Getting off the roller coaster

This is my first post here. Not exactly sure what I'm looking for... I think just to share with people who might understand. Anyway, I'm 39, he is 42... Second marriage for us both... Together 11 years, married 9... I brought two children into the marriage and he brought one, we have two together. When we met I could barely believe a guy like him would be interested in me... He was hot, great body, kissable lips, could make me laugh, and he really seemed interested in me and in being a positive force in my life... I was overweight, single mom, struggling with money a little... Anyway, I figured out why he was interested in me a couple years into the relationship. I was so infatuated with this person that I semi worshipped that I blindly ignored tons of warning signs... My kids didn't like him, he never talked on the phone in front of me yet was always going over on our minutes, very protective over his cell phone, etc... I just overlooked it all. We eloped in 2004 and then he got activated by the army and got orders to move out of the state. My kids wanted to stay with their dad so off I moved across the country with my perfect husband. The first time he had to leave for the field, he forgot to take his cell... Not sure how he made that mistake... I heard it and it said he had a new voicemail... I checked it and it was a woman... Big surprise... He was in a full on emotional affair with this woman who was from back home. I was devastated. I was convinced it was because of me. I was too fat, etc. He gets back and I confront him, he says how sorry he is and he will end it... I found out shortly after I was pregnant... Here we are 9 years later... He has had multiple emotional affairs and one physical affair. Through marital counseling it was identified that he was verbally abusive... I was just so numb I didn't recognize it for the longest time. It took the counselor basically telling me that I need to seriously think about individual therapy if I am just fine to continue to be with someone who has no respect for me. That was a huge wake up call. I did pursue IC and I seemed to always end up at the same crossroad... Stay or go. His father was abusive also and abused my dh as well as his family... My dh's mom said to me once that things would be a lot easier for me if I just learned how to look the other was and know when to shut my mouth. In 2009 he started using alcohol to "deal with" me and spent most of the time drunk and I'm not exaggerating. I started looking for a job about that time... I knew I had to start thinking about the reality that we are not going to make it... I got a good job in 2010 and he got even worse... He hated that I was working. He got a DUI that year and then it was just so random... My car was in the shop and I took his truck to get some milk... I'm short so I had to pull the seat way up... I get out and go to shut the door and I see these pink envelopes... I had to look, of course. They were letters to my husband but mailed to his buddy's house... Love letters. I went home, handed him the letters, told him I was done and had an apartment rented with a week. He spent the next six months just completely turning his life around... Went to AA, started seeing a therapist once a week... He showered me with compliments and gifts... He got back into my heart... We started going to therapy together... Things really seemed to be working for us! We made a plan to reintegrate into one residence and it all seemed perfect... Too perfect... It wasn't 3 weeks after our reintegration that it was back to the same things... Now even worse... He got orders for a 9 month deployment in 2012 shortly after we moved back in together... The whole time he was deployed he was constantly accusing me of cheating and I wasn't! He got back from his deployment and instantly was distant and confrontational. He didn't waste any time finding my phone and looking through it and getting on my Facebook. He did find a couple messages that admittedly were flirtatious on my part. That was it for him, he was done. Looking for a place to move to. Well, he didn't know and I'm a little embarrassed to admit but I put spyware on his phone before I gave it back to him... That is how little I trust him... He moved out and about two weeks later I start finding all of these text messages with a woman in Oklahoma and they are saying they love each other and she is planning a trip out here. I confront him and he admits it all... Says it started about four months into the last deployment. This was like January 29th or so of this year so not very long ago... It it is the same thing again... He swears it will never happen again and the courting starts again... We went to see a therapist last week and he suggested we do a 3-6 month controlled separation... Which we have never really done... We have had separate addresses but he would come and go as he pleased... We would still have sex, etc. We are supposed to meet to fill out the contract and he decides he doesn't want to do it, he wants to just file for divorce. I picked up the packet. We agree on pretty much everything so hopefully won't have the expense of attorneys and I really believe this is the right thing to do but there is part of me... This part of me that doesn't want to let go... It makes me wonder how messed up am I? Do I hate myself that much? Why would I want to continue with this... I'm not saying I'm perfect, I have issues of my own... Just different issues which he says offend and hurt him just as much as his infidelity and name calling hurt me. The stuff seems kind of lame to me to be honest but to him they are deal breakers. Things like... Spending more than 50 dollars on any gift for my son from my first marriage. Questioning him in the gym or really regarding any topic where he feels he is more experienced. He feels I am selfish with him because I don't spend big money on gifts for him. It's not that I'm selfish, I was just raised with no money... We had like food stamps when I was a kid. He was raised with money. He likes to spend money. He buys me stuff and its nice stuff. I appreciate it but it doesn't come naturally to me to be that way. Every time I have bought him something expensive he ends up sending it back. We once got in this huge fight about some Cheetos. We bought Cheetos and I sent some in our daughters lunch and then the next day my daughter had a few after school and he was pissed about it. He said those were his and nobody else should have opened them. I had no idea. I thought they were a community food item. I have resorted over the years to lying to him about some thing to avoid his freak outs. He finds out sometimes and ends up freaking out anyway so he doesn't trust me either. He and my oldest don't get along and when he got deployed the last time he was like... You better not let your son come here to visit over the summer... I was thinking, wtf... But instead of arguing for my right to have my son in my home, I agreed just to avoid the blowup. I knew that I was lying but it was easier. He was being unreasonable. He said that is disrespectful to him and I'm sure it feels that way. It wasn't my intention but that was my sons last summer as a kid, he turns 18 today, grads from high school in June and is leaving for the Air Force shortly after. I wanted that summer with him. I tried to express this to my dh but he just shut me down. So I went behind his back and brought him out anyway. We had a great time and I can't even regret it. Sorry this was so long. It has been somewhat therapeutic and after rereading I feel more confidant that divorce is the right answer even if it does feel wrong, that is just because I have become so dysfunctional over the years. Rebecca

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