Wife Cheated Another Story..

First off I want to thank you all for your contributions, no matter painful or supportive.. I've been reading as a guest here, but thought I would share the recent situation and current resolution, as it may be, and perhaps hope that some, maybe even one person may find help in it. Back story. My wife and I married in 2009, she is about 15 years younger than me and was pretty inexperienced when we met, although inexperienced she is a deep thinker and very mature for her age. I, on the other hand have been around the block a bit, lived on several different continents and have learnt through being 'thrown in at the deep end'. My previous relationship to my wife also resulted in my partner cheating on me, which it turned out had been going for pretty much the whole time i was with that person, a person who singly tried to destroy me. So I guess I am experienced in such events. I'm also often accused by family of having 'a bit' of a fiery temper. My wife works in what is a very emotionally demanding profession and environment, something I would consider it to be 'emotionally damaging'; health-care/medical. The Cheating. I had noticed, quite obviously that our dynamic had changed, emotionally she was withdrawing from me, but our sex life remained on course. Over the last month or so, that had terminated and our relationship had soured further. From previous experience I had already recognised the signs over the preceding months though had no evidence to back up any suspicions or allegations. Then about two weeks ago the evidence came to me in all its uncensored glory; In all its graphic details. It was someone at work, and with dates and locations and all the intimacy I could bear.. or not. He is married with 4 kids. I was of course gutted. Like a fish. Eating and sleeping were not on the list of capabilities. She knew I knew. I knew she knew I knew. The Thinking Processes. Of course when we find ourselves in such such situations our minds run amok. The betrayal, the lies, the deception? Does she 'love' him? is he better than me? Is our marriage over? How would we separate ? Do I want to be with this person ? We all go though these questions and more. The question I had to ask myself is, 'Do I want our marriage to survive this ?' and the answer was, and is, always *Yes*. Can our marriage survive this ? I can only answer part of that question... I had to spend a fair amount of my time 'processing'. That is not to say focusing or obscessing on the graphic details. What's done is done. It can never be undone, what I do have control over is how I react to this, what my actions are and what control I have. I cannot condone controlling another person, that will only drive them away. Personally, I feel that if we love someone we want them to be the best they can, for their own being and in a selfish way to enhance the best from yourself as well. The resulting behaviour patterns I saw in my wife and the effect in our relationship I could attribute to guilt and anger, which were manifesting themselves in the way she responded and reacted to me. It doesn't undo what what was done, but we have to work with what we have, don't we? The objective for me, I guess was to come through this stronger and better than before. But that is not my sole choice, that is a choice that depends on both of us. The build up. Of course the situation could have gone and could still go either way. We could go from complete implosion or come through this. I never thought it would be easy for either of us. I completed and printed out the divorce petition for the court, detailing the reason for the petition as 'adultery' and citing the named person. It was not sent, it will not be sent, at this time, and she doesn't know that i have it prepared.. It was in itself a cathartic process for me. Did i want to send it ? No. Acting in anger or petulance will not help the situation at all. Having donned my 'investigators hat' I built up a time line, also comparing this to the time line of our own communications. I did this simply as evidence building, in the case that it all goes down the tubes, there is no way I will be the one left sitting on my ass while the lovers go skipping off into the sunset hand in hand. Cheating and adultery has consequences, and there is no way I will absolve anyone of the consequences of their choices and leave me holding the tattered bag of mess to pick my life up from. You made the choice, you accept the consequences. And that means the other man facing his marriage tanking, both their jobs going down the tubes and a wronged ex-wife with 4 kids and a mutual property to deal with. Again, this is if anything a cathartic exercise, it puts some degree of control back in my hands, I am not merely a passenger in this process, but a part of the proceedings Though it must be said that one should not show their hand. 