my wife told me was that he has always wanted to have an affair. She was the lucky one.*
Things I have learned and would change
What I wish I did when I first found out:
That I immediately outed my wife and the OM.
That I kicked my wife out that day.
Sought marriage counselling ASAP.
And when talking to my wife did so only with the understanding I am dealing with an addict.
Things I regret not doing in the past:
We have always had problems in our marriage and I wanted counselling in our first year but she was against it. I wish I went by myself.
I wish we knew what EA were and set up rules to affair proof our marriage.
I wish I never looked at porn in my teen years. I stopped for religious reasons(mormon). After getting married and being able to express those emotions again caused some strife.
This is what I mean: When I masturbated in the past I could do it whenever the sexual urge come up. My body was used to that type of rhythm. When I could express those feelings again in marriage I believe my body, mind or something wanted to return to that same rhythm. SinceI had a higher sex drive and couldn't, I got frustrated and became a jackass to my wife. You might think "why not just return to masterbating and porn again?" I promised myself I wouldn't. I consider it a form of an EA.
I wish I never sought an emotional escape from my marriage problems. My escapes were computer games, blogging websites, projects, spending time with friends and even books instead of talking to my wife about why I emotionally distance myself.
I wish I took more interest in my wife's hobbies. Mine and hers overlap but I have never taken the time to combined them.
Some Questions:
How to I move past the anger?
How to I get past the pain?
Put the internet to work for you.
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