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Husband has a double life

My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We met in church. He sang and played guitar on the worship team. The church we went to studied Hebrew roots. We do Torah studies together and meet on Shabbat with other families. We learn Hebrew together and love to discuss the Word of God. But one thing that I did not know when we got married is that he has an addiction problem. To crack cocaine. As far as I know, he didn't use on a daily basis but would be overcome by the desire to do drugs about every six months, then became every 2 months. We fought and fought over this. I told the pastor. The pastor didn't really help. I have separated. I have moved all my stuff into a separate bedroom. We have a child together so it makes it very hard. I have been to Al-anon meetings. He won't seek help. But once he has fill, then wants to get all back into the Word and act like nothing has even happened. It really makes me sick. He drinks, he smokes, and now his drug of choice is meth. He watches porn and found that he has signed up to chat and meet other women. I couldn't say if he has ever met anyone. It appears that right before, he commits anything, I happen to find out immediately. I don't snoop and I am not constantly worried about infidelity. I just don't have time to worry with things like that. He won't go to counseling.

So what I have done for the first time, is that I told his sister of his struggles and I also told one of our friends that we will not be hosting a Sukkot party at our house because of our marital problems. He is very very very angry with me, because I let people outside of our marriage know that we are struggling. I told him that I will not engage in Yom Kippur service with him because he took off and did meth 4 days ago. Feel like his behavior is very hypocritical.

I feel like I live with 2 different personalities. It is so confusing. But it is so far apart. I am a yo yo in emotions and I am afraid I cannot ride this ride any longer.




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