I have recently asked my BPDw WHY there is NO affection from her...no kindness...no connection...no touch of any kind.
Intimacy seems to be avoided. Sex ...has stopped.
Her answer is that she does not feel "safe enough"..to let her "walls down".
Now - at first I really cringed at that. I have done NOTHING for her to feel unsafe..nothing. (and I said that to her)
There has NOT been any anger from me...any "incidents"...etc..
I am a very even keeled man. Deal with high stress each day...so my home life I am very calm.
She agreed that not unsafe in any "traditional sense". SO THAT was even MORE confusing.
I asked her to explain...(she was reluctant and almost angry that I asked) and she said something along the lines of - she did not feel that "I was concerned about her well being".
AGAIN...major cringe...as I have been SO VERY concerned and attentive to her well being for YEARS. ( I understand that This is just my perception....but I am being as unsubjective as i can here)
She also said that " she did not feel safe with her emotions with me"....
AGAIN...her emotions have been UPSIDE DOWN...for YEARS.
(likely BPD, Peri-menopause, etc.) I am a good man, good husband, good father....(Again I realize self report...but...) VERY safe to be around. I love he greatly, support her, want her.
Can anyone help me understand this?
I asked her to please maybe even write it down what makes her not feel safe. Add in anything I can do to help MAKE her feel safe.
She has not done that.
(which is also confusing for me. I would think that
A) A person would WANT to if the other partner ASKED to share it and wanted to fix it.
B) It should be EASY to share what makes you not feel "Safe"?
Any path that might help?
Thank you
Intimacy seems to be avoided. Sex ...has stopped.
Her answer is that she does not feel "safe enough"..to let her "walls down".
Now - at first I really cringed at that. I have done NOTHING for her to feel unsafe..nothing. (and I said that to her)
There has NOT been any anger from me...any "incidents"...etc..
I am a very even keeled man. Deal with high stress each day...so my home life I am very calm.
She agreed that not unsafe in any "traditional sense". SO THAT was even MORE confusing.
I asked her to explain...(she was reluctant and almost angry that I asked) and she said something along the lines of - she did not feel that "I was concerned about her well being".
AGAIN...major cringe...as I have been SO VERY concerned and attentive to her well being for YEARS. ( I understand that This is just my perception....but I am being as unsubjective as i can here)
She also said that " she did not feel safe with her emotions with me"....
AGAIN...her emotions have been UPSIDE DOWN...for YEARS.
(likely BPD, Peri-menopause, etc.) I am a good man, good husband, good father....(Again I realize self report...but...) VERY safe to be around. I love he greatly, support her, want her.
Can anyone help me understand this?
I asked her to please maybe even write it down what makes her not feel safe. Add in anything I can do to help MAKE her feel safe.
She has not done that.
(which is also confusing for me. I would think that
A) A person would WANT to if the other partner ASKED to share it and wanted to fix it.
B) It should be EASY to share what makes you not feel "Safe"?
Any path that might help?
Thank you
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