Did you stay for the kids?

My story is long and sad but probably familiar to a lot of you. My husband was a great guy to date and I knew when we met, he was the one. The very day we got married, he changed. We were married at the Courthouse to save $$ and have a house. I thought I was giving up a lot not having a wedding (or honeymoon) to have a house but I was young and ok enough with the idea. He got up the morning of our wedding and told me he was going to work a half-day and come home at lunch to go to the Courthouse. I was hurt. We were married in 1991 and it has been unhappy for me since then. I sewed my oats in my younger days and was happy to marry a responsible guy with a college degree and a good job. He wasn't a very good lover and he had little experience. I thought that was sweet back then. During our 21 year marriage, he has never taken me out on a date, never taken me or our now family on a vacation other than to see his family, he has never given me any gift for any holiday, birthday, Christmas, Valentines Day....... Never. About our 7th or 8th year of marriage, I started to finally wake up and realize the marriage was not normal. We never had sex (maybe or twice per year) and he was very boring. Of course by some miracle, I became pregnant. I had two pregnancies that had me very sick and hospitalized. I knew something was bad with my health but didn't know what. Fast forward to 2005. I had a four year old and a six year old and I worked full time. I was exhausted and barely hanging on. My Gf asked me to come on a vacation with her and my husband said I could take the kids and he had to work so he could not go. I am the QUEEN of rug sweeping so I just sucked it up to avoid confrontation and took the kids. Now I was completely in the dark and it NEVER crossed my mind that my husband would ever cheat on me. EVER. I would try and talk to him about our sex life but he would just say everything was fine and he loved me. I bought into it because we were full time working parents with young kids. I was just happy to keep my head above water. A few weeks after I arrived home from the trip with my GF, I found a Victoria Secret receipt on the dresser. I knew it wasn't for me and my husband was on a golf trip when I found it. It took me about a day to put the dates together and my brain finally caught up to reality and hind-sight kicked in. Now I'm the type who has to get things out in the open right away. I did not fact gather, I called my husband and asked him what was going on. He came home a day early and was shaking that he got caught. The Victoria Secret gift was for an escort! UGG. Now, unlike some, I never wanted to reconcile. I lost all respect for my husband in that instance. He was a bad husband anyway and cheating was the icing on the cake. My kids were 4 and 6 and my job was convenient for kids because it was close to home and the kid's school but it did not pay much. I asked my husband to let me go back to night school to finish my degree so I could obtain better employment so I could provide for the kids as a single parent. I hated being dependent on my **** bag husband. I went back to school and of course was under a huge amount of stress and never got any sleep. I started limping when I walked but ignored it and put my health on the back burner. Enter 2009. I went to get milk out of the refrigerator one morning and the gallon jug just fell out of my hand. I was losing strength and knew something bad was happening. Around the same time, my husband got a message on his cell phone with the name that is the same name as our dog. I thought it was a message about our dog so I looked at his phone. No pass code on the phone. Anyhoo, this time, I did some investigating and stayed up for about a week. I uncovered several women at the same time, prostitutes, tons of dating websites, business trips with women...... I was not having sex with my husband and I had no respect for him but I was really shocked at how he had been carrying on while I was busting my ass for the family. I finally snapped when I saw him send a picture of him and my kids in a photo. When he put my kids on the Internet, I lost it. I didn't know if he was seeing bunny boilers or what so for the safety of me and my kids, I confronted him and he gave me tons of trickle truth. He begged to stay, blamed me....blah, blah, blah.... Mind you, I do not care about this man. He is n awful person and has done terrible things to me. BUT I now have lost the use of one of my arms, my hand, and I need assistance to walk. I have possible MS or some other neurological disease. I had to leave school and quit my job and am now on disability. My whole world has been in the toilet since 2010. My plans for divorce were pushed aside because of my health and my husband has good health insurance and benefits. Now, as for my kids. My kids are 13 & 11 now. Both straight A students and very well rounded. Staying married affords me health insurance and my kids are able to join in all the after school activities that they love. My husband and I don't fight and are ok roommates but I hate that he has the upper hand and he knows it. This feeling crushes me every day. The advice I basically get is to stay because of finances or leave and the kids will be ok. If you have read my incredibly long story, please give me your thoughts. There will never be a reconciliation. I have not had sex in years. I love my children more than anything. I build my husband up in front of my children and they love him but think he is kind of boring. My husband does not put me down in front of the children OR in private. They do see he doesn't take me out or buy me gifts. We tolerate each other. I fear if we divorce, my husband will expose my kids to a sleezy lifestyle that I won't have any control over. All this being said, my youngest graduates HS in 6 years and that seems too far away. I'm not sure what to do. I have not proofread this at all so sorry about the ramble. I also type with one finger so it's time consuming to type. Thank You.

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