After the Lies

I'd be interested to hear community feedback about the current phase I'm locked into. I have had some very good advice but this zone is just plain weird. I've dealt with the OM, I've notified his wife and we have just had the STD's test (waiting on results) but now what? Against the promise I made to myself and a promise I made to my older brother (the only one in my family who knows - on her side only her best friend knows) I abused the tripe out of my partner. I guess that's rage for you. There have been some pretty ugly texts as well. It came to the boil when she allowed access to FB and it was clear that I had all but been expunged from her life. One photo of me from 5 years ago. The rest is her and her friends and our kids and a few strangers (to me) - couples, other people. Nothing really suggestive except her interests are listed as "Men". I note she likes the photos of the "Ink boys" - blokes with tats, soccer physique types. Bad boys?? No big deal (except I'm the antithesis of that image) but clearly she was, IMO, projecting a message that she was single. I guess it was just me feeling delicate but her counter to my comments was that I have shown little interest in FB and she was not wanting to tread on my privacy or something like that (I do have an FB page which I rarely visit - I find the whole FB thing mind numbing. For her it's the very social outlet it is designed for). That's when I blew up "protecting my privacy!!!" - "BS,BS,BS..." I bellowed. Then the hang-up and then the texts. This the pattern. I blow up, she puts facile, IMO, counter arguments like the very last text yesterday. "You have a choice to make. I have no reason to lie now. I am trying to get to a point where we can actually work on saving our relationship. Right now you just want to abuse me - calling me a liar and a cheat. You need to work out if you can get past that. Calling me those things over and over is not helping. You need to decide if you actually want to believe what I say or not". Then we go back to a more level playing field and carry on with the day to day as if nothing happened. At night I lie in bed next to her and I'm feeling mega arousal but it goes nowhere. Nothing is going to happen. It's like she is holding all the cards. People here say do this and do that but I'm in this limbo land where my heart has been smashed. I feel imasculated and I have this expectation that she will approach me and we'll move to level 1 of reconcilliation. Yes I'm very conscious of doing it for me, getting my mojo back, doing the 180 but at the moment I'm still in this shocked, angry numb state. I'm just not at that point where I can act entirely independently. Parenting is about it at this point. Just thought I'd put it out there. Horizon.

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