A year ago I fell in love with the man of my dreams. He was exciting, attentive, affectionate, extremely sexual, expressive, and all the while being a man's man. He was a police officer with a presence, confidence, and is hard working in and out of work. He proposed to me in April after 7 amazing months together. Just two months later, we found out we were expecting a child - my 2nd and his 3rd. Not long afterwards, I was laid off from my job. We decided to go ahead and tie the knot in a more informal wedding so that I could be covered by his insurance. I quickly planned a wedding and by August, we were married and in trimester #2, where we found out we were having a boy. We are all very excited. By September, I managed to obtain a contract position in a large successful company and also won a discrimination case against the employer that laid me off. Things were looking up. Except the marriage.... Immediately after the wedding, my husband started having a hard time at work. He was stressed, depressed, unattentive, unaffectionate, and cold. Our sex life came to a complete stand still. I even caught him looking at porn. I was upset, blaming my new baby belly for what must be his unattraction to me. However, he swore that all of the problems were stress related and that he needed to quit his job. He knew he couldn't because he carried the insurance for us all, which stressed him out further. But what stressed him out the most was my emotional state due to the very drastic and sudden change in our relationship. He would get so upset that he would threaten suicide, telling me he would get his gun and shoot himself. I decided therapy was the way to go at this point. So, we started marriage counseling. My husband also put his resume out and found a new job. In counseling, the therapist speaks a lot about what a high stress life we live, so patience as we let the waters settle is key to improve our situation. So, I put a smile on m y face and back-burnered my sadness about the lack of affection and intimacy. I started doing what I could to support his emotions. He wanted a big shiny truck for his new job so we did just that. We now have a $1,000 note. Additionally, I paid off all of his debt, paid all the bills for our home, did all of the housework as he was working excessive hours trying to prove himself at this job. It was exhausting being that I am 7 months pregnant, but I was hoping to start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. That did not happen. My husband was working for a company that pushed him to his limits mentally, emotionally, and physically. His depression got worse. The night before he quit this job, he held a gun to his head in our bathroom in front of me. Our kids were in the other room doing their homework. I calmed him down and he left the house. When he returned, I told him to do what he had to do but he had to get help. I could not have my son and our new son being brought up in a house with a suicidal man for a role model and father/step-father. So, he went to work the following day and quit. He said he will take the rest of the year off and get better. He has not brought up getting professional help which he needs. Rather, he is just doing projects at the house, fishing, relaxing... . On the other hand, I still struggle but now with extra weight. We still have no intimacy and he is even more cold. He "barks" at me in spontaneous rages if I so much as say something that he does not agree with. I think he has forgotten that this role I am in at my company is contract and not full-time. In 60 days, I will not be earning pay. There are hopes that this employer may hire me on as a full time employee, but nothing is guaranteed. I only tried to talk to him about finances and that resulted in a very intense rage. I am now having to pay a ton toward an insurance plan outside of an employer without his help. Additionally, I have inherited the responsi bility of paying 100% of the bills until he does find something. We are weeks away from Christmas and I am even sad that I know there will not be anything for me from my husband under our tree. I get sad about a lot of things. However, if he sees me sad, he gets furious. He now blames me for his prolonged "recovery time", saying that if I would just get over this then he would start to return to normal. We were married in August. It is now days from December and I feel like I am living with a stranger. How can he expect me to not feel emotion during this? How can I turn my attention to this being "all about him" and depression... and take the focus off of my own feelings? It seems IMPOSSIBLE as I am 38, mentally and physically exhausted and emotionally, I am a train wreck. I am daydreaming about divorce now... future happiness with someone else. However, the someone else I am daydreaming about is the man I fell in love with a year ago. I still want to be with my husband... I just don't know if he exists anymore.
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