I woke up on new year's eve morning and could not stop crying. My H asked what's wrong and all I could say was " I don't know how to fix this marriage, I don't know how to fix myself."
That morning, we talked for hours. We went back to our dating, early marriage years and mistake we both made. I admitted all wrong doings, so did he. He actually agreed about things he never did before. I mentioned how safe I was with him after growing up in alcoholic family and then in my own abusive marriage. We both cried after all.
He told me he feels that I want to leave. I said I want to love him but I don't know how to make myself to feel what I felt before. I said I still love him but it is different kind of love and asking him to help me to fall for him again seems very selfish.
He asked me if he can trust me, if there will be nobody ever.
I told him - he can't. I could not tell him he can trust me because I know what he does not. He said that if I leave him now - it will hurt him a lot less than pain he would feel if I ever cheated on him. He said he could not deal with it.
And there it was - my answer for all of it. I guess, there is no way back for us. My chest is hurting by knowing what I have done already.
Since that moment, I could not stop crying. No matter what we did to each other before, it is me who killed this marriage and he did not deserve it at all.
I feel completely lost. I want him to be happy but if I stay and work on our marriage - it will be a lie - without telling him what I have done.
By telling him the truth - I will hurt him more than when I leave without saying it.
When I look at my husband, when I imagine divorce - it feels like something died. There is this terrible emptiness. I wish I could take all of his pain off of his mind and carry it, because he does not deserve it.
Is there anything I can do at this point?
That morning, we talked for hours. We went back to our dating, early marriage years and mistake we both made. I admitted all wrong doings, so did he. He actually agreed about things he never did before. I mentioned how safe I was with him after growing up in alcoholic family and then in my own abusive marriage. We both cried after all.
He told me he feels that I want to leave. I said I want to love him but I don't know how to make myself to feel what I felt before. I said I still love him but it is different kind of love and asking him to help me to fall for him again seems very selfish.
He asked me if he can trust me, if there will be nobody ever.
I told him - he can't. I could not tell him he can trust me because I know what he does not. He said that if I leave him now - it will hurt him a lot less than pain he would feel if I ever cheated on him. He said he could not deal with it.
And there it was - my answer for all of it. I guess, there is no way back for us. My chest is hurting by knowing what I have done already.
Since that moment, I could not stop crying. No matter what we did to each other before, it is me who killed this marriage and he did not deserve it at all.
I feel completely lost. I want him to be happy but if I stay and work on our marriage - it will be a lie - without telling him what I have done.
By telling him the truth - I will hurt him more than when I leave without saying it.
When I look at my husband, when I imagine divorce - it feels like something died. There is this terrible emptiness. I wish I could take all of his pain off of his mind and carry it, because he does not deserve it.
Is there anything I can do at this point?
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