I'm Still Angry & Becoming Bitter

Sometimes I hate myself because I stayed with him after blatant disrespect! Sometimes I amaze myself with the bull I say, as if I'm in such a loving relationship. He is a changed man, I will give him that, but now he's in a high position and he's always been the good guy... It's not that I want people to hate him, I just feel like how did I allow myself to allow him to pull me down with him, now he's on top of the world. All the while, I feel like I'm standing in a crowd of people with my burthday suit on. I feel stripped of my confidence. I used to enjoy life, I was always the life of the party. Now, I don't have any friends, I prefer to be in my house with my kids all the time. <---Thats a good thing!) What I'ms aying is, I used to take my kids out to have fun. Now I get up, go to work, pick up the kids come home. Everyday. I just lost my sense of direction, all because my husband cheated on me in the most disrespectful way. Here's my story: We met in 2007 at church. my dad is a Pastor and my husband was the musician. We each had a child from previous relationships. We were both single and began to flirt. Needless to say in March 2008 we starting going out and were engaged July 2008 Wedding set for August 2009. The entire year was a nightmare. We were in our early 20's. There was a woman at his church that he had dated prior to me, she was 40 years old. I began to notice things like them not speaking to each other, but they were in a singing group together. That was odd. I witnessed him wink at her while she was taking a picture of him and his mom. I noticed she would have the same color as him and I. One time we almost had on the same outfit. He would treat me badly when around her and his family. (I forgot, she is his sister's bff!) and one night he never came home, but was supposed to be around the corner (literally) at his sisters house. That's when I knew. He kept hsi phone locked so I couldn't see anything. But his sister started throwing me hints. We were only 2 months into the marriage, people were telling me. i guess I was in denial. She would blow kisses at him, he would get pissed at me if I talke about her. He disrespected me so many times in front of her, I just can't even count. But I stayed with him through all of this. The affair went on for 2 years. I moved out of the house while I was 4 mos pregnant with our son. I moved with my parents. 2 weeks later he started popping up and I ended up getting back with him. Our son was born and while I was in the hospital, i found out he'd been texting her and calling her. I had a rough delivery and had pneumonia and high blood pressure. No energy to fight, I let it go. We got another place, I cheated on him. I thought it would make me feel better, that I got him back. Nope. I felt worse. I wanted him to know, so I made sure he found out. He was mad, and that gave me some satisfaction. Then I felt like a ****. It made me feel worse about myself, then I started hating him because he 'made' me into this person I didn't recognize. People began asking me why I wa s so angry all the time. At first, I thought they were crazy. Now I see, I have become a bitter old woman and I am not 30 yet. My husband wholeheartedly apologized and meant it. Lost his entire family because he chose to be faithful to me. His mom is the only person that talks to him. His sister won't speak to him because of 'what he did to her friend'. It's a mess. He was a family man, so this has hurt him beyond belief. He gave up his cheating ways, he's loved me and he's proved that it's not true once a cheater always a cheater. But, I feel like a fool. He is now a 'man of the cloth' he is a respected man in our community. I resent him for that. If I bring my feelings to him, he says I'm living in the past and he's moved on from me hurting him, so I should too. But he doesn't understand that my life has changed drastically. I'm not who I used to be. I ask can we go to counseling, but he says I need it so I should go to a pyschiatrist. I've given him an ultimatum, something I should have done years ago. We either actively work to make our marriage healthy (not pretending it didn't happen) by him owning up to his infedilities or I'm done. I'm living in misery. I went from being a person people referred to as DIVA to now being the 'mad black woman' I never made him look bad before people, so with the influence of my family, he's become 'Somebody' I put up a good front and pretend that he's the best, but sometimes i wana scream in the church HE'S NOT S*** BUT A DOG. But I don't. I hate him, I hate myself and I hate that I did nothing about it. I got back with him and allowed myself to get played. How do I get my confidence back.

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