I'm devastated and I'm not sure why. I know this letter is long so most may not even want to read it. I think it will help me a lot just to put it down and tell someone.
I found out just 2 months ago that all these of events occurred more than 12 years ago. So why should it bother me now? All I know is I so pi$$ed off that I don't know what to do. I feel like my chest could explode with a heart attack 6 times a day! I'm not myself anymore. I'm so unhappy which is totally opposite of who I really am.
My wife is very attractive, even after 33 years of marriage. One day in the middle of April she asked me to move the bedroom furniture around. I started moving her large cedar chest, and nearly broke my back from the weight. So I decided to empty some of the contents to make it a little lighter. After removing the second stack of childhood books, I saw an odd looking non-descript book half way down. I opened it and found it to be a hand written journal.
Basically it read like a history of illicit experiences she had over a period of nearly 23 years complete with dates! I quickly put this one book in my closet so I could read it in detail later. However it haunted me and as soon as I was done moving the furniture I took the book to my office and began reading her words written by her own hand.
It began with a guy she met in college when we were on a break up for a week. She went out with this guy and since we were not connected that week, I didn't care what they did. We became engaged 2 weeks later and the next entry was dated a month and a half after that. She wrote that we had a spat for 3 days and she went back to this same guy's house after school. It didn't really say much as far as details other than that, but later that evening I confronted her with her own book and I began to question her on it. She said she couldn't remember anything about seeing this guy. She said she couldn't even remember the first date she had with him when we were on the outs. She just affirmed to me that she never kissed him. But then a week later I brought it up again and she said this time that she did kiss him! No other details!
Fast forward 2 years after we had been married, she wrote about another guy who was a local university student selling tickets for the local theater. She wrote that she talked to him and ended up buying the tickets which I do remember occurring back then. The guy then complimented my wife on our house and asked her if she would show it to him. It really wasn't much of a house, but she agreed to take him through it. They went through all the rooms, but when they got to the bedroom her journal states the college guy forced him self on her and she was startled. They kissed for maybe 2 minutes before he left. Next she wrote that he returned again later that same afternoon asking for directions to somebody's house in the area. Then he asked her if it would be OK if they talked, so she invited him into our living room. They talked on the sofa for a while and soon they started making out. Her writing makes it sound like a lot went on between them including kissing and some clothes coming off. All of this taking place on our sofa! She vaguely wrote about some sexual contact had occurred. Now when I confronted her on this, she said that she made the whole thing up and it was just a fantasy. None of it really happened!
I'll skip many chapters and move forward 6 years. She at that time was working for a large company with lots of men and this was their annual convention. This was the first year for her to go to the convention and she wrote that she kissed 2 different guys the first night, three more guys the next day and night and 2 more the last day! All of these were different guys at the convention where there were hundreds of men attending all dressed very professionally in suits and ties. On the first night she met this one guy for maybe a minute and began kissing him in an elevator ride up to her hotel room. She made out with another guy earlier that same night in the back of a dark night club on the second floor according to her journal. Then the next day she and another girl there hooked up with some guys that had a limo and rode around the city with them. After just five minutes in the limo she wrote that she began kissing with the guy in the back seat. They all four had lunch together that afternoon and later she and the guy in the back of the limo went to her room and made out. He wanted to do a lot more but my wife told him no and he got really mad. I think they remained in the room for a while after that but nothing was really said about what they were doing. Maybe they were just waiting for the other two to come back because it sounded like those two were off having sex. I once again confronted her with the details of her book and she said nothing really happened other than kissing between them. I say what the WTF! You admit you kissed these guys and she said yes, but nothing else happened I promise. I asked if she was sure about that and she said she was on her period that week and there was no way she did anything with any of those guys at the convention. I have no idea about that! After this convention I remember her being banned from ever attending another one by her company. I thought it was for drinking too much but now I'm not so sure.