'Oversharing' will not help the situation. The Confrontation. I made a choice about this, the choice to make our relationship, our marriage, work and I came upon this forum and read other stories, views and opinions. Thank you all. You have no idea how much you helped someone you don't know or will never meet, or even know exists. But you did. In making that choice i needed to talk to someone, but i had to think this through. My family ? No. Knowing what I went through in the past, they would automatically take my side and freeze out my wife. That would make any reconciliation harder. Same with my friends. They will only be hearing 'my side' of events same with her friends only knowing one side and to be honest I didn't want friends or family thinking any worse of her or 'looking at her in a bad light'. The choice I settled on was my Mother in Law. No matter what happens, a mother and daughter will always have that bond and will never love each other less. I specifically didn't want to discuss it with her father because a girl will always be daddy's little girl, no matter how old and also a father doesn't have that woman/woman connection. In the phone calls backward and forward over the next two days my wife called her mother and said that she thought i knew (I'm guessing that the MIL perhaps knew) and the MIL told her yes i did and that i had the evidence and was not being 'paranoid'. My wife apparently went hysterical on the news that i knew and had evidence. She did not want to come home, as I understand and face me going nuclear at her, in fact she called asking what i wanted for dinner and we could go out and choose something nice, going back to how we used to be. One thing i should interject with here is that in the prior few days, when i knew and she pretty much knew i knew, we went out for lunch and discussed moving our relationship forward overcoming our problems and being straight that we didn't want to lose each other, that we both wanted it to work. we had a good day, together we held hands, we told each other of our feelings for each other. I know my wife was feeling me out on that phone call to see how i was emotionally.. i was normal better than normal, like we had been the days before, when we both confessed our feelings for each other and wanting the relationship to work and become stronger. Again, another interjection here, days before when we had the conversations about the future, i already knew and hadn't confronted.. i need to get my head in the right space and let her make the confession to me. As i said, what is done cannot be undone, but how i choose to act is within my power. So we started cooking dinner together, and midway through she blurted out 'i know you know!' and i responded with 'i know you know!' we looked at each other and laughed it was out in the open. we hugged, tight. No matter what I still love her. If i did not, i wouldn't want to make the relationship work. I did not shout, raise my voice, get aggressive, accuse, condemn, or be mean or nasty about it. I still have not, two weeks later. She has told me that its over and it has been for a month. Right now i have no reason to disbelive that, or even believe it. It is how she acts toward me that will dictate the fact. The one thing I did, the most important thing, was LISTEN, to let her talk. I did have to be firm that to put any blame on me was unfair. It was her choice and she cannot blame me for that, then I shut up and listened some more. We talked for a bit over dinner. My wife does not know the extent of what I know, nor the source. That is my information and I was clear on that. There is a simple reason for this in my mind. I do not want explanations of what, when, where, how.. or her to know what I know. Lies and deception will only damage the healing. And to be honest I know anyway, so what am I gaining..Personal torture? If she knows that I know details, but doesn't know *what* details or the source, then it's best not to lie, as it will look worse. I will not cross-examine her on what was said or done.. for what purpose to torture myself or her. As I said before, what was done cannot be undone. She collapsed, literally. Completely and utterly broke down. I held her close, wiped the tears from her eyes stroked her head and comforted her. It was what i said i would do in our marriage vows. She said she didn't deserve me, she didn't deserve such kindness. Yes, she did and does. That is what i vowed to do, to wipe the tears from her eyes and be there for her, no matter what problems we face in life. We went to bed that night holding hands. The Aftermath. We've talked a lot over the past two weeks, more than we have perhaps the whole of the year so far. I have not once got angry, shouted raised my voice, yelled accused or been mean to her about it. Yes it's morally justifiable, but what will it solve ? Nothing. All it will do is alienate her from me. I have been supportive and loving and showing her that no matter what i love her unconditionally. She has said that my actions have made it difficult for her to come to me to allow her to demonstrate her love for me, so of course i have backed off from being overbearing and giving her some space rather than dictating emotion. Initially she wanted to move out, to find some space to get her head straight and i said that i didn't think that would work, that we need to spend time with each other, quality time, to do things with each other or just 'be' with each other, building distance is not what we need to heal. We've reached compromises allowing each other to do our own thing too. I've made no demands