truth is out: Now how to cope

Married 17 years have 6 kids. Sex has always been a big issue for me. My husband never wanted it for a million reasons: fear of pregnancy, too tired, headaches, stress from work, stress from unemployment....you name it. He even had a vasectomy claiming that would help....its even worse now. He says maybe he has low testosterone but Im not buying it because he masturbates frequently. Recently we attempted sex together but stopped, without a word, because neither of us felt right and it was so awkward. Oh, how lonely that felt. Quietly we just rolled to our respective sides of the bed. He fell asleep immediately. I left the room, paced the halls, and cried. The next morning, I told him it had to stop and he needed to get honest with me. He admitted that he loves me, but he is less attracted to me now because I only got bigger after each of my kids and never recovered (truly I am 250lbs). He coupled that with saying he has been very turned off over the years as I have verbalized how much I hate myself/my appearance which has made him believe it, too. He is no saint in this....its a VERY complicated catch 22. However, this doesnt change what I did/how I acted. So now here I am, knowing we have lived silently for years, like a good brother and sister do....or maybe even best friends...all because of me and my self perceptions. MY QUESTION: How do I cope living with him in the same house feeling the utter rejection of being unattractive. I dont know how to recover from this humiliation. Of course Ive always known I could do better for myself...but there never seemed to be time. My husband just works works works and raising 6 kids by myself (or even one or two kids) is exhausting most days. Even during times where he had long layoffs he found reasons for avoidance. I should have tried harder, I know....but his lack of presence in our lives gave me latitude to put it on the backburner...why get cleaned up and go throught the effort when he always has an excuse for why there is no time? This is the part that makes me seethe..... My heart is constantly in my throat. I can avoid him for a time as he works over 70 hours a week and is rarely around much....but the pain....its staggering. We dont talk much. I have made an appointment with someone for myself to deal with moving forward but I have to wait until Monday. The thought of having to be present here with him (especially with the holiday weekend coming up and he will have a miraculous 4 days....NEVER happens) makes my stomach turn. I feel ashamed, ugly, and angry all at once. Even in the BEST of cases...with behavioral therapy, intense and painful self reflection and a serious workout regimen....IM looking at 6 months before any noticeable differences...... And that is 6 months full of days where I have to go to bed telling myself Im one step closer to making my husband love me again. Just typing that seems sick and breaks my heart. Does he, in turn, have to "face" 6 months full of days where he has to go to bed telling himself his gross wife is one step closer to being more acceptable? I am so sad. I just keep crying and am not very functional for the kids, but must keep silent for I would never want them to know. How do I cope? How do I hold my head up and change these feelings of worthlessness that he states have contributed to his lack of intimacy with me....when his perception of me contributes greatly to those very same feelings?? I should mention, as it seems relevant, that last year he had to leave the state for work. He was gone about 3 months. As time went on he failed to contact me much at all, usally texting me a "how was your day"...However, I was successful in my weight loss efforts and managed to drop about 28 pounds. When he came home it became very difficult for me to maintain my self control. I think Im lonlier when he's around. Im so lost. Any advice/thoughts?

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