Moving forward 9 months. She attended a trade show for the same company and the business chartered a bus of staffers from her office to handle the event. She ran a display booth there representing the business during the afternoon. At 6:00pm the trade show ended and they had a huge party for all the attendees that number nearly 2,000 people. Four of her best friends from work went with her too. There was live music, dancing and drinking. She met a guy there who live 300 miles away who attended that was her age and really good looking. He was wearing business suit and power tie. She is a sucker for that. They danced and drank and she wrote that there was some sexy talk as well between them. After one of the dances she wrote that this guy in front of everyone started kissing her long and very passionately. He asked her to go to his hotel room which was adjacent to the convention center where the trade show was and it sounded like she did. At least they went somewhere. It didn't specifically state where they went, but they re-joined the group of friends and drank and danced some more. Then she wrote that they took a walk out side the center together and made out with each other. Finally they went back to the group of friends and hung out some more. It was very late by then and he wanted to take another walk with her but she refused this time. I badgered her on this and she said she went up to his room, but remained in the hallway. She said she never went inside his room. I asked about this again a week later and this time she said she never even left the main floor let alone go several floors to his room. Well it can't be both!
I'll skip over a lot of other instances that she had in her journal. We are now 15 years after we had been married she was working for a different company that had her traveling 5-6 times a year. This was a very upscale company and she was expected to dress professionally all the time. Well she and three other women who also worked for the company were dining in an exclusive restaurant together every night at the hotel. I found a photo of the ladies together at the restaurant in one of our albums. There was no photo of the waiter. They had already been there for a day or so and had gotten to know the waiter quite well there. The waiter as it read took a fancy to my wife and all the other ladies noticed and commented how he was so attentive to her. That night after dinner the waiter guy motioned for my wife to remain after the others left. She did and the waiter gave her a rose and told her he wanted to meet her after his shift. She said it was late and she couldn't since his shift wasn't over for a couple more hours. Then he said he thought he could get someone to cover for him within 30 minutes. So she agreed to meet him in the main lobby. In the mean time she went back up to her room to freshen up and then went back down to see this Hispanic waiter. He wanted to go outside for a walk but it had been raining. She was still wearing a full length gown from work and didn't want to go outside and drag the dress through the wet dirty side walks. So they ended up according to her journal going to some closed bistro in the huge hotel that he had keys to. They made out on the tables, but she never seems write many details so I have no idea how far they might have gone. I questioned her about this and she said it was a fantasy she had and she made the whole thing up. Yes, there really was a waiter she had met on that trip that liked her, but she made up the rest of the story.
The last entry which was 2002 is about a GNO where they stayed over night in the city. There were four females including my wife according to her journal she spent the entire evening dancing with these 2 guys all night. She was wearing a very short black dress that she said she had to keep tugging down. She said she didn't kiss the guys all that much in front of her friends, and she also wrote there was a lot of "crotch rubbing" going on. The guys got her really wasted on drinks that night. By 1:00am the other three girls wanted to go back to their room. My wife it seemed wanted to stay and party with the guys some more. However, one girl friend kept tugging at her arm to go back to the Embassy Suites while the other two guys pulled on her other arm to go back and party with them alone. In the end the girl friend won out and she went back reluctantly to their hotel room. She wrote that she really did want to stay out and party some more with the two guys. I do remember her going on this GNO with her friends. In fact I found couple photos of the group, but no guys. She had done this lots of times in the early 1990s and I always fully trusted her. So I quizzed her about this night and she said nothing much really happened other than some kissing and sexy dancing. I about flipped out on this one and told her to pack her bags! After pleading for an hour or so I let her stay. It's so tough because we have history and I have always loved her. But now, I'm not so sure?
There are 39 entries in that journal that have me so pi$$ed off mad that I could kick her out in an instant. I have always trusted her completely. I want to believe her when she tells me that most of this is just made up stuff and at times she gets me to think that same way. Then when I really read what she has written, I get really mad all over again and believe that all this really did happen. Four of five of the instances which were basically kissing stuff she said really did happen. The rest are just fantasies. She told me not once did she ever let a guy have sex with her or gave a BJ.
All this writing and going out stopped 12 years ago when my wife had a huge health scare. I know it's stupid to throw away my marriage for rotten behavior that happened more than a decade ago, but I'm really fuming and just want to dump her where she belongs!
How could I possibly have never seen any of this coming? I can't believe there is anyway one person that could possibly hide 39 accounts of infidelity over a 23 year period. It's just impossible! I didn't see one real instance where she ever saw the same guy twice. This is totally insane!
Still, I feel like I'm losing my mind here and am barely functioning as a human being. It consumes my every thought and is eating away at my soul. I'm in such a dark place these days.
I don't know what to do!
I found out just 2 months ago that all these of events occurred more than 12 years ago. So why should it bother me now? All I know is I so pi$$ed off that I don't know what to do. I feel like my chest could explode with a heart attack 6 times a day! I'm not myself anymore. I'm so unhappy which is totally opposite of who I really am.
My wife is very attractive, even after 33 years of marriage. One day in the middle of April she asked me to move the bedroom furniture around. I started moving her large cedar chest, and nearly broke my back from the weight. So I decided to empty some of the contents to make it a little lighter. After removing the second stack of childhood books, I saw an odd looking non-descript book half way down. I opened it and found it to be a hand written journal.
Basically it read like a history of illicit experiences she had over a period of nearly 23 years complete with dates! I quickly put this one book in my closet so I could read it in detail later. However it haunted me and as soon as I was done moving the furniture I took the book to my office and began reading her words written by her own hand.
It began with a guy she met in college when we were on a break up for a week. She went out with this guy and since we were not connected that week, I didn't care what they did. We became engaged 2 weeks later and the next entry was dated a month and a half after that. She wrote that we had a spat for 3 days and she went back to this same guy's house after school. It didn't really say much as far as details other than that, but later that evening I confronted her with her own book and I began to question her on it. She said she couldn't remember anything about seeing this guy. She said she couldn't even remember the first date she had with him when we were on the outs. She just affirmed to me that she never kissed him. But then a week later I brought it up again and she said this time that she did kiss him! No other details!
Fast forward 2 years after we had been married, she wrote about another guy who was a local university student selling tickets for the local theater. She wrote that she talked to him and ended up buying the tickets which I do remember occurring back then. The guy then complimented my wife on our house and asked her if she would show it to him. It really wasn't much of a house, but she agreed to take him through it. They went through all the rooms, but when they got to the bedroom her journal states the college guy forced him self on her and she was startled. They kissed for maybe 2 minutes before he left. Next she wrote that he returned again later that same afternoon asking for directions to somebody's house in the area. Then he asked her if it would be OK if they talked, so she invited him into our living room. They talked on the sofa for a while and soon they started making out. Her writing makes it sound like a lot went on between them including kissing and some clothes coming off. All of this taking place on our sofa! She vaguely wrote about some sexual contact had occurred. Now when I confronted her on this, she said that she made the whole thing up and it was just a fantasy. None of it really happened!
I'll skip many chapters and move forward 6 years. She at that time was working for a large company with lots of men and this was their annual convention. This was the first year for her to go to the convention and she wrote that she kissed 2 different guys the first night, three more guys the next day and night and 2 more the last day! All of these were different guys at the convention where there were hundreds of men attending all dressed very professionally in suits and ties. On the first night she met this one guy for maybe a minute and began kissing him in an elevator ride up to her hotel room. She made out with another guy earlier that same night in the back of a dark night club on the second floor according to her journal. Then the next day she and another girl there hooked up with some guys that had a limo and rode around the city with them. After just five minutes in the limo she wrote that she began kissing with the guy in the back seat. They all four had lunch together that afternoon and later she and the guy in the back of the limo went to her room and made out. He wanted to do a lot more but my wife told him no and he got really mad. I think they remained in the room for a while after that but nothing was really said about what they were doing. Maybe they were just waiting for the other two to come back because it sounded like those two were off having sex. I once again confronted her with the details of her book and she said nothing really happened other than kissing between them. I say what the WTF! You admit you kissed these guys and she said yes, but nothing else happened I promise. I asked if she was sure about that and she said she was on her period that week and there was no way she did anything with any of those guys at the convention. I have no idea about that! After this convention I remember her being banned from ever attending another one by her company. I thought it was for drinking too much but now I'm not so sure.