on her to report where she is. She is doing that by herself. We've even laughed about the situation. I said to her 'FFS! he's a 4 out of 10!' She's still pissing herself laughing about that and said she knows, that he's a 4 out of 10 in 'all areas' and that I am a 10/10 in all areas (in all modesty.. i know i am :D). We've laughed, we've cried, she's been open and honest as much as she wants to be, to protect my feelings, and said how sorry she is and she has no idea what she was thinking. that she feels like it was someone else. I've showed my emotion, that not simply that i don't give a care about her or us, i do, i've shown that. I'm not wallowing in self pity.. She's planning on things to do together, she's texting me and calling me telling me how much she loves me and looking to the future 'together'. I am still being supportive of her. What i have learnt. I've learnt a lot from this about myself. I have also learnt that being supportive can work wonders. I've also learnt that in all reality, is anything more important than our future together. Certainly not a 4/10. I had to examine myself and my feelings. Sure many couples will take the utmost offence from sexual activity outside of the marriage, but really. We're all adults. We've both had sex before we met, if anything our sex life stepped up a notch when the affair was going on. But in all reality does it have any value. random sex is random sex, we've all been there before. Do i feel any less of a man or a husband because my wife had sex with someone else? No! I'm more secure in myself than that. If she or i want to have sex with someone else, I'd rather it be something we experience together. The biggest thing that I have had to come to terms with is that 'I', 'Me' was not there for my wife when her emotional state was all over the place. Do I blame myself? No and partly yes. I saw the signs, but i did not act on them. I did not 'man up' when my wife was was all over the place emotionally. Yes it was her choice to do what she did, but lets be honest, people cheat because there is something they are not getting from the relationship. If it's emotional then as a partner, we must tend to emotional needs and find ways to meet those needs. Try talking, communicating and expressing as a couple with honesty about what you need. If it's sexual, then as a partner, we must find ways to tend to those sexual needs too. The same thing, try expressing and communicating, try swinging as a couple, where you can be honest about what you need. Either way you are both open and honestly engaging with each other and its something you do with each other, not excluding the other. Some couples have open relationships too, but again that is honest in that it is not OK for one person, and not the other. That I think is the key; equality. This is why often we see the cheated on, getting retribution by by being a cheater too. It's a cycle that can only descend into misery, if not for you then another husband or wife somewhere. I can only demonstrate and show and prove to her that I am the best person in the world to her, the very reason whay she fell in love with me and wanted to get married to me. My route map to resolution. 1. Gain evidence. be sure and prepare yourself; its going to be painful. 2. Be honest with yourself. Do you want to come through it stronger. 3. Curb your anger. Anger is destructive, it will only make the accused defencive and retaliatory. 4. Don't be mean or nasty or throw it in their face. It only builds resentment. and there's enough of that floating between you as it is. 5. Don't give reason for the cheater and the other person to unite (this is important, you do not, under any circumstances give 'them' a cause to act together it will push them closer together and leave you the third wheel). 6. Don't involve friends. Or family, they will take sides and make reconciliation more difficult. Choose you confidant carefully, sometimes a close friend is not the best person. 7. Listen. Let the other person do the talking you need to hear, not talk. 8. Be supportive. Demonstrate that *you* are the best person that they will ever get. But *don't* be a doormat. 9. Do not reveal your sources. 10. Protect your emotions. You need to look after your emotional welfare, be who you are, and let them make a play for you. 11. Make time for each other. you need to spend time with each other, quality time, but let them make effort too. Share together the times you built your relationship. 12. base your future on equality. If the cheating is based on emotional needs then you need to communicate. If it's sexual need, then be open about it (if your partner is cheating out sexual need then bring equality in it.. suggest an open relationship, where you can date and get your sexual needs from someone else, or consider the swing scene where you can both explore together) i hope this helps at least one person out there and may add to it later on. We see in the papers people go to extremes over such events in life, even as far as taking life. It's not worth destroying yourself or your future over. If you resolve to stay together discuss the problems and find resolutions, if you dont then move on.

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