The 180 - Lessons Learned - Guidance Appreciated

Long Time Lurker - First Time Poster - I'm looking for guidance and some tough leadership from the veterans. I'd like to share my situation, my early grasp of the 180 (and how I failed just like you vets said could happen), but also the good things that I accomplished. I'm going to crank this in bullet points to remain objective and make it easier to digest. WARNING: I'm posting to an Infidelity forum regarding a marriage that started with Infidelity (the irony / karma is not lost on me). I'm also "No Prize" : Years of alcohol, victim status, and general poor behavior on my part contributed to the demise of my marriage; there is no amount of "coals on my head" that I have not done to myself already. - Marriage - * 16 Years Together - 14 Years Married * She was Married and 24 years old when we met (I'm 5y older) * We worked together / I knew her husband * I was single but in a 5 year live-in relationship * Infidelity in Vegas during a Trade Show is how we started * We returned home (Oregon) and quickly planned mutual exits * She moved out. I moved out. Her divorce was swift * I proposed and we relocated to New Zealand for work * Married in NZ and had our first and only child * Moved back to the states (Boston) 8 years ago * July 2012 - She starts an affair * Nov 2012 - I discover affair * I was gaslighted into believing it was Emotional Only * Radar engaged, I hacked into her technology and found truth * Jan 2013 - She confesses physical affair and plans exit * I pull a stunt and propose an Open Marriage * She continues with OM. I begin to Date (my heart not in it) * We enter intensive IC and MC * Last erotic union (sex) was in Sept 2012 * May 2013 - I'm told she cannot be romantic / intimate w/ me * Jun-July 2013 - We begin discussions of separation / assets, etc * Things are Civil; we are best of friends w/ broken hearts - Her Background - * Daughter of Diagnosed Mother with Borderline Personality * Issues with not setting proper boundaries with others * Would rather give up her needs than disappoint others (me) * Was unhappy for 2 years previous - Never really raised a Flag - My Background - * Son of an alcoholic and closeted homosexual * Discovered Dad in bed with another man @ age 11 * Never told anyone until his death (19 years later) * Control Issues; Codependency; Enmeshment; you name it * Unnamed fear / Victim Status / Self-Medication (reason below) - The Wake Up Call - * Nightmares and Ocular Hallucinations started after discovery * Diagnosed with PTSD * Affair was a trigger for repressed memories of child abuse * Prescribed mountains of pills - Flushed them down toilet * Self-Medication (alcohol) stopped immediately * Unnamed reason for victimhood revealed - Recovery now - The 180 : #Fail - * Despite reading / re-reading the 180, I was pathetic * I begged and pleaded for her to come back * I tried to compete with OM - Proving I was less valuable * I allowed myself to be an option or a convenience * I became a paycheck and safety net enabling her decision * I placed all emphasis on the marriage and reconciliation * I tried to control her framework of reconciliation and atonement * I made everything heavy * I was so very jealous * I spied and obsessed and hacked * I lied to her and told 1/2 truths * I played games to get her attention * I was passive / aggressive * I did not let her go * I gave her space, but filled every non-OM moment I could find * I didn't "man-up" and take control of my household * I made concessions proving I lacked boundaries * I was inconsistent as the tension between letting go and obsession caused turbulence every day * I attempted to change her feelings with arguments and logic * I tried to change her mind about how she "felt" about OM * I threw away any intrinsic value I had of myself * In short, I did everything possible to make myself unattractive - The 180 : #Success - * But I did do somethings right * I recognized my insatiable desire to self-medicate for what it was * I came to terms with child abuse and sexual trauma * I understood and pushed thru (am pushing thru) an associated fear of intimacy / detachment * I found presence in erotic union with others; bucked disassociation issues stemming from childhood sexual trauma * I confronted my mother on her role (or lack thereof) in protecting me as a child * I found hatred for my father * I found forgiveness for my father * I quit drinking * I focused on me * I fell "head-over-heals" for my son * I recognized that work doesn't define me * I re-found key passions from my youth * I lost over a 110lbs * I've gotten in the best shape of my life * I've come to understand the levels of toxicity that have existed for at least 5 years * I've made new friends * I've gotten off the couch * I've dropped the negativity and constant nay-saying associated with fear * I've recognized the role of Fear in my life as a self-made construct * I realize that my wife is human and flawed and beautiful therein * I understand the pain and humiliation I put her thru * I understand the true depths of loneliness she had * I recognize and accept how sick I was * I realize now that it's not ALL my fault * I have started to lead with my heart rather than my head - Next Steps - * The 180 is not for the timid and requires great discipline * The lessons are great, but assume you are strong enough * Silver lining is that I'm not the first to hear "I told you so..." * Net : I've offered a new life with her. It's on the table * However, I'm strong enough now to know I will survive divorce * We are working towards getting her out of the home * I'm considering buying her out of the house * We continue IC but have halted MC * We are working with a Divorce Financial CPA (recommended) * She is not budging from her position. She's all set .... * She's in love with the OM and I would argue a Fog of Addiction * We have yet to tell our son (10yr) until we have things lined up Thanks for reading this far. I can answer any questions folks may have as there are nuances and details missing. Questions on Open Marriages or PTSD or Addiction (substance or people) or Sexual Disassociation disorders are also welcome. I still wake each morning alone asking what the going rate of pain will be today ..... Yes, I know how dramatic that sounds, but the point remains that I love my wife and my family unit and would PREFER (not need) to keep us together .... Here's my ASK : I need help in LETTING HER GO... Cheers - - (ps - Geworfenheit is a German philosophical term meaning roughly to be "cast" of "thrown" ... this meaning is not lost on me)

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