Feeling hopeless and tired...long post sry

Hello. I'm here because I need to vent and get this off my chest. I'm tired of being sad, tired of spending my days at work crying, physically and emotionally exhausted from life, and confused. My husband and I have been married for two years. We are young, I am 26 and he is 25. We married quickly and were head over heels for each other from the beginning. I feel like I have been tricked into marrying someone who really was someone else. At first my husband seemed like a dream come true. I was a single mother for five years before him. I didn't date, focused on my children, work, and school. I was content being single and really enjoyed my life. I bought a home on my own before we were married, owned my own car, had insurance, and supported my girls and me (now 6 & 3) just fine. My husband pursued me; we had known each other from school. He was amazing and accepting to my girls, swept me off my feet, and was loving and fun. He was also very motivated in his work and close to his family, two things that are very important to me. I had never met anyone like him. I had never been treated so nicely. After we married, we decided we wanted a baby. I become pregnant and we were very happy. Things started to turn bad a few months into my pregnancy. I am trying to make this as short as possible, but want to include all important details. To sum it up, during my pregnancy he was excited, but not supportive. I left my job after we married and was a stay at home mom. I took care of everything and always got compliments from family and friends on how nice I kept house and took care of the kids. My husband would stay out with his Uncle and ignore my phone calls. He started to sleep in the basement and pretty much became my roommate. Fast forward, he ended up opening his own company and leaving his Uncle's because "he didn't want it to ruin his marriage", as it had been. I was very encouraging to my husband about opening his own business and supported the choice. I thought things were getting better, but little did I know they were only going to get worse. After I had my son, my husband wanted to take a trip to North Carolina to see his "business partner", who is a friend. This was just over a month after I had our son. I had postpartum depression and was having a rough time. (It didn't help that since he was still sleeping in the basement, I became suspious and check his emails…finding that he had posted and responded to several ads on Craigslist. I confronted him about his and he said nothing ever happened and it just turned him on to read and post…he cried blah, blah, blah. Since then, my trust has been broken and remains so to this day. This all started a few months after we were married and while I was pregnant!!!) I asked my husband to post pone the trip until things had settled down, he stated that he needed a break and deserved it. I was left at home with an infant and two other small children for over a week. It was rough. My husband barely made contact with me during that time. I know for a fact that he was at the "business partners" house and that it was not an affair situation. At least I hope not… When he returned home two days before my birthday he was tired and hardly spoke to me. He gave me an iPad…something he had been wanting, not me…and went to sleep. On my birthday I woke up to my laptop being open and a nasty msg on the screen because a friend, male, made IMed me and we were just talking…he read the whole conversation and it was harmless, just speaking about life, even about my husband and baby and all in a positive way. We began to argue and I said how dare you get mad after what you've done…I was still feelings VERY hurt by the discovery of the Craigslist and not trusting him because of it…long story short our fight lead to him moving out, taking the baby, leasing an apartment and leaving me with no warning. He said he wanted to "date" me and that I couldn't handle all the kids…this hurt me so bad…I spend the next six months figuring out lies, such as the terms of the lease…said it was month to month, but found out it was six months…it was such a painful time to me. I felt so betrayed. I had post-partum and having him take my son for no reason really pushed me into depression. I am not perfect, but have NEVER cheated, lied, or done anything to really get upset about. I am a good mom and wife. I considered a divorce, but really wanted to work through it. He ended up moving back in in November of 2012. Things were good for a while, but during the separation my husband ruined his business by making very poor financial desciuons (sometimes I wonder if that was the only reason he came back…) I got a great job in the medical field while we were separated because I didn't want to depend on him and didn't know what was going to happen. He decided to try and work on the business and stay at home with the two youngest. Here are a few things that really bother me, sorry for this being so long, I am just so tired of feeling mistreated and regretting being married in the first place. My husband is verbally abusive to me and sometimes I feel like my daughters too. He plays mind games, lies and lies about major things and trivial things, is financially irresponsible (let all the bills go from his apartment including the lease, when people call to collect the money he just argues with them and states he won't pay…what???) For example, he has been holding the cable boxes hostage from the cable company since he didn't pay the bill for them. Every time they come to get them, he makes and excuse or tells them that they never tell him they're coming, so he's not letting them in…JUST GIVE THEM THEIR STUFF, YOU DIDN'T PAY THEM!!! I saw in an e-mail that he lied to his cousin telling her he didn't know if he could come to her baby shower because he has been traveling a lot for business, told a supplier for parts for his company that he's sorry he hasn't called them, he just got out of rehab for alcohol abuse (he did enter NA, but that's a whole different story). When we fight he will fly off into rages, screaming and cursing me, leaving to stay at his parents for days. Since he is the one watching the kids while I work, it leaves me stuck not knowing what to do with the kids so I can get to work. I am the only person supporting us financially since he has done nothing to really get his business back on track. He has created so much debt. Recently, I noticed that a PayPal account he has been using in my maiden name is negative for $1200 dollars. I have worked so hard to fix my credit and now it's going to be destroyed because of things I did not do. He won't help around the house. I do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, bathing the children, looking after them when I'm home and waking up early on the weekends while he sleeps in. He won't even take care of our vehicles or lawn. I literally have to wait and hope for him to do it, and then take care of it myself because it gets to the point where the grass is around my ankles and the children cannot play in the yard because he won't cut it or pick up the dog poop from his dog. Two days ago his Father came over and told him he needs to take care of it and he claimed the mower was broken. His Father called his bluff and told him to start it in front of him…it worked. Did my husband mow the lawn? No? Dog poop? No? One vehicle has been broken since May and the other the brakes are so bad it grinds and is really unsafe. This morning I could not sleep…too stressed…we have six dollars to last until next Friday and I don't know what we're going to do. I woke up to spend the last of my money on milk for our son and while driving the rubber on by the windshield came off when I tried to turn the wipers on since it was raining. When I came home, my husband walked out of the room. The whole drive home I dreaded telling him because I knew the response I would get. I'm always afraid and panicked because he makes me feel so stupid for needing help. He was mad and said "Do I really have to fix it NOW?" I told him I needed to leave for work soon and it was raining and that I didn't feel safe driving without wipers. He said "Oh and you feel safe driving it with the brakes like that" I told him not really, but what could I do? I needed to get to work. He started screaming that this all is going to fall on him and now he has to fix it…sorry I don't know how to change brake pads, and since we're barely scarping by on my paycheck, I can't afford to take it in. I'm so tired of not having a partner to depend on. It's like he's become a monster. He won't even take care of his own dog. There are puddles of dog pee in the basements and they have been there for weeks, he refuses to clean them up. It makes me sick. Yesterday, he locked my phone for six hours and thought it was funny. I feel like I'm dealing with someone who has a mental problem. I just want out, but I can't bring myself to do it…I don't want the kids to be hurt by it; however I know this situation is hurting them now. I just am so tired. I have barely eaten because we have no groceries and I don't know how I will even make it home from work since the van is out of gas. I just cry these days and pray that something will change. I am a good person. I'm in shape, smart, loving, and I feel like I've given all that I can give. I have no more left. I feel like I'm too young to be this unhappy. I'm sick of my children seeing us fight and him act this way. I'm sorry for the long post, but this morning really did me in again….thanks for listening. (I know my husband is depressed, but he refuses to get help…which makes things worse).

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