First time to this forum and honestly desperate for help. A little bit of background first. I met my wife in 2011, we dated, and after 13 months of dating I proposed. We were married in December of 2012 so we've been married almost 2 years now. I was 24 years old at the time. We both come from strong Christian values (not pointing the finger at others, just a statement of what guided much of our courtship). As such, we did not have sex with each other until our wedding day. And I mean nothing. The furthest we went was doing dry humping and no hands over any private areas of the body. Maybe some butt grabbing.
My point being, is that based on how difficult it was for us to keep our hands off each other before marriage, between the makeout sessions and the dry stuff, I expected a somewhat better sex life. I really feel that I was fooled. The wedding night we only did it twice. Maybe more than some can pull in a row, but for me losing my virginity plus the occasion of a wedding night, I had a few more rounds I could've gone. The connection and intimacy that we had the first time was real and it was profound to me. But after the 2 times she said she was tired and she went to sleep. And I really was okay with it. Here was my sweetheart, we'd had a great wedding day, and I got that she'd be tired. Heck, I was tired too. The following week during the honeymoon, we maybe did it once a day and skipped a day or two of that week. Again, I thought that maybe this was normal and that I shouldn't place unreal expectations on my wife. Maybe all those things I hear about people going wild on each other on the honeymoon were exaggerations. Upon getting home from the honeymoon, we maybe had sex almost once a week for the first 6 months. Then every other week for the rest of our first year.
I was hurt. I had saved myself for my whole life for this one woman that I was under the impression would be a minx (if our makeout sessions were anything to gauge by), and she really didn't seem to care for intimacy once the wedding had passed. We sat down and had a heartfelt talk with each other after this had been going on for our first year. She admitted to me that she just didn't seem to have the drive and that she really was trying hard to meet my needs as a husband. To me, that's all I think that I can ask of her. I have asked what I can do from my end and she never gives me any feedback on what I can do.
She has tried very hard this second year of marriage, but I am still having a hard time finding intimacy with her. Everytime I try to initiate any foreplay besides kissing or grinding with her, she pushes my hand away (or my face away) so I've given up entirely with that. About the only time during the week that she'll initiate anything is about 5 minutes before I have to be out the door to work. And I mean out the door. Not putting my shoes on, grabbing my jacket, and getting my lunch out of the fridge. I mean turning the knob and walking out. That means that at her "invitation" I have less than 2 minutes push through it and then be fully clothed again and all my things together to get out the door on time. Then when I have accepted her "invitation" I've been 15-20 minutes late to work because the 5 minute window I missed allows 20 minutes worth of rush hour traffic to build up. I'm a college graduate working in a professional environment and it's not acceptable to be late t o work at all let alone on a regular basis. I've even tried waking up earlier because I thought I saw a pattern where maybe she was only in the mood in the morning. But no, it's only ever 5 minutes before I need to leave. And the times that I do accept, it's only about 10% of the times that she actually really wanted to do it. The other 90% she does it because she feels obligated to. I appreciate that she's trying but it's hard for me that 90% of times because the entire vibe she's giving off is that I need to finish as quickly as possible. And I do need to finish as quickly as possible. Because I need to get to work.
And finally her latest effort, is that she'll initiate something in evening time before bed when she's tired. She'll sort of brush against my junk for a couple minutes and I'll get excited. Then she'll just have her hand there unmoving for 5 minutes so I think she's fallen asleep. I get unexcited. Then she moves again after those 5 minutes of inactivity. Another 2 minutes. I get excited. She stops moving. Repeat that cycle for 30 minutes. Then she wants to move to the bed. I think that it's on. Well guess what. She does that for another 15 minutes in the bed. When she finally decides it's time do the deed, it's been 45 minutes of confusion and my guy doesn't feel like standing at attention after so many false alarms. Then she gets hurt that I'm not in the mood anymore.
I love my wife dearly. She is the sweetest woman that anyone will ever meet. The kindness that she displays to me and to others never ceases to amaze me. The acts she thinks to do to help others are things that never occur to me. One of the many reasons I decided to marry her is that I had never been okay with the thought of getting married to any of my previous girlfriends. I'm not sure if that sounds strange or not but everything about our relationship just felt right. After 2 years of marriage, I love her even more. This whole sex thing though is just awkward and I'm not sure what to do. Every time I try to bring up discussions about our sex life, I never get the opportunity to truly express all of my frustrations. She goes into this shut-down mode where nothing gets through.
