Can Things Get More Confusing?

"H" left in early January. For him, my past relationships (unhealthy) were a constant issue for him and despite everything I've done to assure him that I care and love him, he would constantly focus on the details of my past, which wasn't helping me mentally to move on. There is NO infidelity in our marriage. I believed (naively) we had worked through a lot of differences in the last 10-years. When things were good, they were wonderful. When they were bad, they were plain awful. We fought less, managed conflict better etc. Our lives were going OK with the occasional fight. In the last 3-years, we've been through multiple rounds of infertility treatment and pregnancy losses (most recent being this past Dec.), resulting in a serious case of depression for me (that I didn't get help for). I can't explain the darkness I (or he) felt, but needless to say, that added to our stress. I gained weight and he didn't feel like I was physically attractive, which didn't make me feel much better about myself. Try being intimate w/ someone who isn't attracted to you! "H" and his family are close. His mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in July last year and that destroyed him mentally. He worried a lot. From a social drinker, he became someone who would drink every day while chatting on FB until 2-3 a.m. in the morning over the last 3-years (if not longer). He's an alcoholic, but won't admit it. He says it's a symptom of something larger (which I agree), but that doesn't change that he's an alcoholic. Most of our arguments were usually when he was drunk. While there's no PA, I knew that he was talking to old girlfriends about me (i.e. my weight etc.) In fact, I had old e-mails of him writing to his ex of 10-years with some flirtatious remarks and sexual innuendo. I am certain that nothing has happened nor has there been any PA, but I think there has been some EA in some shape or form with these women on FB. Long story short - He left in early January, moving to another state, after another round of him fighting. There is no OW. I'm 100% sure of this. I stopped fighting for my marriage that night and told him that if he was unhappy that I will not stop him from leaving. My communication with him have been mostly "business" related since we had a settlement agreement written-up. It was difficult, but I had a routine built and I was keeping NC for the most part. It's been a really difficult process, but I truly was focusing on myself so that I could move on. Just when I thought I had a handle on the situation! My mom has a heart attack last week and I'm going home (another country) to visit. It's the busiest time of year at work for me, but I don't have a choice in the matter, and yet, I can't afford to lose my job at this point. It's also money I didn't want to spend right now, but family is family. The night I got the news, "H" had sent a text and I responded with the news I received. The next thing I know (he called me right away), he decides to return to the area and has told me that he'll take care of everything while I was away. Now, keep in mind that I DID NOT ask him to come back nor beg/plead/cry for him to save me etc. He decided himself and told me that if I needed to quit my job, that he'd take care of me regardless (*no, I'm not quitting the only safety net I have). Now he's saying things like: - He's regretting leaving me (that he's a fool) - He wants to get MC with me - He wants "fix" us - He is optimistic that we can reconcile... - He's attracted to me - He's sorry about the communication with his ex-s - He said that I've been the perfect wife (no such thing as perfect, but I'll take it) - He's hoping we can have a fresh start together and manage our issues better - He wants to take the next 6-months to work on us; we'd live separately but get help and work on ourselves and our marriage (*I don't necessarily believe there's such a thing as a trial separation, so I don't know) In all honesty, he is taking steps to get IC (this week) and reduce his drinking. I know that he's initiated those steps himself without prompting from me. I confronted him about the e-mails with former GFs and he admitted to being in the wrong about some of the things said in those e-mails/messages. The communication didn't bother me before, but since we were laying it all out there, I figure I might as well ask. Granted, I snooped, but I saw multiple threads to his ex and that never bodes well. I asked him to delete them off his FB. Initially he said he'd delete the account and just start it over with just family, but then decided that he'd deactivate the account instead, while we work through our issues. His unwillingness to delete them has me thinking he's just not being completely serious EVEN THOUGH he says he wants to try. I'm probably paranoid and right now, I really am not thinking clearly. I don't know what to do. I'm troubled by the fact he is back in town. I cannot think straight. I am dealing with the separation, my mother being ill (and my inability to be there NOW), my dad blaming me for the failed marriage and H's return to the area to try and "fix" us. I'm still limiting communication (as needed). I'm also concerned that he wants to stay here while I'm visiting my mother so that he can take care of the house and such. His brother and parents live in the area, so he could crash there. There's nothing to hide in the house (for me at least), but I feel weird about the situation. I don't want to say "no" because I do believe he's genuinely interested in working on our marriage. But at the same time, I am confused with his actions. I don't why he's come back. Is he doing it because he's feeling guilty? (since my mom's heart attack was apparently caused by stress from our separation; and she's been stressed about me being by myself in this country) Or if he genuinely interested in trying? In addition, I'm also dealing with my parents' own concerns for me (which is an added stress for me) since they are worried about my well-being. I have no family in the area and I appreciate his gesture to a degree, but I don't know if it's genuine. My in-laws have literally abandoned me (I considered them family). Thankfully, I've got a few good friends who have been wonderfully supportive. Even with counseling, I KNOW we have a lot of work to do. I'm just very confused right now. I can't sleep (last two days have been bad) and I'm back to barely eating. I have multiple deadlines to meet this week before I leave the country. I do feel very overwhelmed. I had a therapy session scheduled for this Thursday, but I've had to cancel due to my upcoming travels. Laying in bed tonight, I started to go into some pretty dark places and I wonder if perhaps I NEED to talk to a physician and get meds or something. Even considered going to ER to see if they'd just admit me. I don't know if I love him, if I want our marriage to work or whether I want him back. All I want right now is just clarity. I'm exhausted, in pain, and frankly really struggling and overwhelmed by recent turn of events. Sleep aids aren't helping... I know with some sleep, I'd feel better. But even when I am ASLEEP, my brain is working and I wake up multiple times during the night. I can handle ANYTHING most times, but the stress from multiple sides is actually starting to take its toll. Sorry, this has been a "vomit" session of details... I've shared in the failure of this marriage in my own way. So don't get me wrong, I've done my share - I withdrew from him, I refused to talk about past relationships (because it hurt me and I was TRYING to move on, but he wanted to know details), I stopped trying and caring over time, deep depression, stopped talking to him etc. If we were to try, I need to know that I'm doing it for the right reasons I guess. Worse thing is? I don't feel the same love-dovey feeling I felt when all this started. So is my brain protecting myself? Or is it really gone?

Put the internet to work for you. via Personal Recipe 2629979