Almost went there, again.. Quite long paragraphs

I am so confused right now. I posted about this guy I worked with like a couple times, (Lets call him S) and the background is that I liked him (but didn't tell him). Our relationship is 'flirty banter' and that's what I liked, and after about 5 months we kissed. Then a while after he admitted he was engaged. I basically freaked out and he (being considerably older than me) done the mature thing.... and avoided me like the plague. But I liked talking to him still, and he was one of the few people at work who I had a genuine laugh with. So, I caught him on a break and said what we did was wrong, but I don't want to lose him as a friend. He basically apologised for being so distant, and he said he got scared about it. So, it was sorted, but we were still FAR FROM NORMAL. He would just say hi and bye. This was about 9-10 weeks ago. And since then, I've been trying to recover. I had to force myself to stop thinking about him. Time was a great healer. Pretty soon, I only thought about him every once in a while (which was better than before). But yesterday, something changed. His mate, I'll call him H (who he is seriously close to) works on my dept, and was off for 7 weeks. As soon as he came back, S would come on our floor and have a chat with him, but was still distant with me until yesterday. H was on his lunch and S came upto me and we just Talked like we did when I first met him, it was so fun. The flirty banter like before, but it was all lighthearted. The thing is, S would rarely (but not never) show any flirtyness around his mate H. But as we were closing up, right in front of everyone, he massaged my neck, like full on. and was playfighting with me whilst talking to H. This is what I wanted, to be comfortable like this. S even offered to help me and H clean up after the shop closed (even though he was supposed to finish 2.5 hours earlier). Us three having a laugh was awesome, I must admit, and I never wanted this to change. But S told me to help him take something to a stock room, and after being a bit hesitant, we both looked at each other. We hugged. I liked hugging him. Then, he kind of got a bit handsy, and I said to stop, that we can't do this. I said to him that we've finally got normal and he's stopped ignoring me, and I don't want to go back to square one. My hands were on his face, and we were embracing, but I was desperately trying to pull away. Like H was right outside. I then let go and went back outside, and we were normal when we carried on cleaning up. After I texted him that he confused the s*** out of me, and he said we shouldn't have done that. I said, I know, and I did already say that at the time. He apologised. Sorry for it being so long. But I was so happy before, and I came home yesterday and didn't talk to anyone. I feel like the girl I was 10 weeks ago, being really upset, and I can't stop thinking about him.

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