It's been 1 year 3 months and 1 day since D-Day....
I've been a member of this site for at least a year now and haven't written anything on here. Sometimes I read through other threads hoping to find answers to the questions I am to afraid to ask. What I find usually doesn't help most of it I can relate to and seem to find that there are a lot of people who have the same feelings and thoughts that I do. I have been looking for a little hope (hope that my marriage works out) and there doesn't seem to be much of it here.....but what else can I other than rant random thoughts and hope that getting them out of my head helps me heal a little
After all this time of trying to work things out I find myself still obsessing and wondering and in an incredible amount of pain. For a while I was able to keep most of it under wraps or at least get it out and move on to the next day, but lately I haven't been able to move on....the next day is as bad as the one before.
In the beginning I thought that if I changed the way I treated husband then things would work themselves out and we could move forward, we could fall in love with each other again, I was excited to start a new life. He was at first distant but I saw a little hope in him to....until I had a bad day!!!! Then it goes back to the same fight the same blame game and the same ****ty relationship. He hasn't ever shown remorse (at least not what I understand of remorse), and doesn't seem to want to help me feel better just wants me to get over it so he doesn't have to hear it for the rest of his life.
Then the OW!!! What is she that I am not? Would they have made it together? Would he be the same selfish, controlling A**HOLE he was to me? or were they perfectly compatible? Would she have been the one he wanted to change for? I really don't know??!!! Living in this small town I run into her more often than I am comfortable with...the mall grocery store, driving down the road how F****D up, and he doesn't seem to think I should let that get to me. She is pretty and Im sure fun and funny and is good to the kids she has... what little I know about her seems like she is a good person BUT I hate her!!!! Does she even think about the profound effect she has had on a stangers life??? Sometimes I think about calling her, or writing her, or confronting her....but would any of that help me??? The level of my obsession seems INSANE to me...why can't I just get over this??
I understand that the state of our marriage is my responsibility as much as it was his, but is it now? I have tried to be loving and affectionate and supportive and a good wife again but when I slip and have a bad day it ALL goes to ***T! At first I could let it go and be content that I put my thoughts and feelings out there and was able to hold it in for a while again, and even enjoy the good times we had, now it is everyday that I feel anxious, angry, hurt, and hopeless. I am moving backwards instead of forwards? Husband has been very little help...he is good to me as long as he thinks I am doing ok but other wise distant and uncaring, and when the blow up comes...Down right MEAN, saying incredibly hurtful things and so willing to give up??? I can't seem to give up tho. With our three kids and the life I have helped build and the effort I have put into the last 10 years, how do you walk away?? At this point I don't want to move on with another person or another life, but I cant seem to get this one right.
There is so much that I know I have left out and this is just a confusing, random rant that probably only I can understand, hopefully it helps.
I've been a member of this site for at least a year now and haven't written anything on here. Sometimes I read through other threads hoping to find answers to the questions I am to afraid to ask. What I find usually doesn't help most of it I can relate to and seem to find that there are a lot of people who have the same feelings and thoughts that I do. I have been looking for a little hope (hope that my marriage works out) and there doesn't seem to be much of it here.....but what else can I other than rant random thoughts and hope that getting them out of my head helps me heal a little
After all this time of trying to work things out I find myself still obsessing and wondering and in an incredible amount of pain. For a while I was able to keep most of it under wraps or at least get it out and move on to the next day, but lately I haven't been able to move on....the next day is as bad as the one before.
In the beginning I thought that if I changed the way I treated husband then things would work themselves out and we could move forward, we could fall in love with each other again, I was excited to start a new life. He was at first distant but I saw a little hope in him to....until I had a bad day!!!! Then it goes back to the same fight the same blame game and the same ****ty relationship. He hasn't ever shown remorse (at least not what I understand of remorse), and doesn't seem to want to help me feel better just wants me to get over it so he doesn't have to hear it for the rest of his life.
Then the OW!!! What is she that I am not? Would they have made it together? Would he be the same selfish, controlling A**HOLE he was to me? or were they perfectly compatible? Would she have been the one he wanted to change for? I really don't know??!!! Living in this small town I run into her more often than I am comfortable with...the mall grocery store, driving down the road how F****D up, and he doesn't seem to think I should let that get to me. She is pretty and Im sure fun and funny and is good to the kids she has... what little I know about her seems like she is a good person BUT I hate her!!!! Does she even think about the profound effect she has had on a stangers life??? Sometimes I think about calling her, or writing her, or confronting her....but would any of that help me??? The level of my obsession seems INSANE to me...why can't I just get over this??
I understand that the state of our marriage is my responsibility as much as it was his, but is it now? I have tried to be loving and affectionate and supportive and a good wife again but when I slip and have a bad day it ALL goes to ***T! At first I could let it go and be content that I put my thoughts and feelings out there and was able to hold it in for a while again, and even enjoy the good times we had, now it is everyday that I feel anxious, angry, hurt, and hopeless. I am moving backwards instead of forwards? Husband has been very little help...he is good to me as long as he thinks I am doing ok but other wise distant and uncaring, and when the blow up comes...Down right MEAN, saying incredibly hurtful things and so willing to give up??? I can't seem to give up tho. With our three kids and the life I have helped build and the effort I have put into the last 10 years, how do you walk away?? At this point I don't want to move on with another person or another life, but I cant seem to get this one right.
There is so much that I know I have left out and this is just a confusing, random rant that probably only I can understand, hopefully it helps.
Put the internet to work for you.
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