What do I do????
My point being, is that based on how difficult it was for us to keep our hands off each other before marriage, between the makeout sessions and the dry stuff, I expected a somewhat better sex life. I really feel that I was fooled. The wedding night we only did it twice. Maybe more than some can pull in a row, but for me losing my virginity plus the occasion of a wedding night, I had a few more rounds I could've gone. The connection and intimacy that we had the first time was real and it was profound to me. But after the 2 times she said she was tired and she went to sleep. And I really was okay with it. Here was my sweetheart, we'd had a great wedding day, and I got that she'd be tired. Heck, I was tired too. The following week during the honeymoon, we maybe did it once a day and skipped a day or two of that week. Again, I thought that maybe this was normal and that I shouldn't place unreal expectations on my wife. Maybe all those things I hear about people going wild on each other on the honeymoon were exaggerations. Upon getting home from the honeymoon, we maybe had sex almost once a week for the first 6 months. Then every other week for the rest of our first year.
I was hurt. I had saved myself for my whole life for this one woman that I was under the impression would be a minx (if our makeout sessions were anything to gauge by), and she really didn't seem to care for intimacy once the wedding had passed. We sat down and had a heartfelt talk with each other after this had been going on for our first year. She admitted to me that she just didn't seem to have the drive and that she really was trying hard to meet my needs as a husband. To me, that's all I think that I can ask of her. I have asked what I can do from my end and she never gives me any feedback on what I can do.
She has tried very hard this second year of marriage, but I am still having a hard time finding intimacy with her. Everytime I try to initiate any foreplay besides kissing or grinding with her, she pushes my hand away (or my face away) so I've given up entirely with that. About the only time during the week that she'll initiate anything is about 5 minutes before I have to be out the door to work. And I mean out the door. Not putting my shoes on, grabbing my jacket, and getting my lunch out of the fridge. I mean turning the knob and walking out. That means that at her "invitation" I have less than 2 minutes push through it and then be fully clothed again and all my things together to get out the door on time. Then when I have accepted her "invitation" I've been 15-20 minutes late to work because the 5 minute window I missed allows 20 minutes worth of rush hour traffic to build up. I'm a college graduate working in a professional environment and it's not acceptable to be late t o work at all let alone on a regular basis. I've even tried waking up earlier because I thought I saw a pattern where maybe she was only in the mood in the morning. But no, it's only ever 5 minutes before I need to leave. And the times that I do accept, it's only about 10% of the times that she actually really wanted to do it. The other 90% she does it because she feels obligated to. I appreciate that she's trying but it's hard for me that 90% of times because the entire vibe she's giving off is that I need to finish as quickly as possible. And I do need to finish as quickly as possible. Because I need to get to work.
And finally her latest effort, is that she'll initiate something in evening time before bed when she's tired. She'll sort of brush against my junk for a couple minutes and I'll get excited. Then she'll just have her hand there unmoving for 5 minutes so I think she's fallen asleep. I get unexcited. Then she moves again after those 5 minutes of inactivity. Another 2 minutes. I get excited. She stops moving. Repeat that cycle for 30 minutes. Then she wants to move to the bed. I think that it's on. Well guess what. She does that for another 15 minutes in the bed. When she finally decides it's time do the deed, it's been 45 minutes of confusion and my guy doesn't feel like standing at attention after so many false alarms. Then she gets hurt that I'm not in the mood anymore.
I love my wife dearly. She is the sweetest woman that anyone will ever meet. The kindness that she displays to me and to others never ceases to amaze me. The acts she thinks to do to help others are things that never occur to me. One of the many reasons I decided to marry her is that I had never been okay with the thought of getting married to any of my previous girlfriends. I'm not sure if that sounds strange or not but everything about our relationship just felt right. After 2 years of marriage, I love her even more. This whole sex thing though is just awkward and I'm not sure what to do. Every time I try to bring up discussions about our sex life, I never get the opportunity to truly express all of my frustrations. She goes into this shut-down mode where nothing gets through.
What do I do????
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment