I married my wife in 2001, with SS 7 and SD 5 after she split with her husband. Initially I laid down the law that they were not to disrespect my wife and they accepted this. Their father paid little maintenance for the first 3 years, then none. He had contact with them for the first few years, then it tapered off and he did not see them for a long time.
Each time they returned from their dad for that time, SS was always angry, with anything he had to do whilst there. He became disrespectful to their mother, and if I attempted to discipline him, she usually protected him. I thought little about it then. I see now he blamed me and her for the divorce and has been angry and milking the situation every since.
Once he finished school, he had 4 jobs in 1 year, each a couple of weeks long, and then quit. The second year, my wife sent him on a college course. A year after that, he got work, but still lives with us at the age of 25 with little prospect of moving out.
My SD finished school, got a job, got a boyfriend, married and now a child whilst living at his parents house. I'm very proud of her, on her own two feet. We had two daughters of our own too, so we have a 25 year old SS in-house, a 22 Year SD out of house and mine at 13 and 15 years old.
Problems were from the outset with the SS, being angry, rude and ignorant of anyone he did not like. We have my MIL living here and he would totally ignore her when she said anything, despite helping cook and clean for him. I don't know if I am being illogical, which is why I post this here to get an opinion of others, regarding the examples and how/why I feel like I do.
Internet. We have limited internet in SA and pay a premium. I noticed our bandwidth being depleted by the 10th of the month when he was not working. I asked why, whilst knowing he was downloading movies/music/etc. Reason given by him was that a car parked outside our house, connected on the (password protected) network and downloaded stuff. The wife defended the ridiculous explanation. To stop arguments, I did not push the issue and let it go. I knew it was BS. During this time, wife was feeding him recordable CD's like it was going out of business, to save his downloads on. Kept saying he was keeping costs and would pay us back, I doubted it and never saw it. That led to separate bank accounts for us. He has to my knowledge, never paid that back.
On father's day, my youngest daughter bought me a mug, I unwrapped it and placed it on the table, and he knocked it off (walking around in a blanket) and broke it. Younger daughter gutted, his reason was I put it too close to the edge of the table and it's my fault.
When he got a job, wife said he need to borrow our new car. I said to my wife that if he writes it off, I want to pay nothing extra, insurance must cover it. He wrote it off, we had a short fall of R28K to pay off. He never apologized, blaming the garage for a blown tyre. Took 2 years to pay off.
Then we had a birthday at the pub the week later, so he cracks jokes about borrowing our current car and it hopefully not costing R28K to us. Not a joke to me. I paid, he never chipped in.
On my youngest's birthday, my wife asks SS to please collect plates from the kitchen. He looks and sees no plates. I tell him they are in the dish washer. He looks and complains they are not dry. I suggest that he dry them. He takes one, dries it and bangs it on the counter, then repeats the process. I ask him what the problem is, he get sullen. I tell him to leave, I'll do it, he does so, calling me a c**t under his breath. I let it go. Wife later asks what's wrong. I explain that SS called me a c**t over some plates, she replies "no he didn't, he's not like that". She was not even in the same room, but I am wrong.
He never says thanks, never asks permission for anything. One day my bedroom door is locked because he's in the on-suite, bathing. I was in the house and he never asked to bath. I go ballistic, that is my room, my privacy.
Next day he asks to bath (why I don't know, he never asked before), I suggest he shower in our room since it would leave enough water for me to bath later. He baths in the main bathroom, when I ask why he says because I say he cannot use our on-suite. I miss a bath that night.
My 40th, my father visits from the UK. We go for a meal (I pay) with SD, SS, MIL, me, wife, kids and my father. At the end of the meal, when leaving my father lets me know that SS did nothing but b**ch about MIL the whole meal, and basically ruined it for him.
If I ask him to do something, he ignores me or does the opposite. If I get upset, the wife defends his action since he is "only a child". I've had 10 years of this, by which point I'd given up, started drinking nightly and had become a not particularly nice person.
I woke from this nightmare just this week and realised what was wrong. I read other online columns and realised my stress and problems stem from the problem with this child, my wife's first child and only son.
The examples above (not exhaustive mind you) are examples of his personality, who he is and how he acts. He is a person that, were I to find myself working for him, I would find another job. If he was to be introduced to me, I would never meet him again after understanding what type of person he is. Basically I have been putting up with someone I cannot stand for the sake of my marriage, and am wondering if it is actually worth the effort, or if I should just get the hell out now.
Trying to arrange counselling for my wife, just to have a third person to explain that there is a problem and that the issue is not that he is "only a child" or in my imagination, or that I am blatantly wrong for demanding some form of respect and reasonableness in the house.
