Hello All,
I will try to be as succinct as possible, but this has been going on for almost a year so bear with me.....please.
The vitals, DW is gorgeous, checked out often looks about 10 years younger, works out regularly, hit on frequently. Been married over 10 years and has always had a "freaky side" which I have loved and benefited from:). Have talked about being "open" and I have been into the taboo of swinging which we have discussed a lot for probably the past 5 years or so. I also told her, given her appearance, that if she wanted to do something while out, I would understand and not be mad, just more realistic and wanted to know all the details:).
Fast forward to a couple of significant nights within the past two years where she really, and I mean really, enjoyed the attention of a couple of different guys while out with GF's. She discovered that she not only enjoyed it, but felt that she "needed" it. This led to the meeting of a familiar face while out this past summer, again while out with GF's. This was different though as she later told me she was tremendously turned on and wanted to "do stuff", but didn't. When later told I cautioned her against the need to further this and that it may lead to something bigger than I wanted. I told her I will support her, but I was more comfortable from the sexual angle, she was more into the FWB angle. Considering we are each others admitted best friend, I find it odd that she needed this too. They had a couple of interactions and then it cooled throughout the winter only recently to start back up.
Now we are really at a crossroads as I have bent over backwards to accommodate her blossoming "friendship"-she bristles at the relationship angle, and is telling me how she is sorry for it all and that she doesn't want to want it, but she does. She feels that she cannot make me happy in this regard and after a long discussion on Saturday evening, chose to contact when hanging with me. She gives me access to her phone, but I have to search on gut instinct some of the times, rather than her just telling me upfront. I told her this is one of the main things that bothers me, and then she did the exact same thing later on Saturday.
Her continuing communication and lack of focus on me at times has really made me examine exactly how I feel about us. I have told her that I have never felt the desire I feel to stop being intimate with her. She has told me that she feels she doesn't deserve me in that I'm hot-her words, she has coworkers/friends tell her how perfect-and hot-their words, I am and instead of it lifting her up, she tells me it makes her feel more and more guilty about not being able to make somebody like me deserving. In short, she feels like a terrible wife and doesn't feel like she deserves me and can't stop wanting this outside attention. She feels like there is something "wrong with her". It kills me to see her, and us, like this because before this angle started, we I think felt we could withstand anything because of our love and friendship with one another. I have read the forums for months and they were quite helpful in the fall, but now I am looking for help and guidance because I am worried, scared and sad. You may wonder why I'm not mad.........it is a shared responsibility thing, we've talked about being open, read stories, even gone to a couple of events, so I am by no means innocent in the current state. One could even say objectively that I, not her, got us into thinking this way years back. Unfortunately leading to this position.
Thanks in advance to anyone reading and responding, I am especially hoping the experienced members have some good advice. Yes, we have both been in counseling-separately.
I will try to be as succinct as possible, but this has been going on for almost a year so bear with me.....please.
The vitals, DW is gorgeous, checked out often looks about 10 years younger, works out regularly, hit on frequently. Been married over 10 years and has always had a "freaky side" which I have loved and benefited from:). Have talked about being "open" and I have been into the taboo of swinging which we have discussed a lot for probably the past 5 years or so. I also told her, given her appearance, that if she wanted to do something while out, I would understand and not be mad, just more realistic and wanted to know all the details:).
Fast forward to a couple of significant nights within the past two years where she really, and I mean really, enjoyed the attention of a couple of different guys while out with GF's. She discovered that she not only enjoyed it, but felt that she "needed" it. This led to the meeting of a familiar face while out this past summer, again while out with GF's. This was different though as she later told me she was tremendously turned on and wanted to "do stuff", but didn't. When later told I cautioned her against the need to further this and that it may lead to something bigger than I wanted. I told her I will support her, but I was more comfortable from the sexual angle, she was more into the FWB angle. Considering we are each others admitted best friend, I find it odd that she needed this too. They had a couple of interactions and then it cooled throughout the winter only recently to start back up.
Now we are really at a crossroads as I have bent over backwards to accommodate her blossoming "friendship"-she bristles at the relationship angle, and is telling me how she is sorry for it all and that she doesn't want to want it, but she does. She feels that she cannot make me happy in this regard and after a long discussion on Saturday evening, chose to contact when hanging with me. She gives me access to her phone, but I have to search on gut instinct some of the times, rather than her just telling me upfront. I told her this is one of the main things that bothers me, and then she did the exact same thing later on Saturday.
Her continuing communication and lack of focus on me at times has really made me examine exactly how I feel about us. I have told her that I have never felt the desire I feel to stop being intimate with her. She has told me that she feels she doesn't deserve me in that I'm hot-her words, she has coworkers/friends tell her how perfect-and hot-their words, I am and instead of it lifting her up, she tells me it makes her feel more and more guilty about not being able to make somebody like me deserving. In short, she feels like a terrible wife and doesn't feel like she deserves me and can't stop wanting this outside attention. She feels like there is something "wrong with her". It kills me to see her, and us, like this because before this angle started, we I think felt we could withstand anything because of our love and friendship with one another. I have read the forums for months and they were quite helpful in the fall, but now I am looking for help and guidance because I am worried, scared and sad. You may wonder why I'm not mad.........it is a shared responsibility thing, we've talked about being open, read stories, even gone to a couple of events, so I am by no means innocent in the current state. One could even say objectively that I, not her, got us into thinking this way years back. Unfortunately leading to this position.
Thanks in advance to anyone reading and responding, I am especially hoping the experienced members have some good advice. Yes, we have both been in counseling-separately.
Put the internet to work for you.
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