HI all...I'm going to make this first post...and then ask some questions subsequently.
Married 22 years. 3 kids, my two from previous, one together...all of them young adults.
My husband has a mistress.
He's been flirtatious with her at times over the years, but some times heavier flirting and sometimes totally indifferent. Never anything that raised red flags that it could go deeper.
It really ventured into problem realm this past 1.5 years. I didn't know it had become much more involved until this past autumn..and didn't know the full extent of things until December 6th, when he got so involved with her that he neglected duties on his job and lost his job. He was actually involved with her on the job at times, sometimes in the mornings before work began, sometimes meeting her after work but claiming to work late. Sometimes in the car after work. He was almost always alone with her when he was with her...and he kept her a very big secret from everyone.
At one point she had given him medical issues.
I stood by him through the medical issues not knowing she'd had any involvement in it. I thought it was due to other causes. I became his medical advocate and researcher and specialist locator, you name it. A lot of effort into trying to help him heal from a serious illness. Even took an emergency leave of absence from my own job, which I was not able to get back.
I also intervened on his behalf with his boss after the job loss, when he was very ill and neurologically incapacitated, so he could at least leave that job with a glowing reference. (which is a blessing really, as prior to this he was a highly valued, trusted and honorable employee of 25 years.)
I dont know how else to say it..but I've put up with this mistress and its accompanying BS now for quite some time. Life has been unbearable at times...and we stood (and maybe still stand) to lose everything we've worked for over the 22 yr marriage/26 yr relationship. I've Begged for MC, insisted on IC, some kind of treatment plan to resolve why he has this compulsion for her & won't give her up completely, etc. I've been extremely patient.
He can't seem to follow through. He keeps going back to her. He claims to love me and our daughter (who is in her last year of school and needs us/him). He's made hundreds of empty, broken promises. He lies about the mistress situation constantly. At times neglects the marital bed because of her or can't perform well because he's been with her prior.
At one point recently, after my many threats of leaving (which I see were just empty threats since I stayed)...I gave an ultimatum. It wasn't even to get rid of the mistress altogether. But rather a place we could start ...was at least with honesty about her. Thats it...just No More Lies.
Without honesty & the trust that accompanies it, nothing else can be worked on, I thought. Just a basic foundation...stop lying about her, hiding her, being secretive and we can sort it from there. Because under the lies, I kept being hopeful that things could change, that he was really trying. I told him if he continued to lie I was going to be done for good and for real.
Well, he continued to lie. Vacillated between being remorseful & begging for another chance to straighten it out... or becoming arrogant and indignant.
I'd finally had enough and I told him I want out of this marriage. I asked for a separation and thats where we stand at this point. Neither of us can move out yet as he just started a new job (after sitting around unemployed with his mistress for 5 months)..and I've just started a new job myself.
He's decimated our finances. He used to be a financial wiz...and made good money. I found out he cancelled our health insurance and I was VERY upset. I had to find this out from our daughter who found out when she went to an important doctors appt and was turned away. He didn't even have the ***** to tell me himself or consult me or give me/dd a chance to get our own, etc.
He'd also started paying other bills late or not at all. Blown through our life savings. All this because he can't walk away from his mistress.
I found out what her name was (for certain) in December.
Its Alcohol. :(
Married 22 years. 3 kids, my two from previous, one together...all of them young adults.
My husband has a mistress.
He's been flirtatious with her at times over the years, but some times heavier flirting and sometimes totally indifferent. Never anything that raised red flags that it could go deeper.
It really ventured into problem realm this past 1.5 years. I didn't know it had become much more involved until this past autumn..and didn't know the full extent of things until December 6th, when he got so involved with her that he neglected duties on his job and lost his job. He was actually involved with her on the job at times, sometimes in the mornings before work began, sometimes meeting her after work but claiming to work late. Sometimes in the car after work. He was almost always alone with her when he was with her...and he kept her a very big secret from everyone.
At one point she had given him medical issues.
I stood by him through the medical issues not knowing she'd had any involvement in it. I thought it was due to other causes. I became his medical advocate and researcher and specialist locator, you name it. A lot of effort into trying to help him heal from a serious illness. Even took an emergency leave of absence from my own job, which I was not able to get back.
I also intervened on his behalf with his boss after the job loss, when he was very ill and neurologically incapacitated, so he could at least leave that job with a glowing reference. (which is a blessing really, as prior to this he was a highly valued, trusted and honorable employee of 25 years.)
I dont know how else to say it..but I've put up with this mistress and its accompanying BS now for quite some time. Life has been unbearable at times...and we stood (and maybe still stand) to lose everything we've worked for over the 22 yr marriage/26 yr relationship. I've Begged for MC, insisted on IC, some kind of treatment plan to resolve why he has this compulsion for her & won't give her up completely, etc. I've been extremely patient.
He can't seem to follow through. He keeps going back to her. He claims to love me and our daughter (who is in her last year of school and needs us/him). He's made hundreds of empty, broken promises. He lies about the mistress situation constantly. At times neglects the marital bed because of her or can't perform well because he's been with her prior.
At one point recently, after my many threats of leaving (which I see were just empty threats since I stayed)...I gave an ultimatum. It wasn't even to get rid of the mistress altogether. But rather a place we could start ...was at least with honesty about her. Thats it...just No More Lies.
Without honesty & the trust that accompanies it, nothing else can be worked on, I thought. Just a basic foundation...stop lying about her, hiding her, being secretive and we can sort it from there. Because under the lies, I kept being hopeful that things could change, that he was really trying. I told him if he continued to lie I was going to be done for good and for real.
Well, he continued to lie. Vacillated between being remorseful & begging for another chance to straighten it out... or becoming arrogant and indignant.
I'd finally had enough and I told him I want out of this marriage. I asked for a separation and thats where we stand at this point. Neither of us can move out yet as he just started a new job (after sitting around unemployed with his mistress for 5 months)..and I've just started a new job myself.
He's decimated our finances. He used to be a financial wiz...and made good money. I found out he cancelled our health insurance and I was VERY upset. I had to find this out from our daughter who found out when she went to an important doctors appt and was turned away. He didn't even have the ***** to tell me himself or consult me or give me/dd a chance to get our own, etc.
He'd also started paying other bills late or not at all. Blown through our life savings. All this because he can't walk away from his mistress.
I found out what her name was (for certain) in December.
Its Alcohol. :(
Put the internet to work for you.
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