Cheating wife, trouble coping

In an effort to not make this whole situation identifiable, I'll leave out some specifics to my story but try not to leave out any important details in the process. late 30s, married for well over a decade, with two kids. Our marriage hasn't been easy, and has been in a decline for years. Recently (about a month ago), she came clean about an affair that has been going on for roughly half of our marriage. I'm told that it's only been an emotional affair, but honestly at this point I'm having trouble trusting anything I'm told, but I'll stick with what I know to be the truth. Her telling me coincided with some severe disruption in the other guy's life (wife left him, job problems etc...), whether that caused them to break it off and she came clean, or whether it's just a coincidence, I don't know. I only know any of this because that's what she's told me. We've been going to counseling for the past 6 months or so, and we had done so 2-3 years back as well, and I've now learned that this affair was ongoing through both attempts. So there's the background. Now, I'm trying to come to terms with this, and in the process, my wife has shown virtually zero remorse. In fact, in her words, she doesn't feel any guilt. What's worse, she's insisting that it is partially my fault. I'm more than willing to admit that the marriage problems are in part mine, but I refuse to accept any responsibility for the affair. In addition, while Im trying to get my head wrapped around all of this, and we're still going to counseling, I'm having it thrown at me that I'm "stuck" on the affair and not trying to work on our marriage. I guess I don't know how to get past the affair and work on the marriage when the person I'd be working on it with can't accept ownership of her actions and can't bring herself to show remorse. And it's not from lack of trying. I've made it VERY clear that I'm hurt by this, and that I need her to feel something, anything. I'm kind of at my wit's end here. I don't want my kids stuck in the middle of anything, and I don't want to disrupt their lives any more than I have to, but I don't know how I can reconcile with someone who is openly putting blame on my shoulders for them cheating on me. I've tried to talk to her about how hurt I am, and I just get "I'm hurting too". I've listened to her talk about how hard it is not talking to the other guy, but I get told I'm not getting past it when I talk about how hurt I am. I can only assume (I know, ass, u, me) that she knows I'm right, knows it's not my fault, knows she should be remorseful, or sorry, or something, but is clinging onto innocence to make herself feel better. I just have no idea how long, if ever, it'll take for her to get a grip on the reality of the situation. I'm not even sure I'm looking for advice, just looking to vent a little.

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