My husband and I have only been married 3 years, together for over a decade, and recently went through a very rocky time. We were considering separation/divorce for a bit but we ultimately decided we were in this for good and we worked on a variety of issues (we seemed to butt heads on many things, some of which weren't even related to our marriage but more just out of individual dissatisfaction with life in general). We went to see a therapist, which also helped. We did a lot of work as individuals, as well as together as a couple, and things have improved and are continuing to improve. I personally feel much stronger and secure than I did even just a few months ago. I feel I have done a lot of work on myself and am continuing to do so, and continuing to grow as a person. Despite many improvements and things going fairly well between the two of us, one issue that seems the most difficult to improve is that of my in-laws.
We live far away from them so it is not a regular issue for us, however the distance almost gives us a false sense of security because things are fine between us when they are out of sight/out of mind, but when they come up in conversation or are literally coming to our area, that's when the you-know-what hits the fan. We will be getting along just fine and things will be going great, but tension and stress arise as soon as the in-laws enter the picture in any way. We don't necessarily have a fight, per say, but it definitely causes tension, stress, and a distance between my husband and I. Then I feel not as close to him, and angry with my in-laws for causing a rift in our marriage. I used to get very emotional, yell, get upset, etc. but I have become much more calm and rational, take more responsibility for my feelings, and am better able to communicate than I used to be (though my husband still tends to get upset, raise his voice, show frustration, shut down, etc). I simply do not like his family...I know that sounds bad, and they are not bad people, but we just do not mix. His family and I have very different backgrounds, very different interests, values, beliefs, etc. We are basically oil and water. It's not that any of us are bad people, we just don't get along. They do little things that irritate me, insult me, and I get the sense I am not their favorite person either.
My husband, understandably, loves them very much and I do not want to prevent him from seeing them...however I just don't want to take part in it myself because I hate how I feel when I am around them. I realize this is my issue, not my husband's, and I would rather choose to not be around his family while fully supporting him visiting with them. The problem comes in when it's a special occasion, like the holidays, when I want to be with my husband and he wants to be with his family. Because we live so far away we are already trying to work out holiday plans to visit family this winter (our families live only about 10 minutes apart so we will go back together to see them). Because he wants to be with his family and I want to be with mine, we have decided it is best to split up so that we both visit our own families as we wish (we will visit with each other's family, too, but we will stay with our respective families).
The reason for my post today, and the thing that truly concerns me, is that if all goes well in our marriage and we continue to work on ourselves and on our relationship, we would like to start a family in the next year or so, after some more work has been done to ensure we can provide a stable environment for children. Part of that stable environment, I believe, is for kids to be with both mom and dad, so once they are in the picture I don't think this whole "splitting up and visiting our families separately" thing is going to work. I feel his mother in particular is extremely selfish and manipulative, and constantly starts drama to get her way. I have chosen to deal with this by simply not being part of the situation, as I've said, but once there are grandchildren for her, as the future-mom of those future-kids I am obviously going to have to deal with her and see her more. I would never prevent her from seeing her grandchildren and have no doubt she would love them very m uch, however because it's already so difficult to work out seeing our families when it's just the 2 of us, I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to divide up time once splitting up to see them separately isn't very realistic. It is so hard being from the same home town...people tell us we are lucky, but my husband and I agree that it would be so much easier if our families lived in different states..that way we could say we are going to X for Thanksgiving and going to Y for Christmas. But when they're only 10 minutes apart from each other, I want to be with my family and he wants to be with his. I feel I have been very fair in making sacrifices and compromises over the years to accommodate time with his family (he has done the same), but it is just SUCH an ordeal...does anyone have any advice at all on how to make this less stressful? We are at the point where we almost don't want to go back at all (and we didn't last year), which makes me sad to think I'd miss seeing m y family again at the holidays just because it's too difficult to work out in our relationship.
Any advice is greatly appreciated. I have read a lot about this and tried various solutions, but nothing has worked for us in the past (the last time we went back 2 years ago we agreed to stay with his family 5 days and mine the following 5 days...it didn't work at all because being just 10 minutes apart, when my parents were off from work I wanted to see them and that fell within the days we were with his family, and when we were with my family his mom would text him and want to see him and he'd want to go back to their house 10 mins down the road, so we definitely didn't stick to our original agreement because there were too many moving parts). I'm hoping that by doing more brain storming and communicating over the next 5 months, we can have a somewhat less-stressed holiday visit back with our families, and at least a general idea of what we can do to NOT have to visit separately once there are children involved.
