My wife and I have been married for 4 years and we have a 5 year old son. When I was 18, I enlisted in the army and we were married after basic training. During my time in the army I went on 2 deployments and spent a lot of time away from her. I treated her pretty badly emotionally. I was really distant and even when I was home I wasn't really there. We went through these cycles where as I was prepping to deploy I would get even more distant than normal and she would try to cling and it would make me angry and we would fight about it. While I was deployed I would talk about how I wanted to leave her and live my life without her nagging. But when I would get back, I never did any of that. We wouldn't fight and we would be happy.
Until I got back from my 2nd deployment. The whole time I was there it was like I was always angry, and it didn't stop when I got back. I began to compound all the stress and anger that I felt and directed it at her. I drank, a lot. She put up with all of it and more and I was still angry. I got out of the army in January, but in December I told my wife I was done. I wanted a divorce. I hated my job, I hated what I was doing, I was just pissed off all of the time.
Then I got out of the army and my anger began to just...dissipate. I realize how much of an ass I had been to my wife and that I love her. I looked at myself in the mirror and now that all my friends were gone, I just saw an angry messed up drunk. So I cut back on the drinking. I've gone from every day to maybe once a month and only a few. That anger I had was gone. But something else has taken its place. I am alone.
I told my wife I wanted her back and that I was sorry for everything I had done. I found out she's been dating this guy essentially such we separated. I've taken my son on days she originally had him so she could see this guy and I really honestly feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest. It ****ing hurts, I don't want to eat and I have to fight myself daily to keep myself from drowning myself in a bottle. When I first came to her she told me she wanted to try to fix us. Now she says that she isn't sure.
Since asking her to come back I have been more communicative then I have ever been with anyone in my life and it scares me out of my mind. I told her everything about everything and I think it may be too late. I feel like everything is coming to a head and some days I just want to suck start my .45 so I don't have to deal with her leaving (or not coming back). I understand why she's hesitant, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I think its the other way round. I know this whole thing is my fault and that I'm the one to blame. I don't know what I'm going to do if she decides not to come back. I already feel like my life is in shambles and that I'm one step away from freefall.
Until I got back from my 2nd deployment. The whole time I was there it was like I was always angry, and it didn't stop when I got back. I began to compound all the stress and anger that I felt and directed it at her. I drank, a lot. She put up with all of it and more and I was still angry. I got out of the army in January, but in December I told my wife I was done. I wanted a divorce. I hated my job, I hated what I was doing, I was just pissed off all of the time.
Then I got out of the army and my anger began to just...dissipate. I realize how much of an ass I had been to my wife and that I love her. I looked at myself in the mirror and now that all my friends were gone, I just saw an angry messed up drunk. So I cut back on the drinking. I've gone from every day to maybe once a month and only a few. That anger I had was gone. But something else has taken its place. I am alone.
I told my wife I wanted her back and that I was sorry for everything I had done. I found out she's been dating this guy essentially such we separated. I've taken my son on days she originally had him so she could see this guy and I really honestly feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest. It ****ing hurts, I don't want to eat and I have to fight myself daily to keep myself from drowning myself in a bottle. When I first came to her she told me she wanted to try to fix us. Now she says that she isn't sure.
Since asking her to come back I have been more communicative then I have ever been with anyone in my life and it scares me out of my mind. I told her everything about everything and I think it may be too late. I feel like everything is coming to a head and some days I just want to suck start my .45 so I don't have to deal with her leaving (or not coming back). I understand why she's hesitant, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I think its the other way round. I know this whole thing is my fault and that I'm the one to blame. I don't know what I'm going to do if she decides not to come back. I already feel like my life is in shambles and that I'm one step away from freefall.
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