Getting Sex back after EA

Hello everyone! I have a bit of a long story but I will try to condense it as much as possible. So, I have been married to my wife for 4 years now and been together 6 and we have a 2 year old. We always had a pretty good sex life and really good relationship and really still do have a good relationship except our sex life has fallen off. When we were dating and first got married we were so happy and we would just hang out lay on the couch together watching movies and have sex it was great. Both of us couldn't wait to be parents and after we got married we started working on that. So about 2 months after wedding we found out we were pregnant. Both of us were super excited and just couldn't contain it. About 2 weeks or so after finding out we were pregnant my wife started having sharp pains in her side. She couldn't tell but she just knew something was wrong and we decided to go to the ER. The doctors had discovered she had an ectopic pregnancy and we would have to have surgery to remove the embryo because it could kill both the baby and her. It was very devastating news but it got worse when the surgeon came out and told me that we would also not be able to have children naturally because of a condition my wife has with her tubes. My heart dropped because I was excited for children but also I had to go to the room to tell my wife and I knew she would be heart broken as well. After we got back it was a very dark time in our relationship. My wife was sad and angry. We knew we had the option of IVF but it was expensive and we were newly weds with not a lot of money. It started causing a lot of arguing when my wife was wanting to go to the ivf doctor and start the procedure and I would say we can't afford it right now. ( We had just bought a house and at that time there was a tax credit we could use in the spring for it so we were talking 6 months) So as I said I didn't want to wait but we had to it caused a lot of conflict. She would tell me we should end this and she would go find someone who could afford to do that and I could find someone who can have children. Looking back now I know she didn't mean it and she was just hurt but at the time I felt like it could happen. So as this kept going on for a while I started talking to 2 women online. One of them I knew the other I didn't It started out with them both innocent enough just chit chat and such but with the one I knew it escalated to talking about sexual things and such. The other woman I would talk to and she sent me a picture (not a sexually revealing one but just a picture of herself) but we never discussed things like sex or anything. During this time my wife had got her parents to loan us money by taking out a home equity loan and we would pay it all back when we got our tax return. Things were getting better at home but I would still talk to the woman I had previously known (BTW I have never had relations with this woman but knew her she dated a friend) because she would tell me how she wanted me and it just made me feel good. I knew it was wrong because I was obviously hiding it from my wife and knew she would be crushed if she found out. The woman then said we should meet up because she knew I wanted to and she wanted to and we just needed to do this to get it out of our systems. When she said this I stopped, and I told her there was no way I was going to do that because I am married and I couldn't do that. After that the sexual talking stopped but I did continue to talk to her some but not as much. Things also were improving a lot at home because we had started IVF and there was hope for a child. We found out we were pregnant at the end of January and things were good. That is when, for some reason I left my email open and my wife found the pic the one woman had sent me. She then questioned me and I tried to find ways out of it to get out of the situation but she knew there was more. My wife was absolutely crushed by this and at the time I tried to play it off like it wasn't a big deal. I was my own worst enemy for a long time I wouldn't give her all the truth, I would lie and she could tell I was lying. More than once she had moved out and said it is over. All of this was going on during a time that should have been our happiest but sometimes it was our worst. I had an emotional affair at a time my wife needed me the most. Regardless of what she said to me I should never have done any of that and should have been there for her. Now we got past it all. Many times I didn't think we would actually do it and I don't know if we were actually in the clear until about a year or so after she had found out. We have had rocky patches since but everything has gotten better with time except our sex life. It has been no where near the level it was before that. Not that we had sex all the time but a few times a week. I guess I look at it as before that all happened I never thought about sex because it wasn't an issue and it wasn't really during her pregnancy, probably because of hormones, but it hasn't come back. It has been driving me crazy, I feel like I don't act the same as I used to. I find myself being more needy and trying so hard to get her in the mood. I am probably even trying too hard and it is causing fights as well. I find myself getting defensive if she says any kind of criticism to me and I find myself thinking about only when is the next time we are going to have sex. It's not right and I don't want to be that way. Maybe I don't deserve to be upset because this was all my doing in the first place.But I have been trying to figure it all out for last couple years. Was it because of EA? Was it because we have a child now? Was it because we have busy schedules? Well just recently she said maybe it has something to do with when you had your EA because that is when it went down hill. My wife is a great person and I truly do love her more than anything. She is a great mother and I absolutely love spending time with her. It takes a pretty special person to forgive someone and move on after that and she is one of a kind and I am very lucky to be able to call her my wife. The only problem we have now is really our sex life and it is kind of big because it spills over into other parts of our relationship. So my question to everyone is, is there a way I can help get my wife completely passed the EA I had so we can get our relationship back to where it was? Or do I pay for my mistakes for the rest of our lives? I appreciate any help and again apologize for this long winded post. I just felt I needed to get all the details out for people to be able to answer.

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