If someone could explain, is there a problem or, as the wife insists, and I simply wrong?
Each time they returned from their dad for that time, SS was always angry, with anything he had to do whilst there. He became disrespectful to their mother, and if I attempted to discipline him, she usually protected him. I thought little about it then. I see now he blamed me and her for the divorce and has been angry and milking the situation every since.
Once he finished school, he had 4 jobs in 1 year, each a couple of weeks long, and then quit. The second year, my wife sent him on a college course. A year after that, he got work, but still lives with us at the age of 25 with little prospect of moving out.
My SD finished school, got a job, got a boyfriend, married and now a child whilst living at his parents house. I'm very proud of her, on her own two feet. We had two daughters of our own too, so we have a 25 year old SS in-house, a 22 Year SD out of house and mine at 13 and 15 years old.
Problems were from the outset with the SS, being angry, rude and ignorant of anyone he did not like. We have my MIL living here and he would totally ignore her when she said anything, despite helping cook and clean for him. I don't know if I am being illogical, which is why I post this here to get an opinion of others, regarding the examples and how/why I feel like I do.
Internet. We have limited internet in SA and pay a premium. I noticed our bandwidth being depleted by the 10th of the month when he was not working. I asked why, whilst knowing he was downloading movies/music/etc. Reason given by him was that a car parked outside our house, connected on the (password protected) network and downloaded stuff. The wife defended the ridiculous explanation. To stop arguments, I did not push the issue and let it go. I knew it was BS. During this time, wife was feeding him recordable CD's like it was going out of business, to save his downloads on. Kept saying he was keeping costs and would pay us back, I doubted it and never saw it. That led to separate bank accounts for us. He has to my knowledge, never paid that back.
On father's day, my youngest daughter bought me a mug, I unwrapped it and placed it on the table, and he knocked it off (walking around in a blanket) and broke it. Younger daughter gutted, his reason was I put it too close to the edge of the table and it's my fault.
When he got a job, wife said he need to borrow our new car. I said to my wife that if he writes it off, I want to pay nothing extra, insurance must cover it. He wrote it off, we had a short fall of R28K to pay off. He never apologized, blaming the garage for a blown tyre. Took 2 years to pay off.
Then we had a birthday at the pub the week later, so he cracks jokes about borrowing our current car and it hopefully not costing R28K to us. Not a joke to me. I paid, he never chipped in.
On my youngest's birthday, my wife asks SS to please collect plates from the kitchen. He looks and sees no plates. I tell him they are in the dish washer. He looks and complains they are not dry. I suggest that he dry them. He takes one, dries it and bangs it on the counter, then repeats the process. I ask him what the problem is, he get sullen. I tell him to leave, I'll do it, he does so, calling me a c**t under his breath. I let it go. Wife later asks what's wrong. I explain that SS called me a c**t over some plates, she replies "no he didn't, he's not like that". She was not even in the same room, but I am wrong.
He never says thanks, never asks permission for anything. One day my bedroom door is locked because he's in the on-suite, bathing. I was in the house and he never asked to bath. I go ballistic, that is my room, my privacy.
Next day he asks to bath (why I don't know, he never asked before), I suggest he shower in our room since it would leave enough water for me to bath later. He baths in the main bathroom, when I ask why he says because I say he cannot use our on-suite. I miss a bath that night.
My 40th, my father visits from the UK. We go for a meal (I pay) with SD, SS, MIL, me, wife, kids and my father. At the end of the meal, when leaving my father lets me know that SS did nothing but b**ch about MIL the whole meal, and basically ruined it for him.
If I ask him to do something, he ignores me or does the opposite. If I get upset, the wife defends his action since he is "only a child". I've had 10 years of this, by which point I'd given up, started drinking nightly and had become a not particularly nice person.
I woke from this nightmare just this week and realised what was wrong. I read other online columns and realised my stress and problems stem from the problem with this child, my wife's first child and only son.
The examples above (not exhaustive mind you) are examples of his personality, who he is and how he acts. He is a person that, were I to find myself working for him, I would find another job. If he was to be introduced to me, I would never meet him again after understanding what type of person he is. Basically I have been putting up with someone I cannot stand for the sake of my marriage, and am wondering if it is actually worth the effort, or if I should just get the hell out now.
Trying to arrange counselling for my wife, just to have a third person to explain that there is a problem and that the issue is not that he is "only a child" or in my imagination, or that I am blatantly wrong for demanding some form of respect and reasonableness in the house.
If someone could explain, is there a problem or, as the wife insists, and I simply wrong?
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