Hi folks,
Well, I apologize up front for a long incoming post. I am hoping when you read my story, someone out there might have insight and help me.
I have been married for 27 years. I was 18 when I got married in '86. I was a young girl and in the life of the marriage I "grew". I came to want more out of my life than being first a daughter then a wife then a mother. I married the man that took me away from a horrible home life with my mother and step dad and gave me just enough emotional support to keep me. I was satisfied with that for a long time.
But then I changed. Not him...ME. I decided to go to school. I became an LPN then after a year decided I wanted more..so college here I come...at 40. I graduated and got an amazing job. The thing is...the real problem didn't go away. I have always been a romantic. Touchy feely type. I need words and action..I suppressed those needs for years and years...but I can't anymore.
Having lived through my mothers 3 marriages and divorce..I swore to myself that I wouldn't fight in front of my kids, and I didn't..not once. It wasn't difficult because my husband is a "go with the flow" kinda guy. If you say nothing...nothing is wrong...even though that certainly is NOT the case. Things went on for years. Now at 46, I question how much more loneliness I can cope with.
I apologize for dumping this on whomever chooses to read it, but I am so lost right now. I told my husband I wanted a divorce, that I needed "more". Then the guilt set in. Our entire marriage, I have been the "fixer". If something needed done..I am a now person..he isn't. Life waits for him. It made for a good partnership, but there came a point when I didn't want to be the leader anymore. As a RN, I lead in my profession..I need someone else to lead in my personal life. But sadly I trained my family well. I have always been the person they could count on, so now I'm stuck with it
My children are grown..but not out of the house. It makes it so hard to leave. The house was built by my husband and his family. I have noone. But I'm not afraid...I just am wracked with guilt. My oldest son (26) talked to me for hours when I asked for the divorce and because of that, I backed off. But now again I am in such loneliness. I couldn't tell him that my love for his dad has died. That I will always care for his father..but that the desire is gone. I let it die right along with my husband.
So now I have to deal with the fact that things are just as they were and all I want to do is run run run away.
How do I deal with wanting to put my needs above my kids' needs for the first time in my life?
If you made it this far, please give me your honest opinion, even if it hurts to hear and thank you.
Well, I apologize up front for a long incoming post. I am hoping when you read my story, someone out there might have insight and help me.
I have been married for 27 years. I was 18 when I got married in '86. I was a young girl and in the life of the marriage I "grew". I came to want more out of my life than being first a daughter then a wife then a mother. I married the man that took me away from a horrible home life with my mother and step dad and gave me just enough emotional support to keep me. I was satisfied with that for a long time.
But then I changed. Not him...ME. I decided to go to school. I became an LPN then after a year decided I wanted more..so college here I come...at 40. I graduated and got an amazing job. The thing is...the real problem didn't go away. I have always been a romantic. Touchy feely type. I need words and action..I suppressed those needs for years and years...but I can't anymore.
Having lived through my mothers 3 marriages and divorce..I swore to myself that I wouldn't fight in front of my kids, and I didn't..not once. It wasn't difficult because my husband is a "go with the flow" kinda guy. If you say nothing...nothing is wrong...even though that certainly is NOT the case. Things went on for years. Now at 46, I question how much more loneliness I can cope with.
I apologize for dumping this on whomever chooses to read it, but I am so lost right now. I told my husband I wanted a divorce, that I needed "more". Then the guilt set in. Our entire marriage, I have been the "fixer". If something needed done..I am a now person..he isn't. Life waits for him. It made for a good partnership, but there came a point when I didn't want to be the leader anymore. As a RN, I lead in my profession..I need someone else to lead in my personal life. But sadly I trained my family well. I have always been the person they could count on, so now I'm stuck with it
My children are grown..but not out of the house. It makes it so hard to leave. The house was built by my husband and his family. I have noone. But I'm not afraid...I just am wracked with guilt. My oldest son (26) talked to me for hours when I asked for the divorce and because of that, I backed off. But now again I am in such loneliness. I couldn't tell him that my love for his dad has died. That I will always care for his father..but that the desire is gone. I let it die right along with my husband.
So now I have to deal with the fact that things are just as they were and all I want to do is run run run away.
How do I deal with wanting to put my needs above my kids' needs for the first time in my life?
If you made it this far, please give me your honest opinion, even if it hurts to hear and thank you.
Put the internet to work for you.
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