1 year later... still feel lost

April 2nd was my 1 year regarding my WH/DD. He got a job at home, quit drinking, quit watching porn, mostly participates in the family. We did MC for quite a while, I thought it helped, he thought all we did there was fight, but we went for about 3 months with a real physiologist, after dealing with a crappy "counselor" who put me to the brink of suicide for 2-3 months. I'm almost done with nursing school, will be done in a couple weeks. It was hard at first, but then I felt like we had a bond going well, but now I feel like that's gone and we're just both here. He says that this is the closest he's felt to me ever. I think part of it is that I don't care and I just blabber out whatever I want anymore. It was almost like that new love phase, and it just wears out. Sometimes I have bad days, and usually when I do I feel like he thinks that I should "be over it", although he's never said that. Sometimes he'll just leave me there to lay in bed most of the day, and this is when I really feel like I need someone to be there for/with me. Everyone says we're doing good, especially the people who know the whole story, but I just feel like there's such a big hole that will never be filled. Sometimes I wonder if it'd be better if we just split, sometimes I wonder if this is just life. I'm on Cybalta and it helps, if I go off of it I notice severe depression again. There are so many things I don't get to have the answers to, and I'm a person who needs answers, I like facts, I like information. It's really hard for me to understand why my husband cheated on me when he says that he doesn't know why he did, he was black out drunk. I also have some digestion and chronic sinus issues and I'll lose weight, but then gain it back when I have an exacerbation. I'm not obese, but am about 195, 150 makes me look really thin, but I do have some self-esteem issues there as well. If anyone has any words... I've just been so lost lately, and stressed, and I found so much support here when I needed it earlier in the process.

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