i made a few posts back in may and haven't been on here much since then; mostly i've just been lurking here and then.
my situation is now that i'm separated from my husband. have been since the middle of october. mostly this is just going to be a post to sort of some of my frustrations and maybe call on anybody else who's going through/has gone through something similar.
my H used to be a wonderfully sweet and caring guy. very calm, rarely angry and when he did get angry he was still pretty level-headed about it. we never had any big conflicts or huge fights until a month before we got married, and that was the first time i ever saw any kind of abusive behavior from him; it was incredibly shocking and it caught me off guard to say the least.
ever since then it's just been downhill. he is ex-military and has officially been diagnosed with moderate depression. no official diagnosis of PTSD but i often wonder about it. it took him quite some time to find a job after separating from the military, and he is currently out of work and has been since may, because he has no drive or motivation to get a job, i guess due to the depression.
i've known for almost a year now that he has depression and it's taken just about this long for him to actually admit that and seek some help for it. he was diagnosed about 2 weeks ago and was put on 10 mg of lexapro daily. i'm living with my parents currently and he is at our old apartment, so i really don't know if he's been taking the meds responsibly but i haven't interacted with him enough to notice a difference.
it's gotten to the point where although we interact and see each other every other day or so, it feels very hollow and fake and just weird. i'm still walking on eggshells because there are certain topics i can't bring up lest i be A. screamed at, B. insulted and called names, C. ignored completely, or D. all of the above. i suppose i would have to bring up one of the forbidden subjects and see how he reacts to actually see if the meds were working. but i don't believe his issues are something that can be fixed with meds alone anyway. i'm sure some of it may be exacerbated by the depression, but for the most part i believe he is simply habitually emotionally abusive.
mostly i just find myself confused because he doesn't necessarily fit the classic abuser type or pattern. there isn't much of a cycle of abuse because there has never been a honeymoon period. i believe this is because he genuinely doesn't feel that anything he does is wrong. every malicious word is completely justified and if he said it then i must have done something to warrant it. as such, he has never felt the need to apologize or placate me with flowers or love letters or anything like that.
he's also never really tried to isolate me from friends or family. we lived with my family for a short period of time after we got married when we were in between apartments and trying to find one we could afford. even now, our (his) apartment is a 30 second drive from my parents' house.
he is not really the controlling type either. if anything i'm the more controlling one in the relationship, and i control the money because he can't be responsible with it. he's never tried to control my friendships, where i go, what i wear, etc.
mostly he's just mean. really, really mean. and it's so incredibly confusing because i can't ever tell if he's being truthful when he's angry, or being truthful afterwards when he says he didn't really mean any of what he said. he is so quick to bring up divorce in almost every argument, and then the next day when he realizes i've taken him seriously he acts as though i'm ridiculous for believing it.
i guess i just don't know if i should expect the depression meds to even do any good or not. and i know i need to sit him down and have a talk about where this relationship is going, because at the moment we're not working towards any sort of common goal; just living separate lives that intersect sometimes. normally the minute he senses any kind of serious talk coming, he'll shut down. and i guess if he does that, then i have my answer about ever being able to work anything out.
sorry for the long post. i don't have a lot of outlets for this stuff and when i find one it tends to just all pour out.
my situation is now that i'm separated from my husband. have been since the middle of october. mostly this is just going to be a post to sort of some of my frustrations and maybe call on anybody else who's going through/has gone through something similar.
my H used to be a wonderfully sweet and caring guy. very calm, rarely angry and when he did get angry he was still pretty level-headed about it. we never had any big conflicts or huge fights until a month before we got married, and that was the first time i ever saw any kind of abusive behavior from him; it was incredibly shocking and it caught me off guard to say the least.
ever since then it's just been downhill. he is ex-military and has officially been diagnosed with moderate depression. no official diagnosis of PTSD but i often wonder about it. it took him quite some time to find a job after separating from the military, and he is currently out of work and has been since may, because he has no drive or motivation to get a job, i guess due to the depression.
i've known for almost a year now that he has depression and it's taken just about this long for him to actually admit that and seek some help for it. he was diagnosed about 2 weeks ago and was put on 10 mg of lexapro daily. i'm living with my parents currently and he is at our old apartment, so i really don't know if he's been taking the meds responsibly but i haven't interacted with him enough to notice a difference.
it's gotten to the point where although we interact and see each other every other day or so, it feels very hollow and fake and just weird. i'm still walking on eggshells because there are certain topics i can't bring up lest i be A. screamed at, B. insulted and called names, C. ignored completely, or D. all of the above. i suppose i would have to bring up one of the forbidden subjects and see how he reacts to actually see if the meds were working. but i don't believe his issues are something that can be fixed with meds alone anyway. i'm sure some of it may be exacerbated by the depression, but for the most part i believe he is simply habitually emotionally abusive.
mostly i just find myself confused because he doesn't necessarily fit the classic abuser type or pattern. there isn't much of a cycle of abuse because there has never been a honeymoon period. i believe this is because he genuinely doesn't feel that anything he does is wrong. every malicious word is completely justified and if he said it then i must have done something to warrant it. as such, he has never felt the need to apologize or placate me with flowers or love letters or anything like that.
he's also never really tried to isolate me from friends or family. we lived with my family for a short period of time after we got married when we were in between apartments and trying to find one we could afford. even now, our (his) apartment is a 30 second drive from my parents' house.
he is not really the controlling type either. if anything i'm the more controlling one in the relationship, and i control the money because he can't be responsible with it. he's never tried to control my friendships, where i go, what i wear, etc.
mostly he's just mean. really, really mean. and it's so incredibly confusing because i can't ever tell if he's being truthful when he's angry, or being truthful afterwards when he says he didn't really mean any of what he said. he is so quick to bring up divorce in almost every argument, and then the next day when he realizes i've taken him seriously he acts as though i'm ridiculous for believing it.
i guess i just don't know if i should expect the depression meds to even do any good or not. and i know i need to sit him down and have a talk about where this relationship is going, because at the moment we're not working towards any sort of common goal; just living separate lives that intersect sometimes. normally the minute he senses any kind of serious talk coming, he'll shut down. and i guess if he does that, then i have my answer about ever being able to work anything out.
sorry for the long post. i don't have a lot of outlets for this stuff and when i find one it tends to just all pour out.
Put the internet to work for you.
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