The most difficult thing today ...

This is bothering me a lot, but it doesn't really fit into one of the other threads I have going. Let me just tell the story here, and if you have a comment, feel free to leave it. Today is the last day before my wife and son come back to China from Korea. To pass the time, I went to People's Square in Shanghai both to take the picture of the Matchmaking (which I posted in the travel pics thread) and also because, being a lover of history and culture like I am, I wanted to visit the Shanghai Museum again - that always makes me smile. somewhere along the way, I was walking in people's square, and I was passed by a woman whom I guess to be about 30 - 35 years old. She caught my attention because she was wearing bags for shoes, her hair was unkempt and obviously had not been washed for a while. As she passed by, I turned to watch, and I noticed her ankles were swollen, and her skin just looked like she had problems. She was very obviously not in good health. I'm accustomed to beggars. I've encountered a few here. But this woman did not beg. She just passed me by, walked a little while, and sat on one of the benches. She had the same tired and hungry walk about her that I see from some of the poorer beggars everywhere, but she didn't beg. It really tugged at my heart, and I can't really explain why I singled her out. There was a time when I routinely ignored beggars and people I thought were homeless, but that changed in San Francisco one day when I met an older woman who was begging as I walked by. That woman was not overly assertive, but as I passed by, she said simply, "Please sir, I'm very hungry," and her voice sounded just like my grandmother's voice. It KILLED me. I couldn't pass her by. She affected me deeply enough that I haven't been able to just pass by beggars the same way again. I don't give all of them something, but there are some that just really tug at my heart, and I give them something - although admittedly, it is a pittance. I've given beggars something in Shanghai, too, and thanks to an idea from my wife, I'm always conscientious that if I get more than I can eat at a restaurant, I ask for a box, and I give it to one of the bag people or street people ... no since in wasting it if someone is hungry enough to eat it. So this lady today just stopped me in my tracks. She didn't ask me for anything, but her situation just seemed to scream at me. I stood for several minutes watching her after she sat down, and I considered what I could give her. I thought even though she didn't ask me for anything, her health seemed to be much poorer than the beggars I had given something to in Shanghai, and I tried to think what I could actually do for her ... while also being mindful that I am a married man whose wife isn't beside him at the moment. Finally, I decided on an amount I could help based on the amount of cash I knew I had in my wallet. I removed that amount first, then walked back to where she had sat down. she didn't look at me, and didn't acknowledge I was there. I spoke to her in Chinese saying "Here. Take this." She didn't look at me, but spoke and said, "I'm not a beggar. Don't try to give me anything." It took me a few seconds for me to understand. I understood most of the words she said, but I had to put a few things in place to fully get what she said. After it sunk in, I said, "But I thought maybe you were hungry, or could use something." She answered back with something, but I honestly didn't understand what she said. After thinking, and realizing I couldn't catch her meaning, I answered in Chinese, "I don't understand." She answered back while still never looking up at me, "You don't understand what I'm saying, and you don't understand where I am." I've dealt with a few of the minds in the Bay Area especially that were just shot ... gone ... she seemed to speak much more coherently than they did, so I didn't think this was her state, but I have to keep in mind that I'm trying to deal with her in a language that is still new to me, but is her native language. I don't really know what that meant idiomatically, and I'm not sure was coherent, even though it seemed to be coherent to me. After considering this, I thought maybe I should sit down on the bench with her and ask her her name, or try to make conversation that would bolster her feeling of humanity, but I wasn't sure that was what she was trying to convey ... and again, I have to be mindful that I am a married man whose wife is not by my side at this moment. I also have to consider that she may have just disinvited me to deal with her any more - I didn't understand the situation well enough to really know. After a moment of standing beside her with her never lifting her eyes to look at me, and never extending her hand to accept what I offered to her, I decided it was best to just take this as her turning down any gift from me, and decided maybe it was best for her esteem if I left it at that. She was obviously not well groomed and not in good health, but she didn't seem to be starving. So after thinking it over, I turned and left her. But it tears at my heart. I'm really a gentle soul, and tenderhearted ... and even though she turned down what I offered her, I can't help but feel for her in her situation. I don't know how she got there, and I don't really care. It just seems that she is in a very difficult situation and she's all alone. I'm a Christian man, and I believe in the power of prayer. I believe in the principal taught in James that says that when the hungry comes and asks you for something, telling him "Be filled. Go in peace," doesn't fill him nor make him go in peace. I wanted to be able to do something more for this person, but I don't know how I could have. The only thing I really can do is offer prayer that she will be healed, and lifted out of that situation, and find love. There doesn't seem to be anything more I could do. I don't know. I'm rambling tonight because she had the stongest effect on me that anybody has since that woman in San Francisco said in that voice that sounded like my Grandmother, "Please sir. I'm very hungry." It'd probably be easier for me to think about if this woman had told me she was hungry and it had been as simple as taking her to McDonalds. As it is, it leaves me really wishing I could have done more, and really thinking about her and wondering if she will be okay.

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