Sick at heart

I left again after h became verbally abuse again. He agreed not to lend our son his credit card and of course he did. When I objected he started the usual 'the priest said you are hard and inflexible' speech. Then he ran and told our son about the credit card. Knowing that our son who is 21 has a terrible temper. Son cussed me out and H stood by watching. I cannot take the pressure anymore so I took my 13 yo dd to my parents house. Son and H tried to come in to my parents house and take my daughter. She only lasted a day here as my parents have no wifi and being kid she wanted to go home. So H has our house, our kids and I am marooned at my parents house. When I came here to my parents my h and son tried to storm in the house to take our dd. My dad who is dying of bone cancer had to tell them to get off the property. Then my son called screaming at me that I have ruined his relationship with his grandparents and calling me crazy lady. Son said he is not going to go back to 3rd year of college becaue of me. My family dr said h is abusive and not to return. Son and his live in gf are so rude to me, the house is so poisonous. But all I do is cry and want to die. After h's affair I had him kicked out for 6 weeks and let him back. NOW he is the good guy and I am the mom who left. Again. The pain is too great. H is texting me constantly for me to come home. Saying he loves me and will do anything to work it out. My MD, and the abused women's shelter said not to go back. but part of me loves him and can't live without the security. I failed when I left last time, I lost 40 lbs and went into depression. But we only get along when I agree with him, otherwise the blame and shame starts. I know people are sick of my whining. I have a chance to buy a condo in our neighbourhood, but when I left last year due to his verbal abuse I only lasted 5 months and came crawling home, in a weaker position than when I left. God I hate how weak I am. I let him take everything from me, my home, my kids, my job (I am too depressed to work), my family...he alienated them from me years and years ago. I'm so afraid to be alone, I have to decide whether to buy the condo by the end of the week.

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