In a large portion of affairs, there are events that gradually lead up to an infidelity instead of an instant sexual encounter. Most people don't leave the house in the morning with the intention of having an affair. It happens over time. Usually, these affairs begin at home. Now, don't misunderstand; I am not in any way implying that an affair is ever justified in any way whatsoever. My wife had an affair and while I will never, ever claim any responsibility for that decision, there is no denying that our life at home was the beginning of a path that led to it.
These affairs are referred to as "Emotional Affairs" and they usually begin to sprout when things at home are not as they should be. For the purpose of this discussion, I will make the woman the one who had the affair because the two people that are in my mind as I write this are my wife and a friend of mine who also had an affair.
In my case, I was self employed and worked at home all day long. I spent my days talking to clients, working and hanging out with my kids. My wife worked in a corporate environment 50 miles from home. By the time she got home, I was ready to get out. I filled many evenings with being a volunteer firefighter. I attended classes, training, calls... I was gone sometimes every night of the week.
On the weekends, I would go help friends on various projects on one day or the other. Soon, my wife began to feel as if we were no more than roommates. She went to visit some of her family one Saturday. I was going to go visit one of my friends on the same day. I remember leaving the barber shop and just getting back into the truck when she called on the phone. She sounded really depressed. She was telling me that she loved me but that there were some things that she was unhappy about. She blamed financial issues of the day, but reassured me that she cared deeply for me.
She felt neglected. We didn't flirt, date, cuddle or spend any time together. At the time and unbeknownst to me, she was flirting with co-workers and vendors while at work. It all starts off as innocent flirting but this can quickly give people the wrong idea. It starts out as a random chance meeting... Out on the smoking deck during break time, for instance. Two people happen to be out there by random chance and have small talk conversations.
Soon, one of the participants make a concerted effort to be out there smoking when they know the other one will be out. Conversations get deeper and flirting begins. Soon, planned break times turn into going to lunch. Lunch grows into hanging out after work every couple of days. Before you know it, there is a full fledged affair. Most times, the participants are not aware on a conscious level that there is anything wrong with what they are doing until a major line has been crossed... The first kiss...
For the purpose of this discussion, that's as far as I need to go with that topic. Some become full-on leave your spouse affairs while others end abruptly and now there is a horrible secret that someone is carrying around with them every day.
But what about AFTER the affair?
My friend's husband works overseas and is gone for six weeks, home for 3. She has raised his children from toddlers to now one is about to go into the military. I don't know the details of her affair other than that she had one. I cannot honestly say that I would not have done the same thing with a marriage like that. Sorry but if we're going to be honest here...
Once the affair is over and the couples decide to reconcile and work it out, there had to be an understanding. Sure, the victim partner should expect transparency from the cheating spouse. That should be ongoing forever. Locks and passwords do nothing but raise suspicions.
I have never cheated on my wife and my email is always open on my computer. My phone has no password and I leave it around the house all the time. If she picks it up, she picks it up. I have nothing to hide and I don't care if she goes poking around in it.
For a long time, she lived under my scrutiny. After a reasonable amount of time passed, we began to heal and I no longer felt the need to stand over her or follow her around. She has proven her loyalty to me and has gone over and above to earn my forgiveness.
But then, there is my friend. She has been living under the microscope for years and years over her infidelity. Don't you think that at some point, if trust never re-populates after the big Earth Shake that it would be time to move on? How long to you rub a dog's nose in it's pee on the carpet before enough is enough? Do you grind his nose into it until you wear his snout down to the eye sockets?
Now, it is none of my business and I would never get involved in someone elses marital issues but isn't there a time to call it quits when one spouse is playing prisoner to the other? If you can't ever trust again, then you will never have a true relationship again.
These affairs are referred to as "Emotional Affairs" and they usually begin to sprout when things at home are not as they should be. For the purpose of this discussion, I will make the woman the one who had the affair because the two people that are in my mind as I write this are my wife and a friend of mine who also had an affair.
In my case, I was self employed and worked at home all day long. I spent my days talking to clients, working and hanging out with my kids. My wife worked in a corporate environment 50 miles from home. By the time she got home, I was ready to get out. I filled many evenings with being a volunteer firefighter. I attended classes, training, calls... I was gone sometimes every night of the week.
On the weekends, I would go help friends on various projects on one day or the other. Soon, my wife began to feel as if we were no more than roommates. She went to visit some of her family one Saturday. I was going to go visit one of my friends on the same day. I remember leaving the barber shop and just getting back into the truck when she called on the phone. She sounded really depressed. She was telling me that she loved me but that there were some things that she was unhappy about. She blamed financial issues of the day, but reassured me that she cared deeply for me.
She felt neglected. We didn't flirt, date, cuddle or spend any time together. At the time and unbeknownst to me, she was flirting with co-workers and vendors while at work. It all starts off as innocent flirting but this can quickly give people the wrong idea. It starts out as a random chance meeting... Out on the smoking deck during break time, for instance. Two people happen to be out there by random chance and have small talk conversations.
Soon, one of the participants make a concerted effort to be out there smoking when they know the other one will be out. Conversations get deeper and flirting begins. Soon, planned break times turn into going to lunch. Lunch grows into hanging out after work every couple of days. Before you know it, there is a full fledged affair. Most times, the participants are not aware on a conscious level that there is anything wrong with what they are doing until a major line has been crossed... The first kiss...
For the purpose of this discussion, that's as far as I need to go with that topic. Some become full-on leave your spouse affairs while others end abruptly and now there is a horrible secret that someone is carrying around with them every day.
But what about AFTER the affair?
My friend's husband works overseas and is gone for six weeks, home for 3. She has raised his children from toddlers to now one is about to go into the military. I don't know the details of her affair other than that she had one. I cannot honestly say that I would not have done the same thing with a marriage like that. Sorry but if we're going to be honest here...
Once the affair is over and the couples decide to reconcile and work it out, there had to be an understanding. Sure, the victim partner should expect transparency from the cheating spouse. That should be ongoing forever. Locks and passwords do nothing but raise suspicions.
I have never cheated on my wife and my email is always open on my computer. My phone has no password and I leave it around the house all the time. If she picks it up, she picks it up. I have nothing to hide and I don't care if she goes poking around in it.
For a long time, she lived under my scrutiny. After a reasonable amount of time passed, we began to heal and I no longer felt the need to stand over her or follow her around. She has proven her loyalty to me and has gone over and above to earn my forgiveness.
But then, there is my friend. She has been living under the microscope for years and years over her infidelity. Don't you think that at some point, if trust never re-populates after the big Earth Shake that it would be time to move on? How long to you rub a dog's nose in it's pee on the carpet before enough is enough? Do you grind his nose into it until you wear his snout down to the eye sockets?
Now, it is none of my business and I would never get involved in someone elses marital issues but isn't there a time to call it quits when one spouse is playing prisoner to the other? If you can't ever trust again, then you will never have a true relationship again.
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment