My wife and I have been married for a little over 5 years now. For the first 4.5 years we had a difficult marriage, due to some life decisions that we had made. My wife is a lawyer and got a big firm job right out of law school, but became pregnant with our first child almost right away after graduation. When my first daughter was born my wife begged me to quit my job and go back to school full time so that I would have better job prospects with a degree under my belt and me having ten years work experience In the Army and as a government contractor.
We were living in the DC area at the time, though both of us and our families are from the Boston area. So we had little help, and struggled with her loans, which were enormous, and the fact that I pretty much had to do all my work at night after she came home from work, leaving little time for us.
Soon after I started as a stay at home dad/full time student, she told me she wanted me to get a job again, because she could not respect me as a man if I was not taking care of the family. Unfortunately, the job market took a huge turn around that time, and I could not get hired. The reason cited was my lack of a Degree more often than not. This would happen every 6 months or so, with the same results when I would put in serious time job searching.
In addition to not having a job, it weighed on her that I did not go to bed at the same time as her, often working on my school work, or trying to write (night time was often the only time I had.) But even when I did go to bed with her, there would never be any intimacy or sexual activity. She was too tired, or not interested, or "not there yet" as she would put it.
Several times I would bring up counceling but she was never interested.
After two and a half years (and four years of marriage) we had just had another child during a highpoint in our relationship, and she decided that she really wanted to move back to the Boston area. I was fine with this when I thought she would be taking a job with a similar pay scale, but instead she took the first job offered to her at half the salary she would have been making at her old firm, with the expectation that I would just find a job, maybe teach or something. While I had little interest in teaching, I figured it would give me plenty of time to write on the side, and flexibility to take care of my kids.
I graduated three months into her new job, and she was thrust into a major case which demanded a lot of time; time that we did not think would be required at such a low paying firm. Around that time she began to act more and more irritated with me, and my lack of a job, specifically a "professional" job, with a suit and tie.
I will be honest, I did not know what I wanted to do as far as a career choice upon graduating; my main concern was trying to find a job that I could afford to put my kids in day care with, and pay off my loans.
My wife started her job January 1st. During Memorial day weekend my wife had just finished up with her big case. And that weekend she told me that she had kissed the Partner that she was working with on the case. She had told me it was just the one time and that it would never happen again, but that, at the same time she was not happy in our marriage. We had a fight, but decided to work on our marriage. I started looking at a wider range of job through many agencies, and I began the process to apply for law school. Though I never really care much for being a lawyer, it was a career that had many options, and it was not a career path that I had any problem with. It is just expensive schooling, both in money and in time. Plus I knew I would have to be working at the same time.
Within a few weeks, She came to me to tell me that she had cheated on me again with the same Partner. Again she said that nothing serious happened, and it was mostly an emotional affair anyhow. None of which made me feel any better. But she promised to put an actual effort into our marriage.
But my trust in her was already completely gone. I started to monitor her text messages, emails, and phone calls. And though I never checked her phone in front of her, She changed her phone password to keep me out. She said she wanted privacy. It took me a day to figure out her password. And I found that she was texting the Partner at her firm (who was on his honeymoon) constantly, and with a lot of "I miss you" and "I can't wait to see you again" type of talk.
I was just devastated. I had reached a point in July where I just decided to talk to the man's wife, and let her know.
It did not go well.
She told me that I had problems and that I needed to get help. She then told her husband, who told my wife, and we had another low point. She told ME that she could not TRUST ME anymore. That she was afraid that I would cause her to lose her job. But again we agreed to try to work things out. And something that is ridiculous is that she said she made the whole thing up to get my attention. To make me take her seriously.
I didn't believe her, but things started to go well after that. Really well. I felt that our relationship was at a high point after a long time being at such a low point.
But then in September, it all started up again. I noticed a change in her behavior, lying about who she was talking/texting to, and having crazy sex one night, to being very hands off for days at a time. So again I checked up on her.
What I found made me shake in agony. These text were far more provacotive than the texts from the beginning of the summer. And then one day I noticed her taking a call in our bedroom with the door closed and the lights off. She said it was her female friend from work, but call logs from our provider said otherwise. I set a recording device in our room, and when she fell asleep, I read her texts from that night, and listened to the conversation. It was clear to me that they had definately moved from Emotional Affair, to Physical Affair as well.
When I confronted her about everything, she still had the nerve to deny it. But eventually she relented and admitted that yes, she had been fooling around with him, but they never had sex. Again, not consoling to think of another man trying to pleasure my wife, and her with him. Eventually, I gave this one last try. One last chance.
And this time I placed a call to the man that she was cheating with. I told him about what evidence I had, and if he came near my wife again, I will go to his wife. And after meeting his wife, I knew that if she ever thought he was cheating on her, she would tear him apart. He agreed to my terms.
Again, though, my wife recanted her admission to cheating, and we started to really work things out.
But then just last night, I noticed a behavior change again. I immediately checked her texts, and found that she had told the Partner that she had been thinking about him all night, and that she wished she was with him that night. He asked her to come over his house around 7.
As soon as I saw this I texted him to tell her to not meet him, and not to text him anything inappropriate anymore. Which he did. But this time he told my wife about our conversation, saying that he think that I am unhinged, and that he may take action through there HR department about me if I keep contacting him about this alleged affair. And that she was just going to give him a ride to work while they talked about a case. But honestly I don't care. He lives near a train stop that gets off near their work. He doesn't need a ride. And they can talk about work at work... that is what work is for.
She still maintains that nothing has ever happened between them, and that if I keep this type of stuff up I will ruin her career and our marriage. She also said that I am two-faced, pretending that everything is fine when I did not feel it was, and that I should have gone to her first. But I am tired of catching her in lies of where she is going and who she is with. And yes, maybe I am two faced now, but I maintain that I was driven to this point.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I love my wife. And I know that she loves me. But I just don't know what I can do. I still have no job, I am the primary care giver of our two children, and I don't know if divorce is even worth it at this moment. I don't think that she was doing anything with him this time. But I know that things would have escalated, so I do believe that I was in the right this time too.
This isn't exactly asking for advice, I really just needed to share my story. One way or another things with be decided. Whether or not this leads to divorce... I just don't know. I still want things to work out, I just have no faith in us anymore, or trust in her.
Thanks for listening.
We were living in the DC area at the time, though both of us and our families are from the Boston area. So we had little help, and struggled with her loans, which were enormous, and the fact that I pretty much had to do all my work at night after she came home from work, leaving little time for us.
Soon after I started as a stay at home dad/full time student, she told me she wanted me to get a job again, because she could not respect me as a man if I was not taking care of the family. Unfortunately, the job market took a huge turn around that time, and I could not get hired. The reason cited was my lack of a Degree more often than not. This would happen every 6 months or so, with the same results when I would put in serious time job searching.
In addition to not having a job, it weighed on her that I did not go to bed at the same time as her, often working on my school work, or trying to write (night time was often the only time I had.) But even when I did go to bed with her, there would never be any intimacy or sexual activity. She was too tired, or not interested, or "not there yet" as she would put it.
Several times I would bring up counceling but she was never interested.
After two and a half years (and four years of marriage) we had just had another child during a highpoint in our relationship, and she decided that she really wanted to move back to the Boston area. I was fine with this when I thought she would be taking a job with a similar pay scale, but instead she took the first job offered to her at half the salary she would have been making at her old firm, with the expectation that I would just find a job, maybe teach or something. While I had little interest in teaching, I figured it would give me plenty of time to write on the side, and flexibility to take care of my kids.
I graduated three months into her new job, and she was thrust into a major case which demanded a lot of time; time that we did not think would be required at such a low paying firm. Around that time she began to act more and more irritated with me, and my lack of a job, specifically a "professional" job, with a suit and tie.
I will be honest, I did not know what I wanted to do as far as a career choice upon graduating; my main concern was trying to find a job that I could afford to put my kids in day care with, and pay off my loans.
My wife started her job January 1st. During Memorial day weekend my wife had just finished up with her big case. And that weekend she told me that she had kissed the Partner that she was working with on the case. She had told me it was just the one time and that it would never happen again, but that, at the same time she was not happy in our marriage. We had a fight, but decided to work on our marriage. I started looking at a wider range of job through many agencies, and I began the process to apply for law school. Though I never really care much for being a lawyer, it was a career that had many options, and it was not a career path that I had any problem with. It is just expensive schooling, both in money and in time. Plus I knew I would have to be working at the same time.
Within a few weeks, She came to me to tell me that she had cheated on me again with the same Partner. Again she said that nothing serious happened, and it was mostly an emotional affair anyhow. None of which made me feel any better. But she promised to put an actual effort into our marriage.
But my trust in her was already completely gone. I started to monitor her text messages, emails, and phone calls. And though I never checked her phone in front of her, She changed her phone password to keep me out. She said she wanted privacy. It took me a day to figure out her password. And I found that she was texting the Partner at her firm (who was on his honeymoon) constantly, and with a lot of "I miss you" and "I can't wait to see you again" type of talk.
I was just devastated. I had reached a point in July where I just decided to talk to the man's wife, and let her know.
It did not go well.
She told me that I had problems and that I needed to get help. She then told her husband, who told my wife, and we had another low point. She told ME that she could not TRUST ME anymore. That she was afraid that I would cause her to lose her job. But again we agreed to try to work things out. And something that is ridiculous is that she said she made the whole thing up to get my attention. To make me take her seriously.
I didn't believe her, but things started to go well after that. Really well. I felt that our relationship was at a high point after a long time being at such a low point.
But then in September, it all started up again. I noticed a change in her behavior, lying about who she was talking/texting to, and having crazy sex one night, to being very hands off for days at a time. So again I checked up on her.
What I found made me shake in agony. These text were far more provacotive than the texts from the beginning of the summer. And then one day I noticed her taking a call in our bedroom with the door closed and the lights off. She said it was her female friend from work, but call logs from our provider said otherwise. I set a recording device in our room, and when she fell asleep, I read her texts from that night, and listened to the conversation. It was clear to me that they had definately moved from Emotional Affair, to Physical Affair as well.
When I confronted her about everything, she still had the nerve to deny it. But eventually she relented and admitted that yes, she had been fooling around with him, but they never had sex. Again, not consoling to think of another man trying to pleasure my wife, and her with him. Eventually, I gave this one last try. One last chance.
And this time I placed a call to the man that she was cheating with. I told him about what evidence I had, and if he came near my wife again, I will go to his wife. And after meeting his wife, I knew that if she ever thought he was cheating on her, she would tear him apart. He agreed to my terms.
Again, though, my wife recanted her admission to cheating, and we started to really work things out.
But then just last night, I noticed a behavior change again. I immediately checked her texts, and found that she had told the Partner that she had been thinking about him all night, and that she wished she was with him that night. He asked her to come over his house around 7.
As soon as I saw this I texted him to tell her to not meet him, and not to text him anything inappropriate anymore. Which he did. But this time he told my wife about our conversation, saying that he think that I am unhinged, and that he may take action through there HR department about me if I keep contacting him about this alleged affair. And that she was just going to give him a ride to work while they talked about a case. But honestly I don't care. He lives near a train stop that gets off near their work. He doesn't need a ride. And they can talk about work at work... that is what work is for.
She still maintains that nothing has ever happened between them, and that if I keep this type of stuff up I will ruin her career and our marriage. She also said that I am two-faced, pretending that everything is fine when I did not feel it was, and that I should have gone to her first. But I am tired of catching her in lies of where she is going and who she is with. And yes, maybe I am two faced now, but I maintain that I was driven to this point.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I love my wife. And I know that she loves me. But I just don't know what I can do. I still have no job, I am the primary care giver of our two children, and I don't know if divorce is even worth it at this moment. I don't think that she was doing anything with him this time. But I know that things would have escalated, so I do believe that I was in the right this time too.
This isn't exactly asking for advice, I really just needed to share my story. One way or another things with be decided. Whether or not this leads to divorce... I just don't know. I still want things to work out, I just have no faith in us anymore, or trust in her.
Thanks for listening.
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