Is this really my life?

I've recently found this forum and wanted to post my story, both for input/advice and just to get it off my chest. My wife and I have been married almost 10 years, and we've had a somewhat rocky marriage. Mostly from me- lying to her, lack of communication, issues with porn, etc. I definitely have not been the best husband. We have 3 kids, all under 10. We've done MC a few times, starting in our first year, and most recently about 3 years ago. She's been unhappy and has talked about divorce for several years. Beginning of July, she told me she was finished- she knew she was done because she didn't care anymore. She wanted to separate, but stay in different rooms in our home and take the separation slow to make things easier for the kids and give her a chance to find a job. She's been a stay at home mom for almost our entire marriage. Middle of July, she met another man who lives out of state, but was in our area visiting. I knew she met him, because she told me that he was flirting with her. This made me jealous, and I checked her phone about 2 weeks later and found they were sexting each other. I confronted her, and she told me that she had done that to get back at me, because she knew that I was snooping, and not for the first time, and since I was looking to find something, she would give me something to find. I was devastated- even though she already told me we were done, I felt like was I losing my mind. I started seeing a shrink to help me work through my issues and taking an anti-depressant. I've been struggling with depression for a couple of years, but had not faced it until all this happened. She wanted to go on a week long vacation in the middle of August, and I (naively) believed her. She told me she was going to ____ with one of her girlfriends, and instead went to ____ by herself to see the OM. I found out she was lying about where she was on the last day of 'vacation', and confronted her when she got home. She, of course, denied having sex with him, and I did not believe her. I got into her cell phone again a few days later, and found messages between the two of them explicitly texting each other about what was going to happen while she was there, and also messages from when they were together detailing their sex. I found way too much information- enough to make my brain go crazy. She noticed that her phone was missing, and found me with it, busy getting stuff off her cell. She was pissed that I invaded her privacy again, and I think she was mad that her lies were exposed. Huge blowout fight ensued. I flew off the handle. I don't exactly recall everything, but I guess that I grabbed her arms when we were arguing. She told me that if I didn't give her the proof back, that she would call the police since she was concerned out my mental state (I have been on an emotional roller coaster) and also her cell phone screen was broken in the altercation. I left. She called the cops, they see marks on her arm, and to shorten a long story, I now have charges against me. She told the cops that she didn't want to press charges, but the state is pressing them. Conditions of my bond- I cannot contact my wife, which means for about the past two weeks I've been forced out of my house, and my trial date is several months away. My wife told me that she does not want me back in the house, because now she can start the year separation period so she can divorce me. I feel such a wide range of emotions- hurt, pissed off, sad, missing her, lonely, guilty for my role in messing up our marriage. This has been the worst time of my life.

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