Okay I'm a idiot

Hey first time poster here. I'll try to be brief: Last year I reconnected with a girl I knew in high school who was recently divorced. We began a casual relationship because obviously it was too soon for her to get serious and I was still recovering from a failed 3 year relationship. As the months rolled by we both started developing genuine feelings for each other as we discovered that we shared many interests and sentiments that went beyond the bedroom and we had a connection that allowed us to talk for hours without even kissing. Eventually she asked she wanted to start a serious relationship with me and my selfish dumb ass kind of wigged out and said no. Obviously things cooled after that and she eventually started seeing more of this other guy (who is a mutual friend) who had been lingering around her, but she wasn't feeling him and plus she still had feelings for me. Other guy had no idea we were involved, but he said he wanted to be more than friend with her. After weeks of him pestering her and always being... there... she finally started dating him. By the way, she relaying all this to me as she struggled to sort her feelings out with this guy. Yes, I know...she was giving me some major hints that I just didn't see. I tried being the "good friend" by not wanting to influence her personal life since we weren't "official" and I was still being a pussy about the commitment thing. Eventually she started dating him and when I found out I was pretty damn bummed. I went out with a friend to take my mind off of her and of COURSE they are at the same damn bar. It was kind of awkward talking this this guy about how happy he is that he is with her and how she would never take advantage of him like the other and blah blah. Later that night, I get a facebook message from her asking how I was and that's when i just poured my freaking heart out to her. Telling her I made a huge mistake, i loved her, I wanted her and everything else. To my surprised she reciprocated! She said she only dated other guy because she honestly thought I wasn't ready. I was definitely ready, but too fucking scared to admit it. Now I'm admitting it freely and openly and she is doing the same! Eventually she stops seeing other guy which devastates him and hurt her and we began starting a future together. She laid it down that she wanted a long term relationship that involved her kids (of course) and I agreed to all of it. I just said you might need to wait awhile for me to get stabilized financially to make that happen. THAT'S where I fucked up. Thanks to my poor ass communication skills she felt that I still wasn't ready, but in my HEAD I meant to say that she would have to wait while we were still together. So in her mind we were back to fuck-buddy mode while she tried to re-open relations with other guy who was still in the background. To me, we were in a committed relationship. She did talk about other guy and her concern over his anger, but my dumb ass thought she was just trying to reconcile with him as friends. I thought everything was hunky dory as we continued being intimate, I did the mushy bf things and even hung out with her and her kids (who loved me btw, more than other guy). Again she was dropping all sorts of "last chance" hints at me until she finally told me that she was going to give other guy an earnest try. I was devastated! I did not see that coming! After being pissed off for a few days I calmed down enough enough to discuss things with her and some friends (separately) and that's when I had my wake up call. I was so fucking clueless. I had basically driven this woman into the arms of other guy... a guy I might add is almost forty and sleeping on a mattress at a friend's house at the time. So my natural instinct was to be all alpha male and try to win her back with this new found knowledge, but instead I decided to go with the ol' "if you love them you'll let them go". Plus she said she didn't want me to do the former. I think this split up is especially hard to get over because at least if we were officially dating and we broke up for more concrete reasons, it would be easier to accept, but in this case, thanks to my stupidity, our relationship never had a chance to even start so now those "what ifs" and "if only" thoughts are extra strong.

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