We live far away from them so it is not a regular issue for us, however the distance almost gives us a false sense of security because things are fine between us when they are out of sight/out of mind, but when they come up in conversation or are literally coming to our area, that's when the you-know-what hits the fan. We will be getting along just fine and things will be going great, but tension and stress arise as soon as the in-laws enter the picture in any way. We don't necessarily have a fight, per say, but it definitely causes tension, stress, and a distance between my husband and I. Then I feel not as close to him, and angry with my in-laws for causing a rift in our marriage. I used to get very emotional, yell, get upset, etc. but I have become much more calm and rational, take more responsibility for my feelings, and am better able to communicate than I used to be (though my husband still tends to get upset, raise his voice, show frustration, shut down, etc). I simply do not like his family...I know that sounds bad, and they are not bad people, but we just do not mix. His family and I have very different backgrounds, very different interests, values, beliefs, etc. We are basically oil and water. It's not that any of us are bad people, we just don't get along. They do little things that irritate me, insult me, and I get the sense I am not their favorite person either.
My husband, understandably, loves them very much and I do not want to prevent him from seeing them...however I just don't want to take part in it myself because I hate how I feel when I am around them. I realize this is my issue, not my husband's, and I would rather choose to not be around his family while fully supporting him visiting with them. The problem comes in when it's a special occasion, like the holidays, when I want to be with my husband and he wants to be with his family. Because we live so far away we are already trying to work out holiday plans to visit family this winter (our families live only about 10 minutes apart so we will go back together to see them). Because he wants to be with his family and I want to be with mine, we have decided it is best to split up so that we both visit our own families as we wish (we will visit with each other's family, too, but we will stay with our respective families).
The reason for my post today, and the thing that truly concerns me, is that if all goes well in our marriage and we continue to work on ourselves and on our relationship, we would like to start a family in the next year or so, after some more work has been done to ensure we can provide a stable environment for children. Part of that stable environment, I believe, is for kids to be with both mom and dad, so once they are in the picture I don't think this whole "splitting up and visiting our families separately" thing is going to work. I feel his mother in particular is extremely selfish and manipulative, and constantly starts drama to get her way. I have chosen to deal with this by simply not being part of the situation, as I've said, but once there are grandchildren for her, as the future-mom of those future-kids I am obviously going to have to deal with her and see her more. I would never prevent her from seeing her grandchildren and have no doubt she would love them very m uch, however because it's already so difficult to work out seeing our families when it's just the 2 of us, I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to divide up time once splitting up to see them separately isn't very realistic. It is so hard being from the same home town...people tell us we are lucky, but my husband and I agree that it would be so much easier if our families lived in different states..that way we could say we are going to X for Thanksgiving and going to Y for Christmas. But when they're only 10 minutes apart from each other, I want to be with my family and he wants to be with his. I feel I have been very fair in making sacrifices and compromises over the years to accommodate time with his family (he has done the same), but it is just SUCH an ordeal...does anyone have any advice at all on how to make this less stressful? We are at the point where we almost don't want to go back at all (and we didn't last year), which makes me sad to think I'd miss seeing m y family again at the holidays just because it's too difficult to work out in our relationship.
Any advice is greatly appreciated. I have read a lot about this and tried various solutions, but nothing has worked for us in the past (the last time we went back 2 years ago we agreed to stay with his family 5 days and mine the following 5 days...it didn't work at all because being just 10 minutes apart, when my parents were off from work I wanted to see them and that fell within the days we were with his family, and when we were with my family his mom would text him and want to see him and he'd want to go back to their house 10 mins down the road, so we definitely didn't stick to our original agreement because there were too many moving parts). I'm hoping that by doing more brain storming and communicating over the next 5 months, we can have a somewhat less-stressed holiday visit back with our families, and at least a general idea of what we can do to NOT have to visit separately once there are children involved.
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