After my daughter was born, almost 10 years ago, I was diagnosed with anxiety, OCD and PTSD. At the time, I was seeing a therapist who basically prescribed me a bunch of drugs and sent me on my way. I hated the way I felt on the drugs. It was even worse than being sick. I can't do the whole "zombie" thing so I stopped taking the drugs and started smoking a bunch of pot.
Smoking helped. I smoked regularly for about 2 years and, ironically, it made me a functioning human being again. I tapered my habit and eventually felt content with handling my life without any of it.
Over the past few years since I've been with my new husband, I've been feeling the monster creeping up on me. He pretty much gets pissy any time I express any kind of overwhelming emotions. A big trigger for my anxiety has been my shakey career and the fact that I've had to job hop a lot over the past 3 years. He doesn't understand how much that consumes me and what a stress factor that is. Last night, I came across a cute, little comic and bawled my eyes out like an idiot.
Pretty much, every time I struggle with anxiety, that's how the conversations go. The worst is when he tells me that my anxiety bothers him because he's had his own battles with depression and mentally overcame things. I never say this to him because there's no point but he has no freaking clue. What he's describing is an attention seeking episode he had in his late teens when his parents thought about getting a divorce and he cut himself for a bit. Sometimes I feel like that's the reason he dismisses me. That's his understanding of depression and anxiety so he can't grasp why I can't will it away.
It's really frustrating to be with someone who directly accused me, this morning, of wanting to be miserable and that being my problem. I don't know how to fix this. I don't have anyone to talk to. I can't afford therapy right now, either. I got laid off twice in the past 2 months and I'm currently unemployed. :(
Smoking helped. I smoked regularly for about 2 years and, ironically, it made me a functioning human being again. I tapered my habit and eventually felt content with handling my life without any of it.
Over the past few years since I've been with my new husband, I've been feeling the monster creeping up on me. He pretty much gets pissy any time I express any kind of overwhelming emotions. A big trigger for my anxiety has been my shakey career and the fact that I've had to job hop a lot over the past 3 years. He doesn't understand how much that consumes me and what a stress factor that is. Last night, I came across a cute, little comic and bawled my eyes out like an idiot.
Pretty much, every time I struggle with anxiety, that's how the conversations go. The worst is when he tells me that my anxiety bothers him because he's had his own battles with depression and mentally overcame things. I never say this to him because there's no point but he has no freaking clue. What he's describing is an attention seeking episode he had in his late teens when his parents thought about getting a divorce and he cut himself for a bit. Sometimes I feel like that's the reason he dismisses me. That's his understanding of depression and anxiety so he can't grasp why I can't will it away.
It's really frustrating to be with someone who directly accused me, this morning, of wanting to be miserable and that being my problem. I don't know how to fix this. I don't have anyone to talk to. I can't afford therapy right now, either. I got laid off twice in the past 2 months and I'm currently unemployed. :(
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