Moving forward 9 months. She attended a trade show for the same company and the business chartered a bus of staffers from her office to handle the event. She ran a display booth there representing the business during the afternoon. At 6:00pm the trade show ended and they had a huge party for all the attendees that number nearly 2,000 people. Four of her best friends from work went with her too. There was live music, dancing and drinking. She met a guy there who live 300 miles away who attended that was her age and really good looking. He was wearing business suit and power tie. She is a sucker for that. They danced and drank and she wrote that there was some sexy talk as well between them. After one of the dances she wrote that this guy in front of everyone started kissing her long and very passionately. He asked her to go to his hotel room which was adjacent to the convention center where the trade show was and it sounded like she did. At least they went somewhere. It didn't specifically state where they went, but they re-joined the group of friends and drank and danced some more. Then she wrote that they took a walk out side the center together and made out with each other. Finally they went back to the group of friends and hung out some more. It was very late by then and he wanted to take another walk with her but she refused this time. I badgered her on this and she said she went up to his room, but remained in the hallway. She said she never went inside his room. I asked about this again a week later and this time she said she never even left the main floor let alone go several floors to his room. Well it can't be both!
I'll skip over a lot of other instances that she had in her journal. We are now 15 years after we had been married she was working for a different company that had her traveling 5-6 times a year. This was a very upscale company and she was expected to dress professionally all the time. Well she and three other women who also worked for the company were dining in an exclusive restaurant together every night at the hotel. I found a photo of the ladies together at the restaurant in one of our albums. There was no photo of the waiter. They had already been there for a day or so and had gotten to know the waiter quite well there. The waiter as it read took a fancy to my wife and all the other ladies noticed and commented how he was so attentive to her. That night after dinner the waiter guy motioned for my wife to remain after the others left. She did and the waiter gave her a rose and told her he wanted to meet her after his shift. She said it was late and she couldn't since his shift wasn't over for a couple more hours. Then he said he thought he could get someone to cover for him within 30 minutes. So she agreed to meet him in the main lobby. In the mean time she went back up to her room to freshen up and then went back down to see this Hispanic waiter. He wanted to go outside for a walk but it had been raining. She was still wearing a full length gown from work and didn't want to go outside and drag the dress through the wet dirty side walks. So they ended up according to her journal going to some closed bistro in the huge hotel that he had keys to. They made out on the tables, but she never seems write many details so I have no idea how far they might have gone. I questioned her about this and she said it was a fantasy she had and she made the whole thing up. Yes, there really was a waiter she had met on that trip that liked her, but she made up the rest of the story.
The last entry which was 2002 is about a GNO where they stayed over night in the city. There were four females including my wife according to her journal she spent the entire evening dancing with these 2 guys all night. She was wearing a very short black dress that she said she had to keep tugging down. She said she didn't kiss the guys all that much in front of her friends, and she also wrote there was a lot of "crotch rubbing" going on. The guys got her really wasted on drinks that night. By 1:00am the other three girls wanted to go back to their room. My wife it seemed wanted to stay and party with the guys some more. However, one girl friend kept tugging at her arm to go back to the Embassy Suites while the other two guys pulled on her other arm to go back and party with them alone. In the end the girl friend won out and she went back reluctantly to their hotel room. She wrote that she really did want to stay out and party some more with the two guys. I do remember her going on this GNO with her friends. In fact I found couple photos of the group, but no guys. She had done this lots of times in the early 1990s and I always fully trusted her. So I quizzed her about this night and she said nothing much really happened other than some kissing and sexy dancing. I about flipped out on this one and told her to pack her bags! After pleading for an hour or so I let her stay. It's so tough because we have history and I have always loved her. But now, I'm not so sure?
There are 39 entries in that journal that have me so pi$$ed off mad that I could kick her out in an instant. I have always trusted her completely. I want to believe her when she tells me that most of this is just made up stuff and at times she gets me to think that same way. Then when I really read what she has written, I get really mad all over again and believe that all this really did happen. Four of five of the instances which were basically kissing stuff she said really did happen. The rest are just fantasies. She told me not once did she ever let a guy have sex with her or gave a BJ.
All this writing and going out stopped 12 years ago when my wife had a huge health scare. I know it's stupid to throw away my marriage for rotten behavior that happened more than a decade ago, but I'm really fuming and just want to dump her where she belongs!
How could I possibly have never seen any of this coming? I can't believe there is anyway one person that could possibly hide 39 accounts of infidelity over a 23 year period. It's just impossible! I didn't see one real instance where she ever saw the same guy twice. This is totally insane!
Still, I feel like I'm losing my mind here and am barely functioning as a human being. It consumes my every thought and is eating away at my soul. I'm in such a dark place these days.
I don't know what to do!
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment