Just about ready to give up....

My wife maybe soon to be ex wife has been through a lot. I cheated on her with one of my co workers almost 8months ago. Our marriage was falling apart and at its low point. We stopped talking to each other and when I tried to talk to her or wanted her to listen to me, she always ignored me or tuned me down. Our sex life was dull and we haven't had sex in a year. She had two miscarriages and things at work was hectic. Long story short I told my wife about the affair because I felt guilty and couldn't stand to look at her. I went to counseling and she suggested I tell my wife. When I did it broke my heart. The look on her face said it all. She told me she hated me she never wants to see me again..Then she said that she had an affair too and our youngest child might not be mine. She stormed out and told me she hopes I die and rot in hell. She filed divorce papers and promised me I would never see our children again. Currently we are living in differe nt homes. However I am still trying to work on our marriage. I gave her all of my passwords to all of my accounts. She has my bank statements calls and visits my job at random times. A few months ago we had sex. I thought she forgave me but it made it worse. After we were done she started crying,cussed me out, and told me she couldn't stand to look at me. She yelled at me to leave so I did. It made me feel horrible. She still wants to have sex but I refused and told her no. Then she accused me of cheating on her again and starts crying. I tried to console her but she tells me to leave and go away. She said some hateful things to me but it always makes me upset when she always brings up the affair. Currently we share custody of the kids but she always tries to use our kids to her advantage. She tells them daddy is a bad man and hurts mommy. She keeps telling hem daddy is a cheater and can't be trusted. When We have disagreements she always brings up the affair. It's like she is holding it over my head and uses it to her advantage. When she does that I feel bad and do whatever she wants me to do right away. Both of us are in counseling. However my wife only goes every once in a while. she said I'm the one with the problem nit her. But if my wife doesn't want to work on our marriage and keeps using guilt to get me to do the things she wants me to do, then maybe I will sign the divorce papers. I love my wife with all my heart. She gave me beautiful children, a nice home, and we have been together since college. We created a life together. We were each others first. I love her and my children. But if she wants out then maybe I should just let go. I'm confused on what to do. Can anyone please give me some advice? I usually don't talk about this kind of stuff with strangers but I will listen to any suggestions or advice you may have. I thought by now she would forgive me and move past this.

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