Separate, but not equal

I am reaching out for advice on how to cope with separating, and possibly even divorcing, from my wife. We have been together for 12 years and married for 3 of that. I have spent my entire adult life with this person and I am having a very hard time accepting the reality of the situation I am in. Throughout our relationship, I have had violent outbursts brought on by being angered in the course of argument. I don't behave this way with any other person. The outbursts result in broken household objects, holes in walls and what can be considered as assaultive behavior or physical abuse. To better describe the abuse, it consists of grabbing her when she tries to walk away, shoving, yelling, threatening of self harm. I haven't ever beaten her, but I have physically and psychologically harmed her with the behavior described above. Each time I do something like that, she forgives me and I promise to never do that again. I believe what I say and she believes it, too. The time before last, she told me she would leave if it ever happened again. I was more than willing to accept that because I wanted to put the incident behind us, thinking I had learned from this and would be more mindful of my actions from there on. This wasn't the case. We have had a very rough past two years with a lot of changes in our lives. Degrees obtained, career changes, loss of pregnancy, loss of family, having a child. It has all been very stressful for both of us and as a result our relationship has been strained. We argue a lot now, and in the course of argument she will say something I take as very hurtful or mean and I act out. She has admitted to being overly cruel in the course of argument and I have admitted that that is a trigger for my violent outbursts. I know it isn't her fault. She doesn't MAKE me do this. She should be able to say whatever she feels like she needs to say without me becoming violent. I have never wanted to admit to myself or anyone else that I have this pattern of behavior. Until recently, I have deluded myself into viewing every incident as a one time thing to never be repeated. I'm just now stringing them together and seeing that I have a serious problem. At this point, my wife and I are living separately and she desires no contact from me unless it regards our 10 month old daughter. She wants me completely removed from her psyche while she decides how to proceed with her life, which I understand. I have been accused of doing what I want and being controlling. I'm trying to see that as the truth from her perspective and not let it upset me like those accusations used to. My natural response to conflict is immediate resolution, which has worked only temporarily. I am trying my best to give her a wide berth in the hopes that I can salvage anything that is left of our marriage, but I don't know how to do it. I want to be able to communicate with her and let her know I am getting the help I've needed for a long time, that I am now facing that which I have denied and that I will do whatever it takes. I want to raise our child under the same roof in a happy and successful marriage. I realize that may not be possible now and I am seeking advice from anyone else who has had similar experiences. I need some advice from anyone who has had similar experiences on how I can remain separated from her and how I can back myself down from my impulse to inject myself into her thoughts, even if my intentions are good. I'm trying not to be afraid of judgment for my shameful behavior because that is what has kept me from addressing this for so long.

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