I was wrong. I cheated. Now what do I do?

Hello everyone, I've been reading through all the threads here and I feel that I'm strong enough to post my story. I'm hoping I can get some help as to how I should move on in my marriage. I've been married for 12 years. I met my husband in high school but we didn't date until many years later. Things were great in the beginning. He was a loving and caring man, always looked out for me and the kids, and he is very intelligent. He always had my back and I always had his. It was never any doubt in my mind that he was my soul mate. Things started to go sour once we had our 3rd child. I've always been a small petite woman. I was around 105 when we got married but I've gained weight over the years. After having our third child, I tipped the scales at close to 200 pounds. My husband has always given me a hard time for this. It started off as playful gestures and hints about my weight. It eventually became face to face insults. It got so bad that he would make comments about my weight to his friends. Some of the cruel names he used was tub of lard, blubber butt, and pig face. It was very hurtful and I've often cried secretly about this. I sat down with him on this issue numerous times and I told him how this all made me feel. He said that he would stop and that although he makes jokes, he claimed to still love me. If he did love me, I sure didn't feel it. I felt like my sole purpose was to work, take care of the kids, and then pleasure him whenever he wanted sex. I felt that I wasn't getting anything out of the relationship. He would stop with all the verbal abuse for a few days and then it would start right back up again. Now my husband is a truck driver so he is sometimes gone for days at a time. When he is home, he is technically on call although they don't call him much. He does help a little around the house but most of the time, he hangs out with his buddies and invites them over on occasion. He has one friend who comes over all the time to hang with him. He's a friendly guy but at the time, I never looked at him sexually and I didn't really find him attractive. I'll try to summarize this since it's getting long but me and this friend started to talk. We eventually became text buddies. He invited to take me to dinner but I initially declined out of respect for my husband. I eventually took him up on that offer at a time I was feeling depressed and upset with my husband. Our friendship eventually turned into a sexual relationship. This man loved me for who I am. He never talked about my weight. He told me that I was beautiful. He reminded me so much of how my husband treated me during our better days. Some other of my husbands friends knew about the relationship and told my husband. I didn't know at the time but my husband pretended to go out on a run and said he would be back in a few days. He got someone to follow me around and he eventually caught me at his friends apartment. We were not having sex at the time but it was all the evidence my husband needed. So now, this is where we are. He had a big fight with his friend and they are no longer talking. My husband says he wants to work on the marriage and he is willing to make changes. On one hand, I'm all for it. This is the father of my kids and I've always loved him. However, I still have very strong feelings for his friend. I'm ashamed to say but although my husband told me not to talk to him anymore, I've still been talking to him through skype. He told me that he understands if I still want to work on the marriage with my husband but he also told me that he still has feelings for me. We've found a way to sleep with each other without anyone noticing or following me and this has been going on for the past couple of weeks. I do feel disgusted about this but I can't ignore my feelings either. I can't tell my husband that I want to divorce because frankly, I still love him and I still want him in my life. I'm also still in love with his friend and even though I've tried to forget him and try to move on, I keep coming back to him. My instinct tells me to try to make it work with my husband and if it doesn't work out, I could always fall back to the other guy. But, what if it does work out with my husband? How can I stop thinking about the other man and move on with my life?

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