I need help in coming up with boundaries and coping strategies to deal with my oldest sister during two family events... I am already shaking and ready to cry just from having spent time with her over thanksgiving.
There are 4 of us left, I am the youngest she is the oldest. We all live in the same town, we all have kids about the same age and the kids really really enjoy the big family gatherings. If it wasn't for the kids, I'd have written her ass off completely already!
We don't speak to each other and in my perfect world we would always be in different rooms when attending family gatherings. She is a shamer, a discounter and a bully. She will say and do things, --three years after I declared I wanted no further relationship with her and prefer that we pretend we don't even see each other-- just to dig at me. She will pretend all sorts of civility and sweetness just to get in my face and bully me into a response.
Specifically, I have trouble asserting myself with her. She makes me so angry I literally feel sick and can feel my eyes well up with tears...which is the WRONG thing to do with her!
She will make a big show of greeting me specifically by name. Big deal right? In our family when you say someone's name it is to drive home an angry point or to get their attention, it is not used casually. Thus leaving me in a precarious spot. Do I ignore her, as I had requested we do? Do I respond and greet her back? My BFF suggested I tell her to F-off...kinda like that idea.
"Hello Anon". "F-off , sister"... That would certainly set the tone!
During a gathering, she will bluster into any conversation and simply take over. She has done this to me thousands of times, I used to fight back, then got burned so now I retreat. That's not working either. Yes it is normal for people to jump into and out of conversations at a group gathering, but she simply takes over. And there have been more than a few times where it felt like she was following me JUST to jump in and take over.
Depending on the circumstance I could literally hold up my hand and say "wait your turn. I'm still talking here." But her response will be something snarky like, "oh, I didn't know we had to raise our hands to talk," or "okay, let me know when YOU say it's okay"
Now that my husband has been trying to be supportive and all that nice stuff, I'd like to enlist his help in deflecting her and defending me during these gatherings. But have absolutely no idea what to ask him to do, or say. We've talked many times about how my family tends to treat me and although he says he has defended me, Ummm he hasn't. Not joining in with them is not defending me! Do you think it is too much to ask him that he actively defend me? For instance if my sister jumps into and takes over a conversation, would it be his place to deflect her, or should that come from me? What about her snarky response? Should he call he on that?
Lastly, should I come up with ground rule I wish for us both to abide by during family events? Any thoughts on that?
I wish we could just go to the islands for Christmas and the family be dammed!
There are 4 of us left, I am the youngest she is the oldest. We all live in the same town, we all have kids about the same age and the kids really really enjoy the big family gatherings. If it wasn't for the kids, I'd have written her ass off completely already!
We don't speak to each other and in my perfect world we would always be in different rooms when attending family gatherings. She is a shamer, a discounter and a bully. She will say and do things, --three years after I declared I wanted no further relationship with her and prefer that we pretend we don't even see each other-- just to dig at me. She will pretend all sorts of civility and sweetness just to get in my face and bully me into a response.
Specifically, I have trouble asserting myself with her. She makes me so angry I literally feel sick and can feel my eyes well up with tears...which is the WRONG thing to do with her!
She will make a big show of greeting me specifically by name. Big deal right? In our family when you say someone's name it is to drive home an angry point or to get their attention, it is not used casually. Thus leaving me in a precarious spot. Do I ignore her, as I had requested we do? Do I respond and greet her back? My BFF suggested I tell her to F-off...kinda like that idea.
"Hello Anon". "F-off , sister"... That would certainly set the tone!
During a gathering, she will bluster into any conversation and simply take over. She has done this to me thousands of times, I used to fight back, then got burned so now I retreat. That's not working either. Yes it is normal for people to jump into and out of conversations at a group gathering, but she simply takes over. And there have been more than a few times where it felt like she was following me JUST to jump in and take over.
Depending on the circumstance I could literally hold up my hand and say "wait your turn. I'm still talking here." But her response will be something snarky like, "oh, I didn't know we had to raise our hands to talk," or "okay, let me know when YOU say it's okay"
Now that my husband has been trying to be supportive and all that nice stuff, I'd like to enlist his help in deflecting her and defending me during these gatherings. But have absolutely no idea what to ask him to do, or say. We've talked many times about how my family tends to treat me and although he says he has defended me, Ummm he hasn't. Not joining in with them is not defending me! Do you think it is too much to ask him that he actively defend me? For instance if my sister jumps into and takes over a conversation, would it be his place to deflect her, or should that come from me? What about her snarky response? Should he call he on that?
Lastly, should I come up with ground rule I wish for us both to abide by during family events? Any thoughts on that?
I wish we could just go to the islands for Christmas and the family be dammed!
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