Hope it's not too boring to do this here.
I've talked to therapists, been through that and know what things I should be doing - like probably trying some forms of medication for depression, but for some reason they frighten me. I don't like the idea. But they do seem so common these days, maybe they'd help. I need a change in attitude. Everything is a mess, although on the outside it might appear everything should be fine it's really not.
I'm gainfully employed, in a job I enjoy, married to a woman that loves me, that I love, with two healthy smart kids, with a nice home. But there is where the issues start. My home inside is a cluttered disaster. Neither my stay at home wife nor me does much in the way of keeping the house in order. I've basically given up trying. It may sound like I'm pointing fingers at her, but I can't help it. Her office, almost impassible now. And the times in the past that I've tried to clean it up it starts fights because I'm not putting stuff in the right places. Or throwing away the wrong things. Or filing things incorrectly. The kitchen counters, always covered with 'stuff'. I've tried in the past to keep up with things, but lately I've just given up - in an attempt to see how far it will go. She spends so very much time on her iPad - on Facebook, playing games. And I'm such a weakling for not fighting with her more often to make it change. I hate fighting and hate the stress. (Yes, I know this is also stress) But I've tried the fights, too, and we'll have the fight , things may change for a week, but then they'll just go back to the way they were. We're both battling some for of depression I'm almost certain. I'm just more aware of it. She'll never want to admit or talk about it. The one time we both spoke to a therapist together it was a disaster. We got sidetracked about paying bills and that turned into me opening them so she can pay them. So now whenever the bills don't get paid on time it's my fault. And we get calls from bill collectors. Because she won't pay med bills without the med card from work which runs out often - but that money is nothing special; not pre-tax or anything, it's just money put in from my employer quarterly. But I cannot get it through to her. So I need to begin doing the bills myself, really. One less job for her. BUT now I can't bring this up right now as a good friend of mine has asked me for some help to get him through a separation. Me taking over the bills at this moment will obviously be interpreted as something to do with that.
And I feel I have no place to talk about all this stuff. My friends all have their own problems and I'm sure are tired of hearing it, I certainly am not going to mention my true emotional state on something like Facebook (which she's on all the time) and I have very few real friends around anyhow. This is all bottled up inside me all the time. There's a good reason my blood pressure is now being regulated with meds.
It's sad that I know what I need to do - exercise, clean my house, stand up for myself, talk to a therapist, try meds, but nothing gets done. I don't change. Day in and day out I stay the same. The other morning I finally made love to my wife after weeks of rejection and I cried afterward. How pathetic. All I wanted was to be with her in that way during our holiday vacation to Florida maybe once, but it never happened. How can she think all is well when I tell her it's not and it seems so obvious that it's not? I know, denial isn't just a river in Egypt.
Wow, that was probably pretty incoherent and just felt like a memory dump. Sorry about that, but this all hurts like a mofo.
I've talked to therapists, been through that and know what things I should be doing - like probably trying some forms of medication for depression, but for some reason they frighten me. I don't like the idea. But they do seem so common these days, maybe they'd help. I need a change in attitude. Everything is a mess, although on the outside it might appear everything should be fine it's really not.
I'm gainfully employed, in a job I enjoy, married to a woman that loves me, that I love, with two healthy smart kids, with a nice home. But there is where the issues start. My home inside is a cluttered disaster. Neither my stay at home wife nor me does much in the way of keeping the house in order. I've basically given up trying. It may sound like I'm pointing fingers at her, but I can't help it. Her office, almost impassible now. And the times in the past that I've tried to clean it up it starts fights because I'm not putting stuff in the right places. Or throwing away the wrong things. Or filing things incorrectly. The kitchen counters, always covered with 'stuff'. I've tried in the past to keep up with things, but lately I've just given up - in an attempt to see how far it will go. She spends so very much time on her iPad - on Facebook, playing games. And I'm such a weakling for not fighting with her more often to make it change. I hate fighting and hate the stress. (Yes, I know this is also stress) But I've tried the fights, too, and we'll have the fight , things may change for a week, but then they'll just go back to the way they were. We're both battling some for of depression I'm almost certain. I'm just more aware of it. She'll never want to admit or talk about it. The one time we both spoke to a therapist together it was a disaster. We got sidetracked about paying bills and that turned into me opening them so she can pay them. So now whenever the bills don't get paid on time it's my fault. And we get calls from bill collectors. Because she won't pay med bills without the med card from work which runs out often - but that money is nothing special; not pre-tax or anything, it's just money put in from my employer quarterly. But I cannot get it through to her. So I need to begin doing the bills myself, really. One less job for her. BUT now I can't bring this up right now as a good friend of mine has asked me for some help to get him through a separation. Me taking over the bills at this moment will obviously be interpreted as something to do with that.
And I feel I have no place to talk about all this stuff. My friends all have their own problems and I'm sure are tired of hearing it, I certainly am not going to mention my true emotional state on something like Facebook (which she's on all the time) and I have very few real friends around anyhow. This is all bottled up inside me all the time. There's a good reason my blood pressure is now being regulated with meds.
It's sad that I know what I need to do - exercise, clean my house, stand up for myself, talk to a therapist, try meds, but nothing gets done. I don't change. Day in and day out I stay the same. The other morning I finally made love to my wife after weeks of rejection and I cried afterward. How pathetic. All I wanted was to be with her in that way during our holiday vacation to Florida maybe once, but it never happened. How can she think all is well when I tell her it's not and it seems so obvious that it's not? I know, denial isn't just a river in Egypt.
Wow, that was probably pretty incoherent and just felt like a memory dump. Sorry about that, but this all hurts like a mofo.
Put the internet to work for you.
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